No Goddesses Need Apply
by lord of the land of fire
Summary: Aqua abandons Kazuma and he is forced to survive on his own. There is no stopping him now.
1. The wrong goddess

"This sucks!" Aqua said loudly. "How could we lose to a bunch of stupid toads?"

Kazuma sighed. She'd bathed and was no longer covered in slime or smelling like day old vomit. She was also no longer bawling her eyes out and crying like a child. It was as if she'd forgotten she'd been swallowed whole. Twice.

"Look, they're just too tough for low levels like us. And the pay isn't even that great, we make about as much at our construction jobs without putting our lives in danger. Let's just quit and look for something we can actually handle."

"No way!" She slammed her fists on the table. "I'm a goddess! Do you think I can be defeated by a bunch of smelly toads?"

"Depends. Does getting eaten count as being defeated?"

Her face blanched and for a second she seemed to actually remember what a disaster the day had been. Her moment of clarity faded quickly though. "We just need a stronger team! If we just recruit-"

"Aqua-sama? Is that you?"

Both of them turned in their seats to look at a blond-haired young man in fancy blue plate armor. A couple pretty girls were hanging back a couple steps behind him.

"Uhm, hello, have we met?"

The guy stumbled and nearly fell on his face. "It's… it's me, Kyouya Mitsurugi! After I died you sent me to this world to be its champion and to defeat the Devil King. You promised me that if I succeeded you would grant me any one wish no matter what it might be!" He held out a massive sword to her. "You gave me the magical blade Gram!"

Kazuma saw her blank expression and the way she was blinking. _She has no idea who this guy is_, he thought. _Poor bastard, she probably convinced him he was the chosen one. He probably has no clue he was just part of the herd. _

"Oh, of course! It took me a second there but naturally I remember you! It's wonderful to see you again, Mizuki."

"It's Mitsurugi."

"Isn't that what I said?"

The poor guy stood there with his mouth hanging open, but shook it off. "Ah, I want you to know I've been working very hard and getting stronger. I will definitely succeed in beating the Devil King and saving this world!"

"That's great!" She said brightly.

"Aqua-sama, what are you doing here?"

Kazuma noticed Aqua pause to look the guy over. His armor and clothes all looked really expensive. Tied at his hip was a bulging leather purse. His demeanor was confident and screamed success. A sly grin crossed her lips and Kazuma got a very bad feeling.

"Oh, it's all this guy's fault," she pointed a finger right at his face.

"HUH?!"

"His name is Kazuma and he's a shut in NEET. When I offered him the chance to come to this world and save it he got to pick any one magical item or ability, same as with you." She clasped her hands together and looked on the verge of tears. "He picked me! So I got dragged down here from heaven and I can't go back until the Devil King is defeated! I can't tell you how horrible its been! No one here believes I'm a goddess! I have to do menial labor just so I can eat. I sleep in a dirty stable! It's been hooooorible!" She buried her face in her hands and the fake water works started.

"Hey! What are you saying?" Kazuma stood to yell at her, but Mitsurugi grabbed him by the collar.

"You! How dare you abuse Aqua-sama like that! What kind of monster are you?!"

"It's not like that! Since we arrived we've been partners and I've done everything I could to protect her!"

"I got eaten by giant toads today."

That did it. Mitsurugi threw him halfway across the guild hall to the raucous laughter of almost everyone. He was lying on a heap as Mitsurugi extended a hand to that blue haired traitor.

"Please, Aqua-sama, join my party. I promise to treat you the way you deserve and keep you safe until we can beat the Devil King!"

"Thank you, Minato. I feel so safe now!"

"Ah, my name is Mitsurugi."

"That's what I said."

"Heh, right, I must have misheard. Well, let me introduce you to my teammates and we can have dinner together, whatever you want my lady."

Kazuma got to his feet. "Hey, Aqua! We're supposed to be a team remember? You can't just abandon me!"

She looked over at him and shrugged. "It's your own fault for bringing me here in the first place. I just have to defeat the Devil King in order to go home, it doesn't matter who I do it with. And I like my odds better with Minaka here than with a shut in NEET like you."

With that Aqua left with the jerk and his two teammates.

XXX

_I should have just picked the magical wand instead of that worthless goddess!_

It was the next morning and he was still furious at the way he'd been screwed over. From the moment they arrived in this new world he'd realized Aqua was almost completely useless. She _did_ have magic and was a good healer if nothing else. She was also the only person in this entire world he could (sort of) rely on. Now that she'd just dumped him he was completely on his own. He was a level 2 adventurer with no equipment other than a run of the mill sword. He had no magic, no skills, no party, and a grand total of 3,000 eris to his name.

He was so screwed.

Returning the guild hall he was trying to decide what he should do. He still had a job to eliminate three more giant toads by the end of tomorrow. From yesterday he knew the toads weren't that tough and he figured he could _probably_ deal with one solo. But if a second one showed up he was going to get eaten. He couldn't complete the job alone. He could cancel it, but the problem there was that if you failed to complete a mission or gave up on it, the guild would not allow you to accept another one for two full weeks.

He could always go back to working construction. It was exhausting and didn't pay much, but at least he wasn't in mortal danger and it paid enough for food and a pen in the stable. He could just do that until he saved up enough to buy better equipment and try again. Kazuma knew that made sense, but how long would that take? And it felt kind of like admitting defeat to give up on the very first adventure he'd ever taken.

That was probably what he would have to do, but first he would at least see if he could recruit someone to work with him. He didn't think there was much hope. Why would anyone want to work with a level 2 adventurer with no gear? But he wanted to at least try it before going up to the desk and cancelling the toad extermination quest.

He was at a table filling out a notice asking for a party member when a cute voice interrupted him.

"Hey there."

He looked up to see a curious looking silver haired girl with a scar on her cheek. "Uh, hello."

She flashed him a friendly smile. "My name is Chris, I'm a thief and fellow member of the guild."

He nodded. "I'm Kazuma, my job is adventurer."

Without an invitation she sat down at the table across from him. "I was here last night when your partner left you." The girl gave a sad shake of her head. "That was awful. She should not have done that to you."

Kazuma gave a depressed sigh. "Yeah, well it sucks for me, but I guess I can understand why she did it. We were in a tough spot and that guy was offering to take care of her."

"It doesn't matter," Chris said firmly. "Some promises have to be kept even when it's difficult. No, especially when its difficult. I think your friend is going to regret her decision. Deeply."

"What do you mean?"

The girl gave him a wink and put a finger to her lips. "It's a secret."

Kazuma immediately liked her. She was very cute and it was obvious she was a whole lot kinder than a certain lush of a goddess. Her chest was a lot smaller than he preferred, but her pretty face and sweet nature more than made up for it.

"I don't suppose you're looking for a party by any chance are you?"

To his disappointment she shook her head. "I like the independent lifestyle and don't belong to a single party. I'll offer my services when they're needed, thief skills are always in high demand and I'm not always available."

"Figures, well it was worth asking."

She glanced at the note he was working on. "You in need of some help right now?"

"Yeah, I took a quest and have to kill three giant toads. I'm on my own though and that's more than I can handle."

"Tell you what," she said with a wide smile. "I've got some free time. Buy me breakfast and I'll help you out."

"That's all? Seriously? Don't you want half the reward?"

"Nah. Just the meal is enough."

He was suddenly a little suspicious. "Why would you help out someone you don't even know?"

She again gave him the most adorable wink and put a finger to her lips. "It's a secret."

Kazuma decided she had to be the cutest girl in this or any other world. He ordered breakfast for the both of them.

XXX

The two of them visited the same field he and Aqua had been to yesterday. There they found a snow white toad just sitting there croaking.

"There are two more," Chris told him and pointed. "One is hiding behind that hill." She then pointed in a different direction. "Another is lying beneath the ground."

"How do you know that?"

"I have the thief ability, 'Detect Enemy.'"

"Wow. That would come in pretty handy."

"Yeah, a lot of thief skills do. Come on, let's take care of the one out in then open before his friends show up. Bind!"

From out of nowhere ropes magically appeared and wrapped around the legs of the startled toad and caused it to fall over.

"Kazuma, you kill it. In this world you gain experience through killing enemies and monsters. I want you to gain as many as you can."

"Okay, right!" He already knew that a giant toad's hide was not especially tough and that his sword could cut deep. He had also discovered that he could kill when he needed to. He hurried up to the helpless creature and drove his blade into its head all the way to the hilt.

Almost as soon as that was done the ground shook as a pink toad hopped into view. Chris pulled out a long dagger that had a silvery glow to it.

"Kazuma, I want you to distract it so I can get in a free attack."

He nodded and readied his now bloodied sword. "I can do that."

"Vanish." Chris disappeared from sight.

_Whoa! _Kazuma thought. _Those thief abilities are awesome!_. Gathering his courage he charged at the toad yelling as loud as he could. The toad was hopping in his direction. He didn't get too close as he didn't want to get swallowed. Without warning it gave a sudden, booming croak and fell over. Chris appeared on its back, casually wiping her dagger clean.

"Its not dead yet. You deliver the finishing blow. The person who actually kills the monster gets all of its xp."

"Shouldn't you take it? You did most of the work."

She shook her head. "You need the xp more than I do."

"You've got to be the nicest thief I've ever met."

Chris laughed as Kazuma killed the giant pink toad.

When the last monster, a giant lemon yellow toad, emerged from the ground Chris and Kazuma were standing there waiting for it. The two of them quickly dispatched it, with Kazuma once again landing the killing blow. And just like that, Kazuma had successfully completed his first adventure and earned another 15,000 eris.

XXX

On the way back to town Chris asked to see Kazuma's adventurer's card.

"You've gotten all the way up to level 4, congratulations. You've also earned five skill points." She handed the card back to him.

"Really?" He looked at his card to confirm it. Sure enough he was now a level four adventurer. "Three levels in just two days, not too shabby."

She smirked at him. "Don't get too excited, Kazuma. The level requirements at the beginning are always low, so everyone can normally get up to say six or eight pretty easily. But the higher you go the more xp it takes."

Kazuma nodded, that was how every RPG worked. Even so, it was kind of exciting to see himself making progress. Looking at his card he noticed something new.

"Hey, what are these? Enemy Detection, Bind, Vanish, Backstab?"

"Those are all the skills you saw me use. Seeing a skill demonstrated means you can automatically learn it if you have enough skill points and if your class allows it."

"Does that mean I can learn all of them?!"

She nodded and pointed to the number after each skill, they were all followed by a 1. "That's right. All you have to do is select the skill you want to learn and apply the necessary skill points, after that it's yours."

"Sweet!" He immediately ran his finger over the different listed skills and willed the point to be transferred. Kazuma felt a surge of warmth flow through him and in his mind he had a sudden understanding of his new abilities. "This is great! Thief skills are always in demand, right?"

"That's right. You know Kazuma, a lot of people make fun of the adventurer class and think it's kind of pointless. Mainly because you're restricted to only learning basic skills and magics. But what people don't get is that versatility is its own strength. There are **no **restrictions on what you can learn and no xp penalties. The majority of classes limit you to spells and abilities from within your specialty and if you can learn something outside of it there's usually a massive cost. For instance, a wizard wouldn't be allowed to learn any sort of clerical magic. And if they wanted to learn something from say the warrior class it would cost them three times as many skill points as a warrior and they'd be limited to only basic skills. You, on the other hand, can learn _any _basic skill or magic at the base cost. Most parties will only have three or four members, so having someone who can do almost anything is incredibly valuable."

Kazuma thought about it. "So, I'm a jack of all trades but master of none?"

She nodded.

"Hmmm, you know, you're right. That's not a bad thing. And I bet plenty of parties would want a member with the right skills."

"They certainly will. Since you still have one skill point available would you like me to teach you Steal? It's a must for all thieves and my personal favorite. All it will cost you is lunch."

"Sure! Man, I'm lucky that all the skills you used today were basic ones I could learn." As they continued walking something occurred to him. "Hey, wait a second. You're obviously a really capable thief. I bet you have plenty of intermediate and advanced skills. Did you deliberately only use basic ones so I could copy them?"

Chris gave him a playful wink and put a finger to her lips. "It's a secret!"

Yeah, she was definitely the nicest thief he'd ever met.


	2. A lesson from sensei

"Steal!" Chris made a fist and Kazuma saw it be engulfed by light. On the way back to town she had pulled him off the road to demonstrate this ability. She opened her hand and inside it was a familiar cloth purse. Kazuma checked and sure enough his money was no longer at his side.

"That's awesome! So, I can just take whatever I want from people?"

"Not quite," she playfully tossed his purse into the air and caught it. "You can't control what you take, but if it's a successful attempt you'll get something. If your target has a much higher level than you the attempt may fail. The good news is this is a luck-based skill. So, the higher your luck the better your prize will be."

"Oh, hell yeah!" He was all too aware that his one good stat was his luck. He pulled out his card and swiped to add Steal to his inventory of thief skills.

"Now keep something in mind, Kazuma." She started to walk over to him holding out his purse. "Stealing is a crime except when you're doing it to monsters or enemies during an adventure. I won't tell you to never use it outside of those times, but _do _be careful who you steal from. Got it?"

"Sure thing." He held out his hand to take his purse back.

Chris was about to drop it into his palm when she got a mischievous little grin. "Hey Kazuma, how about a little contest?"

"Huh? What do you have in mind?"

She took a couple steps back from him and picked up some pebbles from the ground. "I stole from you, how about you try and steal from me? Whatever you get you can keep. Maybe you'll get your purse back or mine. If you're really lucky you might get my dagger, it's worth 400,000 eris. Or you might just get these rocks. What do you say?"

Kazuma couldn't keep from smiling. Thanks to Chris he now had five amazing skills and was level four. When he got back to the guild he would collect 15,000 eris. Where this morning he'd felt hopeless and a failure he now felt like a real adventurer and was excited about the future. It was all thanks to Chris. He'd have happily split the reward with her 50 / 50, so the idea of losing the 1,500 eris in his purse didn't bother him. But more than that, just the idea of having a thieving contest her was so cool!

"You're on! Steal!" He made a fist and it filled with light. Inside his fist he could feel something materialize.

Chris had a startled look and let both the pebbles and Kazuma's purse fall.

Kazuma opened his hand to see what he'd got. It was a pair of white panties. "Whoa! Jackpot! Oh yeah!" He began hooting and hollering and waving the panties above his head. He was so excited at having his hands on a pretty girl's panties that he didn't notice when Chris started to cry.

"Ka- Kazuma, (sniff) h… how could you? I thought you were a nice guy! You're awful!" She put her hands to her face and began sobbing.

Kazuma immediately felt guilty at making her cry. "Hey, no! I didn't mean to I swear! Here, take them back! I'm so sorry, please don't be mad at me."

As he came over to return her panties Chris dropped her hands and pulled down the lower lid of one eye as she stuck her tongue out at him. "Just kidding."

"Huh?"

Chris began laughing as Kazuma just stood there holding her panties out.

"Oh? It's like that huh? Then I'm keeping these. That was the rule right? I keep whatever I steal."

Chris nodded. "Those were the terms, but you know it does feel a little drafty and I don't really want you to keep my panties. We've only just met after all. Tell you what, how about you let me ransom them back?"

He crossed his arms over his chest and smiled. "Fine, give me back my purse and yours."

"Whoa, I'm impressed, you sure your job class is adventurer and not thief?"

"What can I say? I have a great sensei. And it's your own fault for laughing at me. So, have we got a deal?"

Chris tapped her chin and thought about it. "I don't know, there's a lot of money in my purse. How about I give you something else?' She suddenly leaned in and whispered in his ear. "How about I let you watch as I put them back on?"

"Wh… What?!" He could feel his face turning red and his heart start to beat a million miles an hour. "You serious?"

She nodded. "I'll stand right on this spot and put them on. I won't even rush."

"Deal!" He practically shoved them into her hand.

"Thanks," she said. "Vanish." She and her panties disappeared.

"What? Hey! That's not fair!"

Apparently the vanishing ability didn't affect sound as he heard her laugh. "The deal was I'd put these back on right in front of you. I never said I'd be visible. Always consider your words carefully when you make a deal with someone. Think of this as another lesson from sensei. Now let me get these shorts off, they're soooooo uncomfortable like this."

He could clearly hear her unbuttoning her shorts.

"Oh, breezy."

"Noooooooooooooo!" He dropped to his knees crying to the heavens.

Chris kept laughing at him as she gave him a detailed account of putting her panties and shorts back on. And of course, she kept his 1,500 eris. Though she was nice enough to return his now empty purse.


	3. The idiot

Following the 'lesson' from Chris they eventually made it back to the guild hall. Kazuma got his reward for killing the last three giant toads and had a nice lunch with Chris. She was so much fun to hang out with! As they ate and talked it occurred to Kazuma that this was the first time since middle school he'd done this with a girl. (Those times with Aqua did NOT count! She was never trying to be pleasant company but was always just doing party tricks, stuffing her face, and drinking 'til she was about to puke.) Chris was just amazing, not only was she cute and smart and just plain nice, she was someone who seemed to genuinely want to help him. After what had happened with Aqua it was an amazing feeling. Thanks to her he was ready for more adventures in this crazy world. She was so awesome that he didn't even mind that her breasts were tiny!

The only bad thing was that she didn't want to form a party with him. After they finished eating she got up to leave.

"You absolutely sure you don't want to party up?"

Smiling she shook her head. "Sorry, Kazuma. I've got too many responsibilities. But don't worry, you're going to do fine. After all, you've been blessed by Eris."

"Huh? What does that mean?"

She reached into her fat purse and pulled out a silver coin. On it was the image of a pretty girl winking. He was familiar with it, the same face was stamped on every coin. He hadn't given it any thought and just assumed she was a queen or pop singer or something.

"In this world Eris is worshipped as the goddess of luck. When people have unusually good luck they always say that the goddess has blessed them. With your luck stat I can guarantee that Eris likes you." She gave him a wink and slid the coin back into her purse.

He sighed. "Yeah, but I was told that luck isn't important for adventurers and that I should be a merchant instead."

"Most of the people who say that are ones who don't have good luck and have to depend on their other attributes. I'm not saying strength, intelligence, and all the rest aren't important. But having great luck is the best! Plenty of skills are luck based, like Steal and another one called Snipe. I don't doubt you'll be a great hero one day, Kazuma."

She then gave him a friendly wave and left.

Watching her go he sat there and gave a heartfelt sigh. If she had bigger boobs she would be the perfect girl.

XXX

With the 15,000 eris Kazuma would be fine for at least the next few days so he relaxed the rest of that afternoon and celebrated meeting Chris and becoming a genuine adventurer. The next day he came in and wrote out a party request and posted it to the board. He then sat near the board for the rest of the morning waiting. No one responded.

At a certain point the lovely Luna wandered over to him. "That's a very… interesting request you posted."

On the board was a rectangular piece of paper with messy handwriting.

Level four adventurer with amazing thief skills seeks party members.

All levels and job classes are welcome!

Let's form a great party and have amazing adventures together!

If interested please seek out Satou Kazuma.

**NO GODDESSES NEED APPLY!**

"Goddesses aren't really common," she said with a smirk. "I mean so far as I know we don't have a single one in the guild."

"As far as you know," he mumbled.

Luna gave him a sympathetic look. "Listen Kazuma, I heard about what happened. It's great that you were able to complete your first quest and I'm happy that you've gained some experience and new skills. But you're still new here. I've seen a LOT of new guild members come here with huge dreams. They expect to be great heroes, get rich and famous, some of them even think they'll be the one to stop the Devil King."

"You don't say."

She completely missed the tone that could have dried laundry. "They have a little bit of success and their expectations go through the roof. But eventually they either get killed or they have to face reality."

_Why do I feel like I'm getting a lecture from my mom?_

"I am not saying this to be mean, but Kazuma your expectations aren't realistic. People normally form parties with friends they're already close to and arrive here as a group. When people request new members they're usually at least level thirty, and a lot of times they'll be one of the advanced classes. Only the most desperate of souls would actually be willing to join someone who is level four and has the job of adventurer."

"Well what can I do?" Kazuma shrugged. "I'm not strong enough to adventure on my own yet."

"Have you really not considered becoming a merchant? With your luck you'd be a guaranteed success."

"No thanks, customer service jobs always suck."

"Well, in that case, what I would suggest is that you put up a different notice. I've seen your card and the skills you have now. They're in demand, especially by groups going into dungeons. If you offer your services you will definitely get someone to hire you, either as a full party member or one-time specialist. Your low level won't count against you. That's a much more realistic option."

"Thanks for the advice, Luna-san. I promise to give it a try if I don't land any party members."

"Well, do your best Kazuma." The big boobed blonde receptionist went back to her work.

Join an already formed party? One where everyone already knew each other and he'd be he new kid? Kazuma shook his head. When he wasn't online he wasn't any good with people. For some reason people said he was sarcastic and rude. And pretty girls usually complained he was creepy. The idea of joining a party and trying to fit in was more nerve racking than the thought of attending school.

Thinking that he watched as a couple people went up to the board and snatched a job off of it. They didn't so much as look at his notice. The money he had would last him the next few days. After that he'd be in the same spot he was in yesterday morning. He'd give it the rest of the day. If he couldn't land at least one party member he'd offer to join others.

XXX

He sat where he was for another half an hour when a little girl with a wooden staff, crazy hat, red and brown outfit, and an eyepatch wandered over to the board. He wasn't paying her any special attention. She suddenly swung around and gave her cape a dramatic flare. The girl began walking towards his table. Kazuma looked around to see if there was anyone else sitting close by.

"You!" The girl leveled her staff and pointed at him. "Are you Satou Kazuma?"

"Uh, yeah, that's me."

"Heh, heh, heh," the girl struck a dramatic pose. "That we should meet is a fate chosen by destiny itself! At last! My search for a suitable companion has ended! I am Megumin! I am an archwizard who wields Explosion the most glorious and powerful spell in all creation!"

He stared at her. "Huh?"

"Do you wish to join forces with a power so terrifying its wielder has been shunned? If so take heed! Stare with me into the depths of the abyss! But beware, the abyss shall stare back!"

He stared at her some more. "Are you screwing with me little girl?"

"What? No! No! I'm serious!"

"How old are you?"

"I am a full grown and mature woman of fourteen who-"

"Fourteen?! Pass! Taking you on adventures has got to be breaking some kind of child labor law or something."

"What? Fourteen is old enough to marry!"

"Ewwww! Gross! What kind of world is this?"

She gawked at him and then shook it off. "Does my fearsome aura intimidate you? If so I can understand your reluctance. As you have no doubt noticed from my visible eye, yes, I am a member of the famed Crimson Demon Clan!"

"Are they like a band or something?"

"Wh… What?! They are the most powerful and feared magic users in all the land! Everyone has heard of the crimson demons!"

"Well I've never heard of them and I don't want to work with little girls. It's dangerous out there."

"I am not a little girl! I am an archwizard and the greatest of the crimson demons whose power rivals that of the gods! My explosions can shatter the mount…" She fell over in mid rant.

He ran over to her side. "Hey are you okay?"

Her stomach literally growled. She turned an embarrassed face to him. "Ah, I haven't eaten in four days and I'm starving. Could you maybe spot me a meal? We could call it an advance on my first quest."

He felt sorry for her and told her she could order whatever she wanted. She tried to order a beer with her food, but he said it would be water. He wasn't going to serve a minor alcohol. As she was stuffing food into her mouth he asked to see her adventurer card. She willingly handed it over.

Kazuma was very surprised to discover she'd actually been telling the truth. Megumin was a level six archwizard. From what he'd heard that was one of the advanced classes. If she was level six then she must have gone on at least a couple of missions either on her own or with another party. Plus the fact the guild had allowed her to join at all probably meant it was true that in this world fourteen was considered to be adult age. (Repulsive as that thought was.) That meant they _could _form a party together.

It was a sign of Kazuma's desperation that he was even considering it. No one else has approached him. And if she really could work powerful magic then how much did her age really matter? Yes, relying on a fourteen year old was pathetic, but beggars couldn't be choosers and he needed help. He was pondering this as a deafening alarm sounded.

"Emergency quest! Emergency quest! We need all able bodied adventurers to assemble at the front gate!"

"What the hell?" All around him everyone was grabbing their gear and running towards the door.

"You… should… go… I'll… catch… up." Megumin said as she shoveled food into her mouth. Whatever this emergency was the girl wasn't getting up until her plate was empty.

He has no idea what was happening, but he was an adventurer. If there was some sort of emergency he would fight!

XXX

Outside the gate everyone tensed.

"This is going to get ugly."

"You ready for this?"

"Hah, I was born ready."

Here and there he could hear people whispering prayers. He heard Eris's name mentioned more than once.

"Here they come!" Someone shouted and pointed.

In the distance Kazuma saw a green cloud approaching. His sword was in his hand and he tightened his grip. "What are those, monsters?"

Next to him a young girl in a blue mage outfit turned to him. "No, not monsters. It's a cabbage migration."

He gawked at her. "What?"

"A cabbage migration," she said again. "You must be from some remote village to have never seen one before."

"Cabbages?" He said in disbelief.

"Attention!" Luna shouted through a megaphone. "The annual cabbage harvesting season has arrived! This year's harvest is the best yet and we're offering 10,000 eris per head! We have cages to store them in so catch as many as you can!"

Everyone gave a rousing shout and charged into the flying mass of greenery.

He watched the spreading chaos and sighed. "I want to go home."

Still. 10,000 eris was 10,000 eris. _How could one lousy cabbage be worth twice what a giant toad is?! This world is nuts! _But crazy or sane money was money. Along with the cages the guild was also providing huge straw baskets. Kazuma grabbed one.

"Vanish." He turned invisible and then used Steal or Backstab to take out plenty of unwary cabbages. It was ridiculously easy work. He again wondered how these things could be so valuable.

As he thought that there were shouts of panic as many people were bowled over and knocked down by the cabbages. They didn't have attacks per say, but they were flying at maybe 30 mph or so and would deliver a blow if they hit you. And there were a lot of them!

"Run to cover! I will protect you!"

From a distance he spotted a blonde knight with massive tits. Even from far away it was obvious she was hot as hell! She was standing there, holding her ground as cabbage after cabbage smashed into her. Her armor was being broken off and she stood there with nothing but a black body suit. But still she stood strong and allowed people behind her who had been knocked down a chance to get away. Those who were closer were shouting her praises.

_Damn it! _He thought _If only I could have someone like that in my party! _Not only did she not complain about being beaten to a pulp she somehow managed to keep a brave smile on her face!

Not long after he heard a familiar voice begin to chant.

"Forces of destruction heed my call! Lay waste to all before me and let them know eternal sorrow! Explooooooooosion!"

As Kazuma watched a massive fireball appeared right in the middle of the green swarm annihilating them and blowing a pit into the ground as well. He stared wide eyed. Now this was what he called magic! _I don't care if she's ten! If this is what she can do I want her on my team! _Plenty more cabbages had survived the blast and were still flying towards the city. He kept working taking as many out as he could.

XXX

Kazuma managed to fill three baskets by the time the swarm had passed. With the excitement over he looked for Megumin. He was startled to see her lying face down on the grass. He turned visible and ran up to her and gently sat her up.

"Hey, are you okay? Those cabbages must have flattened you. It may have even been revenge."

"Heh, about that," she gave him a weak smile. "My explosion uses up all my MP. When that happens I can't move for awhile."

He frowned at her. "So you're saying after you cast it you're completely helpless and a liability in a fight?" He could only imagine what would have happened if he'd had her accompany him to the toads yesterday instead of Chris.

"That's a mean way to put it."

"Am I wrong?"

"Well… technically…"

He sighed. "It's okay. From now on Explosion is off limits except for an emergency. Just use your less powerful magic and that'll be fine."

"I refuse," she said immediately. "Explosion is the only spell for me. I became an archwizard just to be able to cast it. No lesser magic interests me and I will not lower myself to use anything other than my beloved Explosion!"

He stared at her. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

He stared at her some more. "You know you're an idiot, right?"

"What?"

"You can't use that spell in a dungeon or you'll kill everyone. Even in a fight on the surface unless you can use it as the last blow any surviving monsters will come after you and you'll be helpless. You'd be a total liability for the people working with you." Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "You got kicked out didn't you? That's why you're willing to team up with me." She gulped and turned her face away. _Bingo_.

"Listen, Kazuma, I'll make you a deal. Let me form a party with you and I won't even take a share of the rewards. All I ask for is food, a place to stay, and some basic necessities. For that miniscule price you can have the power of a Crimson Demon at your beck and call. What do you say?"

He immediately let go of his hand and she fell right back into the grass. "Nope. You're useless. Good luck though." He stood up and started heading back through the gate.

"Hold on a second! Ah, could you at least take me back to the guild hall? I'm not going to be able to move for awhile."

Kazuma paused. "Okay, but I'm charging you ten thousand eris."

"What! You'd take advantage of a helpless little girl?"

"No. But I _would _take advantage of an idiot who cast a spell she knew would leave her like this. I have to eat too, and I don't do things for free. You want me to carry you about two miles? The charge is ten thousand eris, take it or leave it."

"But I don't have any money!"

"You can pay me as soon as you get your reward for the cabbages you took out."

"Uh, about that, uhm…"

"Yes?" Kazuma narrowed his eyes. He already knew he wouldn't like whatever she was about to say.

"Well, Explosion always obliterate the target completely. So, that means…"

"That all the cabbages you blew up are ash and not worth anything."

"Heh, kind of."

"Have a nice day." He put his hands in his pockets and walked away.


	4. A man with a particular set of skills

"H… How much did you say?"

Luna smiled at him and repeated the figure. "One million, two hundred thousand eris."

Kazuma pumped a fist into the air and shouted. "Oh yeah! I'm not poor anymore!"

His fellow adventurers laughed and cheered.

Following the cabbage harvesting the guild had been busy transporting and evaluating the collections. The guild members who hadn't been hurt and who had caught some celebrated. Stir fried cabbage had been served free of charge to them! (The cost being deducted from the upcoming reward.) It wasn't until the next day that everyone had received their payment and found out how much it would be. Kazuma had expected it to be about half what he got, but apparently the cabbage he'd brought in had been of exceptional quality.

Luck was a beautiful thing!

XXX

This was the very first time Kazuma ever got to touch gold coins. He also discovered that this world used paper money too. Though it seemed the money was issued by individual banks and merchant houses rather than by the country. Each banknote had a magical mark on it, Kazuma assumed it was to make counterfeiting impossible, or at least very difficult. The paper money also had a portrait of Eris giving a wink. Looking close Kazuma thought the goddess quite pretty. She reminded him a little bit of Chris.

Kazuma had figured out early on that an eris had roughly the same value as a yen. That was a shame, if they'd been worth as much as say a dollar or a euro he could have retired and been set for life. The sum he'd just received wasn't close to being enough for him to retire on. But he was most definitely no longer struggling to survive. He didn't have to worry about money for food and perhaps best of all he could now afford to live somewhere without horse and cow dung under foot.

And if the cash weren't good enough he'd jumped up to level eight and acquired four new skill points. It turned out cabbages were considered monsters and killing them earned xp. He was already looking forward to next year's cabbage harvest.

He hadn't spotted Chris since they'd worked together. Fortunately, acquiring new skills wasn't particularly difficult. Well, it seemed some of the really advanced ones were hard to find, but that wasn't his worry. Basic spells and skills were common and all it required to learn was a simple demonstration. It wasn't as if you needed hours of training or to pass an exam. Most of the people in the guild were happy to demonstrate a skill in exchange for a meal or a round of drinks. Kazuma acquired the skills Detect Traps and Snipe as well as the spells Create Element and Heal. Detect Traps was another thieving skill that went hand in hand with Detect Enemy and Vanish. Snipe would grant him accuracy with any ranged weapon and it was luck based, which meant he became an instant marksman. And it didn't only work with a bow either, the skill could be used on _any _ranged weapon so it would include crossbows, slingshots, darts, throwing knives, and even rocks or pebbles. Create Element allowed him to create a limited amount of any of the four elements; water, earth, fire, and air. It was basic, but knowing he would always have water or be able to start a campfire was good. From his long experience playing RPGs he knew how important healing was to any party. Asking around he'd found out it was just as true in this world. Priests were in short supply and most preferred working in a church or temple than as a member of an adventuring party. Even if he could only use basic healing that would make him even more valuable to potential teammates.

The very first thing he did after celebrating his good fortune was look for a new place to live. He found a slightly run down cottage with a small garden about a mile and a half from the guild hall. It wasn't much and only had four rooms, but the roof didn't leak, it was in a quiet neighborhood, and it had an actual bed rather than a pile of straw. It cost 80,000 eris a month. Kazuma paid the first three months up front and slept that night in a warm bed in his own place.

Next was getting real equipment. Up until now he'd been going on adventures, and everywhere else, in the same green track suit he'd had when he died. Since Axel was a city with adventurer's guild it also had a couple weapon shops. Luna and the staff were happy to give him directions. He bought himself some white tunics, breeches, and a green cape he thought made him look more adventurey. He also got some brown leather boots. Now he blended in and didn't draw stares wherever he went. He also got a thin leather jerkin that fit comfortably beneath his shirt.

He upgraded his sword. He wanted a really bad ass katana, but it seemed those were rare and super expensive. So instead he got another short sword, just in better condition and with a sharper edge. He also got some knives. He'd found that using Backstab with a sword felt clumsy, especially on something as small as a cabbage. He got a dagger with a ten inch serrated blade, perfect for jamming into someone's back! He also got a set of six throwing knives that he could keep tucked away in his belt and in easy reach. He bought a medium sized bow along with a quiver of arrows. When he looked at himself in a mirror he could only smile. He looked like a character straight out of an RPG.

After getting clothes, equipment, and a decent place to live he still had more than 400,000 eris left over. Along with its other functions the guild could also act like a bank and safely store money in its vault in exchange for a small fee. As he was thinking of himself more and more as a thief, he didn't want to leave his cash anywhere it could be easily stolen. When he was getting meals or drinks at the guild he wouldn't even need to withdraw it, they would just deduct everything from his account.

For the first time since coming to this screwed up world Kazuma felt a little security. He was no longer a few steps from starving or being homeless. But now it was time for him to decide what to do next.

XXX

Five days after the cabbage harvest a now properly outfitted Kazuma was sitting at the exact same table near the board. He'd only been sitting there for about half an hour when a tall guy in well polished plate armor came over to it. Kazuma watched him snatch his notice off the board and then walk up to him. Unlike with the explosion maniac, Kazuma didn't look around or wonder who he wanted to talk to you.

"Excuse me, are you Satou Kazuma?" He held the notice out.

Level eight adventurer seeking party to work with.

My skills include Detect Enemy, Vanish, Steal, Backstab, Detect Traps, Snipe, and Healing.

Am interested in either joining a party full time or working on commission.

If interested please seek out Satou Kazuma.

**NO GODDESSES NEED APPLY!**

"Yes, I'm Kazuma. How can I help you?"

"I am Sir Roland Griffinheart. My party and I have been looking for a man with your set of skills. There's a newly discovered dungeon about ten days from here. Absolutely filled to the brim with monsters, undead, and treasure. If you'll join us you can have a full share of whatever we find."

Kazuma couldn't keep from smiling. This was _exactly _what he wanted. No stupid cabbages or giant frogs! This was a real adventure, a dungeon crawl with a knight and his party. Oh yeah, things were looking up!

"Just to be clear, are you asking me to join your party or to work freelance with you?"

Roland gave a slight shake of his head. "We've only just met. How about I just hire you and we decide later if we want to make it permanent?"

"Sounds good to me." He stood and they shook hands.

"Well then, let me introduce you to the team."

XXX

"Could you please stop staring? You're starting to creep me out!"

"What?" Kazuma said startled. "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to, it's just. Could I touch your ears?"

"Ewww! No!" Katrina got up from the table to get further away from him. She was dressed in chainmail armor with a pair of curved blades at her hip. Her hair was stark white and on top of her head were a pair of bunny ears. Katrina was an honest to goodness bunny girl! She was also pretty busty and he could tell she had thick thighs despite her wearing leather breeches. Kazuma couldn't keep from fantasizing about her in a classic bunny girl outfit with black stockings and high heels.

"Hey! I said to stop staring and now you're drooling too!"

"What? Oh, sorry," Kazuma wiped his chin and forced himself to look away.

Also seated at the table were Roland and a guy in green wizard robes who he'd been introduced to as Timothy. Kazuma had asked and no, he didn't know Explosion, and yes, he did use more than one spell. The wizard didn't look very pleased and turned to the knight.

"Do we really need this guy?" This was not the first time he'd asked.

Roland sighed. "We've been over this, Kasmir's Sorrow is too dangerous to explore without someone with thief skills acting as scout."

"But he's not even a real thief! He's just a level eight adventurer!"

"He's got Detect Enemy, Vanish, Steal, and Detect Traps. That's good enough."

"Can't we get Chris instead?"

"She's not available. It's him or nothing."

"But he's a perv who keeps staring at Katrina! I bet he ends up being worthless!"

"Guys, I'm right here. You know I can hear you right?"

Timothy glared at him while Roland sighed again. Katrina finally sat back down and crossed her arms.

"So we're clear, Kazuma. We don't allow sexual harassment in this party," Roland said sounding very grim.

"I understand totally! I believe in gender equality and promise to treat everyone equally!"

"Oh?" Katrina said. "Does that mean you want to touch everyone else's ears too?"

"If I say yes can I touch yours? Just for a second?"

She let out a low growl and one of her hands dropped to a sword hilt.

Roland coughed and drew everyone's attention. "New rule; no ear touching, that goes for everyone." Before anyone could say anything else he pulled out a map and spread it on the table. "Kasmir's Sorrow is ten days walk from here and its located close to goblin territory. We can't be arguing among ourselves. We need to work together, or we'll be in trouble."

"You don't need to worry about ambushes," Kazuma said. "With Detect Enemy I'll be able to tell you where any goblins or other monsters are no matter how well hidden."

"Good! That's an incredibly valuable skill in or out of a dungeon. Don't you agree?" He turned to the other two.

"I guess," Timothy admitted.

"I suppose," Katrina grunted. She did at least let go of her sword hilt.

Kazuma got the feeling he hadn't made a good first impression. Well, he was kind of socially awkward so there was probably no avoiding it.

"So, the place we're going to is a dungeon called Kasmir's Sorrow?" Kazuma asked.

"That's right," Roland said.

"So, who's Kasmir?"

"The guy who discovered it."

On that cheery note they all agreed to meet at the main gate at dawn tomorrow to set off on their adventure. Kazuma had no doubts it would be amazing.


	5. A real adventure

"Snipe. Snipe. Snipe." Kazuma was standing on a tree branch with his bow in hand casually picking off goblins. He had never touched a bow before coming to this world and no one had given him lessons. It didn't matter. If he used his Snipe skill he instantly became a marksman who couldn't miss.

It was the tenth day since setting out from Axel and they were just a few miles from their destination. Seeing new sights, camping out, hunting, and fishing for food… all of it had been fun. Then, as they were walking he'd senses the approach of a large group of enemies. He'd had enough time to climb up a tree while his teammates set up an impromptu ambush. About twenty goblins had then stumbled into their area.

"Don't let any of them get away," Roland called out. He was literally standing there cutting them into pieces. Their clubs and pointy sticks couldn't even scratch his armor.

"As if I would," Katrina was swinging around her two swords at once in a blur. Half a dozen goblins were dead at her feet.

"Fire Arrow," a single sphere of fire about the size of a marble appeared in Timothy's palm. It shot out and hit one of the goblins. It set the little monster on fire but didn't kill it immediately. It ran about howling for a bit before the flames spread and it eventually fell over dead.

Having witnessed explosion magic Kazuma wasn't too impressed.

"Don't waste your MP," Roland said. "Save it for the dungeon."

"It's a base spell, it only uses one point."

"I know, save it anyway."

The little crowd of goblins was quickly exterminated without any more spells. The last two threw their clubs down and ran away screaming.

"Snipe. Snipe." Kazuma put arrows through both their necks. He once more found that as with the giant toads and flying cabbages, killing was no problem for him. As he started climbing down Katrina went over to one or the many corpses and nudged it with her boot. She didn't bother to actually reach down with a hand.

"Nothing even worth looting," she muttered and started cleaning off her swords.

"I'm sure there'll be plenty in the dungeon," Roland said. He gave a nod as Kazuma walk over to join them. "Good work, Kazuma. Not just with the bow but with detecting them." He made a point to look at Katrina and Timothy. "That's the sort of skill we'll need inside Kasmir's Sorrow."

Timothy didn't say anything.

"They were just goblins," Katrina grunted.

On the way here the two of them had remained a bit stand offish while Roland kept trying to bring everyone together. They weren't deliberately rude or insulting, like a certain lazy goddess, but they kept their distance. Kazuma had noticed Timothy staring longingly at Katrina whenever she was looking in a different direction.

Kazuma was busy recovering arrows. Despite the treatment Kazuma was enjoying himself and felt like a part of the team. Roland was a really great guy and his efforts made up for the awkward silences and the occasional glares from Katrina and complaints about him staring at her ears. Camping out under the stars, eating fresh caught rabbit or fish, talking as they walked for mile after mile. It felt like he was really doing something. It felt like he belonged. And the little bit of danger from the goblins just now only made that feeling stronger. This was what adventuring in a fantasy world was supposed to be like.

They soon arrived at a plain cave entrance in the side of a barren hill. Someone had built a wooden cabin a short distance from it. Right next to the cave was a wooden post with a human skull on top of it. On the post was a sign board with the warning, 'You'll be sorry.'

Seeing it Kazuma gulped and felt just a little nervous.

Katrina spotted his reaction and gave him a little grin. "Let me guess, this your first time in a dungeon?"

"Yeah, actually."

"Well try not to get killed by the very first trap, that would be embarrassing."

Kazuma gulped.

"She's just teasing you, Kazuma." Roland said. He gave her a look and she kept grinning. "With your skills I'm sure it will be fine. This is a new dungeon and it hasn't been fully explored yet. That means there is a lot of treasure in here."

"It also means there are a lot of monsters and traps," Timothy added.

"Well if it were easy it wouldn't be worth doing." Roland turned back to Kazuma. "As the scout your job is to stay about twenty yards ahead of us and warn us about any danger. We'll be depending on you."

"So, don't screw up and do anything stupid," Katrina said.

He took a deep breath. His party was counting on him. "No problem, I've got this. Vanish." He disappeared and entered the dungeon. The others slowly followed.

"We can't see you, so let us know when you're twenty yards in front and if you stop so we can keep the same distance. Obviously warn us if you find any traps or sense monsters coming." Roland said.

"Got it."

Kazuma's Detect Traps ability triggered for the first time just a hundred yards from the cave entrance. A spot right in the middle of the corridor was setting it off. He thought it might be pretty dangerous as the feeling he got was rather intense.

"There's a trap in the middle of the floor up here. If you just walk closer to the sides it should be fine."

"Okay," Roland said. The rest of the party moved closer to the wall and passed it with no issue.

About two hundred yards further in they came across their first enemy, about a dozen animated skeletons. The way Kazuma's Detect Enemy ability worked was that when something came into range he got a rough sense of the distance, direction, and number of enemies. He had no idea as what they enemy might be or how dangerous. When they'd come across the goblins all he'd been able to tell them was that there were about twenty enemies approaching from the same direction they were headed in. Since he has no idea how dangerous the encounter might be he immediately halted and whispered his warning. Since there were no side tunnels and no place to hide everyone just got ready to fight.

When they saw it was just skeletons they all relaxed. They were taken down quickly and with no trouble. Swords weren't the ideal weapons for undead, but the skeletons were so weak it didn't really matter. That done Kazuma scouted up ahead again.

The next enemy he discovered were a pair of green slimes. These were also disposed of without issue. After that were several goblins. Before long they had cleared the dungeon's first level without running into anything really dangerous.

"I think they should change the name of this place from Kasmir's Sorrow to Kasmir's Funhouse," Katrina said.

"The first level of a dungeon is always the easiest," Roland said. "Don't let your guard down."

There was a downward sloping tunnel that led to the second level. Kazuma again took the point and acted as scout. As he got he exited the tunnel onto the second level he suddenly felt a large group of thirty so enemies up ahead. He stopped and called out a warning. As they got ready the shuffling forms came into view.

"Zombies," Roland said with a grimace. "Their more dangerous than skeletons, but not too bad."

"I've got this!" Timothy stepped forward. "Fireball!" As with the previous spell a sphere of fire materialized in his palm. This time it was about the size of a baseball. It flew from his hand towards the moaning and trudging undead.

The second the spell made contract there was an explosion and the hall in front of them was consumed with flame. It happened far enough away that they were untouched by the fire, but Kazuma and the others felt a hot gush of wind slam into their faces.

Timothy was smiling from ear to ear and looked over his shoulder at Katrina. "Not bad, huh?"

She nodded. "Good job!"

_Well that's probably not even one tenth as powerful as Explosion_. Kazuma thought. _Of course, if it were the tunnel would collapse or we'd be killed in the blast too. _

The zombies were all destroyed with that one spell. They had to wait a moment for the fire to go out before continuing. As Kazuma led the way he spotted something that grabbed his attention.

"Hey! I found a treasure chest!"

"About time!" Katrina said excitedly.

"Make sure it's not trapped or a mimic in disguise," Roland said.

"It's not," Kazuma assured them. "My skills say it's just a chest." By this point the party had gathered around. When he tried to open it, he discovered it was locked. "Sorry, but I don't have the Pick Locks ability yet."

"Don't worry about it." Roland brought his sword down with all his might and broke the lock in one shot.

Flipping the lid, they saw the chest was filled with silver coins! Kazuma picked one up and saw the familiar face of Eris winking at him.

"Okay! Now this is what I'm talking about!" Katrina said. "Kazuma, you find a few more of these and I _might _just let you touch my ears later."

"You serious?!"

"Calm down, I said might. Geez, you seriously are a perv, huh?"

"We'll do a proper count and divide the treasure up later," Roland was starting to toss the coins into four different sacks. "For right now we'll each take one bag's worth and carry it."

"It's not officially your share until we do the count at the end," Timothy said. "Until then it belongs to all of us. You better not steal any of it, Kazuma."

"Hey! I would never steal from my own party!"

"We're not a party, you're working freelance."

"Well maybe that'll change," Roland handed Kazuma one of the sacks.

It was heavy and Kazuma stored it in his backpack. Once everyone had put away a bag of silver they got ready to continue.

"Come on," Katrina said. "There's plenty more where this came from."

Kazuma was about to agree with her when his Detect Enemy ability triggered. "Uh, guys? There's one enemy coming straight at us."

The three of them looked at one another. "Just one? And moving towards us?" Roland asked.

"Yep."

Roland drew his sword and Katrina drew both of hers. Timothy took a few steps back.

"Then it's probably a strong enemy who was drawn by the sound of the blast."

"Sorry," Timothy said.

Roland shook his head. "Your fireball did the job; it was the right choice. It's not like we could clear this dungeon without fighting something stronger than zombies and goblins anyway."

"Vanish." Kazuma was invisible again and had his sword in his hands.

That was when he spotted it. The monster was about eight feet tall and built like a bull. Its horns were scraping the top of the tunnel and in its hands was a massive double-sided battle axe.

"A minotaur!" Roland's voice was higher than Kazuma had ever heard before.

"Fuck! They're really strong!" Katrina said.

Kazuma was about to try and slide behind it to set up for a backstab when Timothy gave a panicked shout.

"Fireball!" The ball of fire materialized in his hands and shot out instantly.

"No! Too close!" Roland cried but it was too late.

The minotaur was maybe ten yards in front of them when the spell struck and detonated. They were all caught in the blast and knocked off their feet. Kazuma landed hard and his side hurt like hell. Luckily, he had not been set on fire as well. He scrambled up to his feet, grabbing the side of the cave to steady himself. He opened his eyes to see a furious monster come charging out of the flames. Part of his chest was blackened, and there was blood, but the monster was obviously not badly hurt. It charged straight at Roland.

The knight swung his sword and landed a blow to the beast's ribs, but it didn't do much.

The minotaur hacked off Roland's head.

Kazuma froze. He stared and saw his new friend's head tossed through the air. Saw a sudden fountain of blood gush up out of his neck. Saw Roland's body still standing holding a sword. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, he just stared not believing it. This was supposed to be an adventure, right? Roland was one of the heroes wasn't he? He couldn't really be dead, right? Right? Kazuma stood there invisible and still as stone.

"Roland!" Katrina screamed and dove in fearlessly, swords whirling.

Kazuma didn't move. He was still standing there frozen as she saw the minotaur's axe gut her like a fish.

"Nooo!" Timothy howled and turned to run. The wizard made it about three steps before being cut in half.

And so, in the space of maybe thirty seconds, Kazuma watched his entire party get slaughtered right in front of his eyes as he just stood there.

With Timothy dead the minotaur halted and turned back around, eyes darting back and forth. Kazuma could hear it take a deep breath through its nostrils. Its head turned from one side to the other, searching. Kazuma could feel his heart pounding so fast he thought it would explode. He was afraid to breathe. He was shaking so hard he was SURE the monster would hear him. He wanted to run but didn't think his legs would let him. He just stood there watching as the thing looked about.

Then, after maybe a minute, it put down its axe and grabbed the lower half of Timothy's body. It began to eat. Kazuma could do nothing but watch.

XXX

The minotaur ate all three of his party members. The beast must have been somewhat intelligent though as it made a point to collect all the weapons and coins when it was done. When it was over it just walked back down the tunnel in the direction it had come.

When Kazuma could no longer sense it through Enemy Detection he ran.

He made it out of the dungeon without encountering anything else. As soon as he was outside in the sunlight he fell over and began to cry.


	6. A favor

It took Kazuma twelve days to make it back to Axel. That was plenty of time to grieve and blame himself. While he'd only known Roland, Katrina, and Timothy for a couple weeks that had still been long enough to see them as his party. They'd traveled and fought together and he'd hoped that the arrangement would be permanent. Roland had been a genuinely nice guy who had gone out of his way to make him feel welcome. While Katrina and Timothy hadn't exactly been friendly they had gotten along. They had deserved better than to be killed inside a dark damp dungeon and then eaten.

He was also deeply ashamed to have just stood there silently and done nothing. Rationally Kazuma knew there was nothing more he could have done. If he'd tried to attack that beast he would have just died too. And then… what? Before coming to this world he'd always assumed death was the final end. Now he knew better. If he were killed here what would happen? Would he wake up in another room in front or a different spoiled goddess? Would he get the same choices again? What if his choices were worse? What if he was told he didn't get a say in what happened next. Aqua had told him what would happen if he succeeded and killed the Devil King. But being the idiot he was he'd never thought to ask what would happen to him if he failed.

Immediately after what happened he'd thought about giving up being an adventurer. He still had his bag of silver, that would be plenty to let him set up a new life as a merchant. After a couple days though he'd reconsidered. The fact was he'd enjoyed life as an adventurer and being a member of a party. It was his literal dream come true. He was in a genuine fantasy world, he could do magic, he could be the hero he'd always pretended to be on line. How could he give that up? Yes, there was one hell of a downside. He was _never _going to forget what happened, but he wasn't ready to walk away from his dream.

There was something else he had to consider too. Even if he did manage to live a long peaceful life in this world selling cabbages, he would eventually die without killing the Devil King. What would happen then? Would he be punished for just giving up on the quest he'd been given? In the guild doing that got you a two week suspension. What would it get you in the afterlife? No. Even though he understood how real the dangers were now, he was an adventurer and this was the path he would continue on.

What had changed was his understanding that this was world was not a game. There were no extra lives and no save points. And adventurers could die just as easily as the monsters. Given the hardships he'd already endured he'd understood that to a point. But he'd sort of assumed that once he was on a genuine adventure things would just sort of work out. That had been unbelievably stupid! He understood that now though. He would take things more seriously from now on and not assume things always had to turn out how he wanted.

On the way back to Axel he discovered that Vanish and Detect Enemy were both passive skills that he could leave active even while he was asleep. At night he would climb up invisible onto a tree branch and sleep. During the day, he kept Detect Enemy active at all times, it drained a little of his MP but not that much. Only a couple times had he sensed enemies approaching. When that happened he disappeared and quietly headed in the opposite direction. He successfully avoided any encounters and eventually made it back home a more serious and somber person than he'd left.

XXX

Almost as soon as he entered the guild hall one of the staff hurried up to him. "Welcome to the adventurers guild! Can I get you a meal or a drink?"

"No, thanks. I just need -" Kazuma did a sudden double take. "Huh? Explosion loli, what are you doing in that outfit?"

The little girl frowned and crossed her arms. "Hmmph! I have a name you know, it's Megumin! Please remember it! I am afterall the greatest wizard in all the Crimson Demon Clan!"

Kazuma paused and looked down at her. "Oh? They can't be very good if their best has to work busting tables."

Megumin's face went red. "Th… This is just temporary! The city guard said I was bothering people by begging them for coin and that if I didn't stop they would lock me up. The guild was also threatening to revoke my adventurer's card. So, I had to find a way to make a living and feed myself. And even a stall in the stables costs something."

"Wait, wait, wait, you were begging people for money?" As hard as things had started out for him he'd never had to do that. There were plenty of low paying construction jobs that were at least enough to cover food and basic necessities.

Her face got even redder and she began rubbing her fingers together. "It's not like I wanted to, but none of the parties here will have me. And I can't really do solo quests since I need someone to carry me back after I use my magic. So what choice did I have?"

"To learn spells that don't turn everything to cinder and leave you a rag doll?" Kazuma had absolutely no sympathy for this girl. When he'd been with a party he'd done everything he could to help them succeed. This girl seemed to expect any party she joined to just cater to her. "If you would just learn a few different spells I bet every single party here would want you as a member. Are you seriously telling me you'd rather beg in the streets than learn more spells?"

"That's right!" She declared proudly. "I walk the path of explosion! No other lesser magic interests me! Explosion is the one and only spell that matters, all others are worthless and beneath contempt! I'd rather beg in the streets, no, I'd rather starve and die in the streets then ever lower myself to learn any other magic besides explosion!"

Megumin stood there head held high, eyes shining, and fist clenched.

"Wow, I'm honestly amazed."

"Thank you," she said with a wide smile.

"You are definitely the biggest idiot I've ever met, and I knew someone who was stupid enough to get swallowed by giant toads twice within five minutes."

Her jaw dropped and she stared at him.

He stared back. "Hey, did you get your eye healed? Didn't you used to wear an eyepatch?"

"My eyes are fine. I just thought it looked cool."

"Of course you did," Kazuma sighed and headed to the desk.

Luna happened to be working today and she greeted him. "Welcome back, Kazuma! How did things in the dungeon go?" She shifted her eyes to the entrance. "Are Roland and the others coming too?"

Kazuma flinched, and the instant he did Luna's smile vanished. "No, they're not. They're gone, we ran into a minotaur and…" He didn't say anything more.

"Oh, Kazuma I'm so sorry." She reached out and placed a hand on top of his.

He nodded.

"Kazuma, I know this isn't any sort of comfort, but what happened is part of being an adventurer. It's a risk all adventurers have to accept. They all knew and accepted that, believe me. If you're feeling guilty then you shouldn't. Everyone here has made their choice."

A few other adventurers who were close enough to overhear nodded. A big muscular guy with a mohawk whose name he didn't know came over and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Remember them, keep them alive in your heart and your memories and a little bit of them will live on. This is what it means to be an adventurer."

"Thanks," he said.

XXX

Kazuma took out the bag of silver and removed a handful of coins before handing it to Luna. In the entire time getting back he'd never bothered to count out what he had. He asked her to do the count and deposit it in the vault. She did so and informed him it came to a little over thirty-five million eris. So long as he didn't go crazy money was no longer a problem for him.

The word about what happened to Roland, Katrina, and Timothy spread and everyone there came up to give their condolences. No one mentioned he was only a contractor with their party and no one blamed him for surviving. They all told him that this was part of what it was to be an adventurer.

Kazuma then went ahead and got drunk.

He didn't even need to spend his own money as the others insisted on covering for him. He drank until he puked. (And no his vomit was not rainbow colored and minty fresh.) Then he somehow stumbled home and passed out. He kept to himself a couple of days before deciding to go back to the guild hall. A few people gave him their condolences, but for the most part, the place was as loud and rowdy as always.

_Everything is back to normal_, he realized. People died and were mourned. Then life continued. The world was not going to come to a grinding halt because three people were no longer in it. It was another lesson for him.

He had decided to remain an adventurer, but with all the money he had now there was no need to rush things. He went to the guild to have lunch, had a few beers, listened to what people were talking about, had dinner, had some more beers and then headed home. He wasn't sure what exactly he was looking for, but he figured he could relax until whatever it was came along.

Kazuma didn't put any new notices on the board. A couple parties had inquired about his services and he had very politely turned them down. He looked over the listed notices and saw they were all very dangerous jobs. The word was that one of the Devil Kings general had moved into the area and sent all the weak monsters into hiding. The capital was sending a force of high level knights to deal with the problem. But no one knew when they would arrive. Since Kazuma wasn't worried about money this wasn't any kind of problem and he continued with his routine.

He noticed the explosion loli was there working most days for about twelve hours. (Forty hour work week? Overtime pay? Minimum wage? Child labor laws? What are those? Are they tasty?) He overheard her complaining about not being allowed to drink beer even though she worked there, about how little she earned and how the waitresses with the big tits got all the attention and tips. She complained about having to live in a two room apartment with three roommates that was downwind of a cow pasture. What she complained the most about was that she hadn't been able to use Explosion even once since the cabbage harvest. Apparently the city guard wouldn't allow her to use that spell within five miles of the city wall and she couldn't convince anyone to go with her and carry her all the way back. That she genuinely just expected people to do this for her out of the kindness of their hearts spoke about how delusional she was.

When the loli was the one serving him he would occasionally mention her learning more spells and how if she did not only would she earn more but she might even have to occasion to use Explosion. She adamantly refused. No matter the circumstance she was a one spell kind of girl. He thought she was a stubborn idiot, which was the worst kind. _Maybe it's just as well_, he thought. _It's at least safer for her_.

Before he knew it about a month had passed since he'd come back from the dungeon. More parties had asked him about working with them and he'd turned them all down. He was a fixture at the guild hall though people were starting to wonder if he was done with adventuring. Since he had more than thirty-five million eris in his account though no one made an issue of it. It was the middle of winter, there was snow on the ground, and the knights from the capital had yet to arrive so there were still no low level quests available. Kazuma was sitting at the bar relaxing when he spotted a familiar face.

Chris walked up to him. Trailing a couple steps behind her was a gorgeous big breasted blonde in armor. Chris had a serious expression on her face and did not waste time.

"Kazuma, I need a favor."


	7. The Darkness can be scary

The second Kazuma spotted her he smiled. She was far and away the nicest person he'd met since dying and had been really hoping to see her again. Chris walked right up to his seat at the bar.

"Kazuma, I need a favor."

"Nice to see you too, Chris."

She looked a bit embarrassed and her cheeks flushed. "Oh, sorry, it has been awhile. I guess I should at least say hi before asking you for something."

His smile never wavered; he'd just wanted to tease her a little. "It's not a problem. I'm really happy to see you again."

She put a warm hand on top of his. "I heard what happened to Roland and the others, I want you to know I'm sorry. I worked with them a couple times. Timothy could be sort of annoying, but they were all good people."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," he hesitated. "I was there when it happened. I guess my great luck saved me, but not them."

Chris frowned. "Luck isn't a cure all, Kazuma. It's an advantage, a big one, but if you expect it to fix every problem for you, you are going to be _very _disappointed. Don't rely on it. Work hard and do the right thing, and if things happen to break your way appreciate it."

Kazuma gave a slow nod. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

"Oh, and maybe give Eris a prayer every now and then," she winked. "It couldn't hurt."

"I don't know, my experience with goddesses hasn't exactly been great."

"They're not all the same, Kazuma. And who knows? If you offer up a prayer to her, Eris just might be listening."

"I'll think about it," he said. Kazuma had never been what anyone would call religious. But since dying and discovering there was an afterlife his views had changed some. Of course, the one goddess he'd actually met was a drunk, lazy, moron who abandoned him the second a better choice came along. So his view of the gods wasn't what you could call positive. "So, what's this favor you need?"

Chris turned to the girl standing behind her and motioned her forward. She was _very _sexy. Even wearing armor her voluptuous figure was obvious.

"This is my friend, Darkness. She's a crusader."

The girl had an eager look in her eyes as she gave Kazuma a respectful nod. "I am very pleased to meet you, Kazuma. Chris has told me about you."

A memory suddenly popped up. "Hey! I remember you. I saw you during the cabbage harvest. You were standing there putting your body on the line to protect others. I thought you were amazing."

Her cheeks blushed and she squirmed a bit. "Th… That was nothing, it was my duty as a crusader to take a beating for the sake of me fellows. I would gladly do it again!"

Kazuma couldn't help but be impressed by her willingness to face danger to protect others. For some reason Chris looked a little uncomfortable and was scratching her cheek.

"Listen, Kazuma, the favor I have in mind isn't for me, but for her. Would you be willing to form a party with her? Even just a temporary one?"

"Are you kidding?!" Kazuma jumped to his feet. He remembered seeing her at the harvest and wishing he could have someone like her for a partner. All at once it seemed like fate was stepping in. This _had _to be what he'd been waiting for this past month. Without even knowing it he'd been hanging out at the guild waiting for his fated partner to come join him! "I'd love to!"

"Thank you, Kazuma!" Darkness rushed forward getting way too close. She brought her beautiful face within an inch of Kazuma's and set his heart racing. For a poor virgin like him this was too much stimulus.

"Heh, great, glad that's settled." Chris sounded oddly unenthusiastic given this was a favor.

Kazuma sidestepped and put a little personal space between him and Darkness.

"Listen, while I'm really happy to work with you I'm a little curious why someone like you would pick me. I mean I'm sure any party would want someone as strong as you."

"You might be surprised," Chris mumbled.

"The answer is simple, Kazuma." Darkness's face reddened and her breathing got noticeably heavier. "When Chris told me about you I knew immediately you were my ideal partner and that I wanted to form a party with you!"

"Oh really?" He gave Chris an embarrassed smile and rubbed the back of his neck. She'd obviously told her all about his amazing thief skills and unbelievable luck.

"Is it true?" Darkness asked panting. "Is it true you stole Chris's panties and then forced her to undress and put them back on right in front of you?!"

Somewhere in the bar a glass shattered. All the talking came to a sudden halt and Kazuma could see everyone staring at him.

"Geez! What a pervert!" Megumin said loudly from the other side of the bar.

Kazuma looked around with eyes wide. "HUH?!" He then glowered at Chris. "Why would you tell her about that?!"

"It's true then! You really are a beast! Please! Let me join your p… p… party!"

Chris put a hand to her face. "Let's all sit down and talk."

XXX

They got a table in one of the corners, as far away from everyone else as possible. Kazuma couldn't help noticing people looking at him and whispering to neighbors and making amused faces. Megumin came over with a tray holding three ales. When she slammed one in front of him she said…

"Just so you know if I catch you staring at my panties that's sexual harassment and I'll slap you."

"You slap me, little girl, and I'll take you over my knee and spank you."

Megumin hurried off as soon as Chris paid for the drinks, she gave the brat a nice tip too.

"Threatening to spank young girls in public, how wicked." Darkness said with a happy sigh.

Kazuma stared. _What is wrong with her? _But she wasn't the one he was mad at and he rounded on Chris. "Why did you tell her about what happened?!"

"Sorry, sorry," she held her hands up. "I didn't plan on it I swear. I was just telling her about you, and it sort of slipped out."

"Did you mention I don't have any control over what I get when I use Steal?"

"She told me you were very excited and waved the panties over your head while celebrating."

Kazuma spat out the ale he'd just started drinking. "That… I… I'd never touched a girl's panties before. I… I was excited."

Darkness nodded. "It was your savage nature exposing itself."

"Okay you need to stop talking about me that way! I am a normal guy, alright? Yes, I am interested in girls, but it's a natural healthy interest. There's nothing weird about it."

"Chris said you cried and wept for fifteen minutes when you realized you weren't going to see her unclothed."

"What?! No! I just, well, you see…" He glared at Chris.

She shrugged. "It wasn't a lie; you were really disappointed."

"Such a savage," Darkness sighed.

"If you think I'm so horrible why do you want to partner with me?"

She fiddled about in her seat. "I just think we could form a good team. You would be free to expose your true nature and use me as you see fit. No matter what sort of vile degradation or humiliation you might want to inflict on me I promise you I can take it. Shame me! Beat me! Hurt me! No matter what you make me suffer I'll endure it without complaint! No! I'll accept it with a smile on my face and beg for more!"

As she said all this her breathing kept getting heavier and drool began dripping from her mouth.

Witnessing this the truth began dawning on him. _This chick is freaky! She actually wants to be abused! _Kazuma knew some guys were into that kind of stuff, but for him it was a massive turn off. He found this sort of behavior creepy as all hell.

"Darkness," Chris coughed into her mouth. "I think you're scaring him."

"Oh," she stopped and sat back looking embarrassed. "Did I say something strange?"

"You mean you consider what you just said _normal_?" Kazuma asked in disbelief.

"Listen, Kazuma," Chris said. "I know Darkness can come off as a little… eccentric."

"Is that what you call it? I have a different name, a few different names."

"But she's actually a really sweet person and a good friend. Darkness is maybe one of the toughest people in this world. She can be a wall that can stand up to anything and she won't hesitate to put herself into danger."

"Well, that much I certainly believe."

"She needs to be in a party, just for a short time. It doesn't have to be permanent."

He gave Chris a knowing look. "Let me guess, no one else will partner with her?"

"Heh, that's not exactly true. If you say no there are a few others we can try."

"New adventurers whose acquaintance I have yet to make," Darkness provided helpfully.

"In other words, no one who actually knows her wants to partner with her," Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "If she really was such a great crusader, wouldn't at least some be willing to put up with her 'eccentricities?'"

"Wow, Kazuma, you sure are suspicious."

"That's not a denial, what else is wrong with her?"

Darkness gave a gasp and hugged herself. "So contemptuous!"

Kazuma shuddered. "Or maybe she's just so freaky no one else can deal with it."

"Kazuma, listen, her family is putting pressure on her to give up her career as a crusader and marry. She's eighteen, prime marriageable age. Her father claims she isn't accomplishing anything as a crusader and should retire her sword. The fact she hasn't done any quests recently doesn't help. She just got a personal request for tomorrow. It's an easy two day escort mission, all you have to do is ride in a carriage and make sure the client gets where she is headed. It pays 100,000 eris. It's easy money!"

"If it's so easy why does she even need me? Can't she just do it on her own?"

Darkness shook her head. "Regretfully, Cassandra insists on a minimum of two in the escort party. She wants at least two people to chat with during the trip."

"So, all you have to do is sit in a nice warm carriage for two days and chat with a pretty girl," Chris said with a grin. "Then as soon as you deliver her you collect 50,000 and ride the same carriage back, free of charge of course. What could be easier?"

Kazuma thought about it. The money didn't matter. What mattered was that this chick seriously worried him. Glancing about the room he could see people still looking in his direction with amused expressions. The last thing he needed was to spend four days with this crazy girl, half of them alone. He could only imagine what people would say about that.

"I'm sorry, but-"

Chris clasped her hands and her eyes were suddenly wet, it was like being stared at by a silver haired puppy. "Please Kazuma, do it as a favor to me, sensei. It doesn't have to be permanent, just this one job. I'll owe you." She started to make whimpering sounds.

He knew she was playing him. Knew it. But… he really liked Chris. A lot. And the thought of her being in his debt had some appeal to it. It would only be a two-day job and if things were than uncomfortable he could always pay to take a different carriage back. How bad could it be?

"Okay, fine I'll do it."

"Great!" Chris said and her eyes were instantly dry.

Darkness nodded. "I am very glad to know we will be partners. Oh, and just so you know, if you have plans of assaulting me in the middle of the night to hold me down and brutally strip me of my panties and my dignity, you should be aware that I am a very deep sleeper and probably would not be able to resist you at all."

Both Kazuma and Chris started at her with obvious discomfort.

"Did I say something strange again?"


	8. A fair fight

As soon as Chris finished her beer she excused herself and headed out. Kazuma was left sitting with his new partner and member of his third team. His first team ended when Aqua dumped him for the blond jerk. His second ended when everyone else got eaten. He honestly didn't have high hopes for this third one.

"Hey, can I see you adventurer card?"

"Certainly," Darkness handed it over to him.

Kazuma took it and looked it over. She was a level eight crusader, same level as him. Level eight seemed to be a kind of plateau where you started to need a lot more xp. He was honestly surprised to see her intelligence was about average. Apparently being a masochist didn't mean you were dumb. Her strength and constitution were both very high, almost as high as his luck stat. He had seen her during the cabbage harvest, so he knew she wasn't completely inept. He went through her abilities.

"You don't have any spells."

"The crusader class is restricted from learning magic," Darkness informed him. "But in exchange we can learn almost any fighting or combat skill."

"Well, I guess that makes sense." He looked at what she had listed.

Defense.

Guard.

Parry.

Magical Resistance.

Physical Resistance.

Greater Defense.

Supreme Defense.

Greater Guard.

Supreme Guard.

"Ah, aren't your skills kind of heavy on defense? I don't see even one weapons skill here."

Darkness nodded. "That's right, I believe the role of a crusader is to defend others. Therefore, my skill choices reflect that." Her face blushed and she squirmed a bit in her seat. "Y… You don't need to worry about me, I can take any beating without complaint."

"I believe you, but that's not what I'm worried about." Kazuma muttered.

Kazuma himself had no fighting skills except for Backstab, but he could still use his sword and daggers well enough. This world didn't run on 100% game logic where if you didn't say have the cooking ability you would burn anything you tried to cook to ash. Obviously, for magic spells if you didn't have them you couldn't use them at all. But for physical acts human beings could normally perform, like swinging a sword, having a skill simply meant you became much more proficient in it than someone who'd never touched a sword. Obviously, Darkness could still use her weapon. But it worried him a little that she didn't have a single sword skill. Shouldn't a knight or crusader be just as worried about the offense as the defense?

"Hey, would you mind a doing a test with me?"

"A test?" She leaned forward and looked eager. "What did you have in mind? Are you planning to tie me up and see how high my pain threshold is?"

"Down girl," he leaned back away from her. "Even if it's just for this one quest it's kind of important for party members to know what one another can do. So, could I just see you perform as a crusader?"

She sat back proudly. "Of course, Kazuma! It would be my pleasure to demonstrate my skills to you!"

XXX

The adventurer's guild didn't train people, that wasn't their responsibility. Even so, they kept a small stock of wooden practice weapons that they could lend out to guild members as a courtesy. Kazuma borrowed two wooden swords and headed out back behind the guild. When he mentioned he was going to spar with Darkness a few people in the guild hall had started to chuckle. He was surprised when most of them followed him and Darkness outside. They didn't say anything, just stood there looking like they were waiting for a show to start.

_Bastards_, he thought. _They're probably expecting to see her beat the crap out of me. Sorry, but I'm not that helpless. _Darkness also noticed the small crowd and looked oddly uncomfortable.

"Okay, I don't have any sword skills myself, so don't go crazy on me, all right? You don't need to prove how much better you are than me. I just want to get a rough idea of what you can do. Got it?"

She nodded. "Understood."

"Then to start, how about this? Let me attack you, you just defend, no hitting me. Then it'll be your turn to attack. How's that sound?"

"In that case please wait a moment." Darkness stabbed her wooden sword into the frozen ground. (That by itself was kind of intimidating.) She then began removing her armor.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"My armor is mostly decorative to allow others to know my station. I have complete confidence in my defensive skills even without it. I want you to know you can depend on me totally, Kazuma." Her armor was soon piled up at her feet. She stood there in nothing but a black body suit and long skirt. She threw her arms out to either side. "Please attack me! You don't need to hold back! Strike me as hard as you can for as long as you like!"

"Uh, you sure?" As a firm believer in gender equality Kazuma had absolutely no issues with hitting a girl. But just beating on one seemed a bit much. He didn't need people saying he was a panty thief and abuser of women.

"Yes!" She cried out. "Show me no mercy!"

Kazuma glanced back over his shoulder at all the adventurers watching. No one raised a complaint or looked upset. Actually, they all looked kind of bored.

"Okay, fine, but don't blame me if I break something. Yaaaahhh!" He gave a battle cry and charged in, wooden sword over his head. He brought it straight down into her chest with all the strength and momentum he could muster.

Crack!

He could feel the impact race back up his arms and he let out a low grunt. The sword had struck home, but the girl hadn't so much as flinched.

"More please," she sighed with a joyous expression blossoming across her features.

Kazuma obliged. He stood there and wailed on her, hitting her in the chest, ribs, arms, shoulders, and legs. Pretty much everywhere but her head. Darkness stood there, just absorbing it without any reaction but a smile and content sighs. After about five minutes of this, Kazuma dropped his sword and bent over panting with his hands on his knees.

"Okay… your… defense… is… awesome."

"Thank you."

He took a few minutes to recover then stood straight and held the practice sword in what he hoped was a good defensive position.

"All right, it's your turn. You attack and I'll defend."

As soon as he said that he could hear the crowd begin to giggle and snort and chuckle.

_Crap, we're both level eight, I had no clue the difference between us was so huge. She is going to kill me. But I can't back out now after wailing on her. I'll just deal with it and heal myself after. _

Darkness looked uncomfortable. "You know Kazuma, we could just stop here. I don't really feel the need to demonstrate what I can do with a sword."

He shook his head. "I appreciate it, but it's only fair you get your turn. This was all my idea anyway, so go ahead. But, ah, try not to hurt me, okay? You told me to go all out, remember?"

She gave a glum nod and wrenched her sword out of the ground. "Understood. Then here I go!" She charged in, holding the wooden blade with both hands. Even to an amateur like Kazuma her form looked magnificent and she didn't seem to be holding back at all.

_Fuck my life, _he thought and gritted his teeth.

"Yaaaahhh!" She cried out and swung, making the air whistle.

Her sword missed him by about a foot.

The adventurers suddenly burst into laughter. Darkness remained where she was, her face turning red.

Kazuma blinked. "What was that?"

"I… I missed."

"Yeah, I know. Why?"

"Ah, you see, I-"

"Darkness, I seriously appreciate you not wanting to hurt me, but I really want to know how good a fighter you are. It's fine if you hold back, but go ahead and land your strike, I have armor underneath my shirt, and I know basic healing so it'll be okay. Please take this seriously."

"Understood," she sounded miserable.

She launched another attack. Then another, and another and another. She swung at him half a dozen times and didn't connect once. And as this continued the laughter from the crowd got louder and her face got redder.

After six missed attacks Kazuma stared at her. "Are you screwing with me?"

"N… No, while I have full confidence in my defense my offense has always been somewhat lacking."

"Lacking? I'm standing in front of you not even moving!"

She hung her head.

"Hold on a minute." He headed back into the guild hall.

"Where are you going?"

He ignored her. She and the other adventurers watched having no idea what he was doing. A minute later he came back out holding a wooden chair. He set it down on the ground in front of Darkness.

"Okay, maybe you're worried about hitting me. I want you to hit this chair as hard as you can, destroy it. I'll pay so there's no need to hold back."

Darkness hesitated.

From the crowd people called out.

"Seems like a fair fight."

"I've got ten thousand eris on the chair!"

"Sucker bet!" 

"Yaaahhhh!" Darkness screamed and launched a series of ferocious attacks, her blade whistling through the cold air.

The chair remained untouched.

The crowd was roaring, and Darkness's face was as red as a tomato.

Kazuma was getting ready to tear out his hair. "Are you kidding me?!"

"This is not the kind of humiliation I like!" Darkness cried.

XXX

After all the laughter died down Kazuma and Darkness went back inside to talk.

Kazuma was furious and trying to contain his temper. Chris soooo owed him for this. "Look, I don't want to be mean or anything, but how are you so freaking worthless?!"

She gasped and hugged herself. "So cruel!"

"Hey!" He pointed a finger right at her. "Don't you dare enjoy this! I am asking a serious question here! I was able to kill a pair of giant toads as a level 1 with no weapon skills. How can you be an advanced warrior class and not able to hit a chair? I mean how is that even physically possible?"

She stared down at the table. "I don't have an explanation. I have always been focused on taking punishment. Inflicting it has just never interested me."

"Okay, you get that a five year old with a toy sword would be more dangerous than you, right?"

"Kazuma! You have no mercy!" She was gasping and squirming.

He wanted to take a bath with a ton of soap. He let out a long sigh. "Listen, I already made a promise to Chris. So, I'll go with you on this escort mission, but that's it. As soon as it's over we go our separate ways, got it?"

"Understood." She hung her head.

Kazuma got the directions from her for where to meet the carriage tomorrow and headed home. He just hoped the mission went smoothly with no complications.


	9. The Darkness can also be protective

"So she came out of the kitchen with her chin _covered _in cherry stains. This not half an hour after mother had told her she couldn't have any dessert. Mother was livid and immediately spanked her right there in front of the entire family!" The girl lifted a fan in front of her face as she laughed. "Uncle tried to stop it; he never allowed his little girl to be punished. But they were in my family's home, so mother had her way. And would you believe she did the very same thing the next day?! You've never seen a more willful ten year old. Why you'd think she almost wanted to be spanked!" The girl laughed some more behind her fan.

Kazuma was seated across from her in a spacious and magically heated carriage. The girl's name was Cassandra Jonas Hattenburg. She was a seventeen year old noblewoman on her way from Axel back to her family estate. She was dressed in a flamboyant pink and white dress with a wide brimmed hat with pink roses. Her hair was a light blonde and her eyes a clear blue, she was attractive, wealthy, important, and _very _aware of it. She'd spent the entire carriage ride wanting to gossip and hear stories. She reminded Kazuma of the queen bee types in school who just took it for granted that everything revolved around them. The story she'd just told had been about her cousin.

"I'm sure that couldn't be the case," Kazuma said in an amused voice. "I mean what kind of girl wants to be spanked?" He turned his eyes from Cassandra to the person sitting beside her, who just happened to be the same cousin the story had been about. "Isn't that right, Lalatina?"

The other girl's hair was a darker shade of blonde and her chest was at least two sizes bigger. And rather than a dress she was wearing armor with a broadsword at her hip. Lalatina Ford Dustiness twisted in her seat and was wringing her hands. "Please stop calling me that! I keep telling you that while I am on duty you should address me by my adventurer name, Darkness!"

"Awwwww, but Lalatina suits you so much better," Kazuma said with a smirk. He'd realized from the start of the trip that being called by her real name embarrassed the girl. She was so strange. She could deal with talk of being tied up or molested without a care but call her Lalatina and she got flustered.

"I agree," Cassandra said slowly fanning herself. "I understand why you had to give yourself a different name while surrounded by commoners." She motioned to Kazuma. "But Darkness doesn't suit you at all, the same way your armor and sword don't."

Kazuma didn't appreciate the dismissive tone in her voice or the way she treated him like a servant. But Kazuma had to admit he agreed with her point. Someone who couldn't even hit anything with her sword shouldn't be an adventurer. To a certain degree he _did_ sympathize with Darkness. Everyone should get to choose what they did with their lives and get to follow their dream. But at a certain point reality would just have to set in.

In second grade he knew a pudgy little kid with glasses named Hameko whose dream was to be a baseball player. When kids picked sides to play he was always the last one chosen and Kazuma couldn't remember him ever getting one single hit. The last Kazuma heard he was taking college level science courses in High School and well on his way to becoming an engineer. Some things were just not meant to be and there was no point in fighting them.

The girl sat rigid and clutched both hands into fists. "I am a faithful follower of Eris, and serving as a crusader is my way of showing devotion to her holy cause. I believe those with strength have an obligation and duty to sacrifice themselves for the greater good! It would be selfish of me to just indulge myself without giving anything back to the people of the world!"

Cassandra stared at her and covered her open mouth with her fan.

"That sounds very admirable, Lalatina." Kazuma said in a flat voice. Her declaration sounded genuinely inspiring… if you didn't know a few things about her. "Is that _really_ why you want to be a crusader?"

Her cheeks tinged a bit and he could see a slight shudder run through her. "I… It's the most important reason."

_But not the main one, _he thought.

"It's not proper for someone in your position," Cassandra said. "Won't you reconsider staying with my family? Even for just a short holiday? We're having a get together and some upstanding young men from the finest families will be visiting the estate. You could spend some time with them. Who knows? Maybe you'll finally meet someone to your liking and fall in love!"

Lalatina narrowed her eyes. "My father arranged this didn't he? When we arrive, the carriage will suddenly break down and there won't be another one available for at least a few days."

Cassandra giggled and fanned herself. "Well he wouldn't have to go so far if you would just agree to attend the balls and royal functions. You can't play at adventurer forever you know. I mean it's fine for someone like him," she jabbed her fan at Kazuma. "But you're someone who matters, Lalatina. You shouldn't waste your life."

Kazuma could feel a vein in his forehead throb.

"It's not a waste!" Lalatina declared. "It's definitely something worth doing!" She suddenly turned to look at him. "Kazuma, why did you become an adventurer?"

The question caught him off guard and he took a moment to think about it. "Because of all the options I had it seemed like the best one. And, to be honest, I thought it would be fun."

"Fun?" Cassandra raised her eyebrows. "What's fun about being in danger or tramping through forests and smelly dungeons?" She gave a dramatic shudder. "It's fine for commoners I suppose, they have nothing better to do with their lives, so it doesn't matter. But for a noble lady it's different."

This girl was starting to piss him off. Kazuma opened his mouth to let her know what he thought of that, but Lalatina spoke first.

"Everyone's life matters! No one is disposable and no one who lives doesn't affect and touch the lives of others! Every single person is important and worth protecting!"

Kazuma's mouth shut and he couldn't keep from nodding. When she wasn't acting like a raging perv, the girl was actually pretty cool. It was sort of shame she couldn't even hit the side of a barn.

At this point everyone in the carriage noticed it was slowing down.

"Are we almost there?" He looked out the window and saw they were on a path in the middle of a snow covered forest. He didn't see any signs of buildings or settlement anywhere. This was their second day on the road, and it was still only late morning.

"No," Cassandra said with annoyance. "We won't arrive until near sunset." She made a shooing motion with her hand. "Go see what the problem is."

_This is why customer service jobs always suck, _he thought. Kazuma suppressed a sigh and forced a grin onto his lips. "Sure thing."

As soon as the carriage came to a full stop Kazuma opened one of the doors and stepped out. The driver, a somber man who'd barely said two words the entire trip, set the brake and climbed down.

"Oy, what's the problem? Need to drain the weasel?"

The man stopped and gave Kazuma a forlorn and hopeless look. "I'm sorry. I have debts. This was the only way." He then ran into the snowy woods.

"Huh?" The guy wasn't moving like someone who was about to come right back. Kazuma started to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

That was when his Detect Enemy ability told him there were six enemies approaching. Three from ahead and three from behind.

"Oh fuck!"

"How dare you use that sort of language in front of two noble ladies!" Cassandra said.

Darkness immediately jumped out of the carriage to join him. "What's the matter?"

"I think we just got led into an ambush. There are six enemies coming, three from each direction."

"Oh!" Cassandra leaned out the carriage door with an excited look on her face. "I'm going to be kidnapped! How thrilling! It must be Black Tom and his ruffians. They've been abducting nobles traveling this way."

"You never mentioned that!" Kazuma yelled.

"It's fine," she waved her fan about. "They treat their prisoners very well and they are always released completely unharmed as soon as the ransom is paid. This will make for a thrilling story when I get home to mother."

"Huh, well that's not too bad I suppose."

"Kazuma!" Darkness said with worry. "Only the abducted get treated that way. The guards are **always **killed!"

"It's fine, Lalatina. Just tell them who you are and they'll kidnap you too."

"And what about me?" Kazuma demanded.

Cassandra blinked. "Oh. Well I suppose for you this is bad. Try to meet your end bravely though and I'll tell them about you in the stories."

_I am going to slap the hell out of this bitch! _He promised himself. Kazuma glanced all about, gauging their situation. The enemy would be here soon. The woods were thick and there was a foot of snow on the ground. There was absolutely no room for the carriage off the path.

"Darkness, toss her over your shoulder and follow me!"

"Understood!" She reached up and grabbed her cousin.

"What?"

Darkness had no trouble carrying her and chasing after Kazuma who was running into the woods.

"What are you doing?" Cassandra wailed. "This is undignified! And it's cold!"

They both ignored her.

"Kazuma, we can't outrun them, they'll be on horseback. We can't hide either, we're leaving tracks in the snow."

"I… know," he panted. "But… got… an… idea."

XXX

Six men in long black cloaks cantered into a small clearing in the wood. They were all riding horses. Two of them had crossbows out and were aiming them at the blonde warrior standing before them. She was in a fighting stance with her sword out facing them with an eager look in her eyes. Standing behind her was a woman in a pink and white dress shivering. They were both in front of a large oak. The bandit leader, Black Tom, was a burly man of at least two hundred and fifty pounds. He had a thick mustache and was wearing a black hat with a wide brim.

"Throw down your sword and we can make this quick and clean," he promised. "And I know there's one more guard. Where's he?"

"Villain! I am the crusader Darkness! Know that no matter how b… brutal and c… cruel you may be I will defend my charge. W… Whatever shameful and d… degrading plans you have for me I will stop you!"

Black Tom put his head back and laughed. "You're shaking like a leaf girl, your face is red with panic, and I can see you struggling for breath."

"T… That may be so, b… but I have a d… duty to fulfill."

"Hey boss, she's gorgeous!" One of the men with the crossbows said. "We don't need to kill her off right away do we?"

"Yeah!" Another man said. "Let's take her back to the camp and have some fun with her! Maybe we don't kill her at all and just make her our slave and do as we please with her."

Darkness suddenly gave a cry that most of the people there assumed was one of terror, but sounded oddly erotic.

"You can't do that!" Cassandra yelled. "This is Lalatina Ford Dustiness! Her father will pay any amount to get her back safely."

Black Tom's eyes widened. "Is that true?"

"It is," Darkness declared. "But I have no intention of allowing you to capture me." Her tone was resigned and oddly… disappointed.

"Then you're worth a fortune," he waved a hand. "Go grab them. Now where's the other guard? I don't like loose ends."

The three other men not holding crossbows climbed down from their horses and began to approach the two women. Each with a sword drawn and looking threatening. Darkness held firm while Cassandra stood behind her shivering.

"Snipe! Snipe!" Out of nowhere two arrows hit the bandits still on their horses holding crossbows. One got it through his throat, the other in an eye. Both men toppled from the saddle and had their mounts take off in a panic. The remaining four were caught off guard.

"Yaaaahhh!" Darkness let out a blood curdling battle cry and charged at the three men approaching her and her cousin. Beauty though she might be, she was still an armored crusader with a sword in her hands.

The three men had no choice but to attack her seriously. While her strikes hit nothing but air, all three of them landed blows. None of them seemed to do her any harm though. She let out another battle cry and kept pressing the attack. Her appearance was one of a ferocious warrior! The three of them were all yelling at one another in a panic. Their swords were hitting but doing nothing!

One bandit suddenly cried out as he got a short sword driven through his back so hard the point came his chest. When he collapsed the invisible Kazuma wasn't able to yank it back out. He quickly grabbed two of his throwing knives instead.

"Snipe! Snipe!" The blades found their marks in the men's throats and they fell clutching at their necks.

"Damn it!" Black Tom, the last survivor was charging at him from horseback waving a long sword.

Kazuma was still invisible, but he could do nothing about the snow at his feet. There was no choice but to dive out of the way before being sliced open. He landed face first in some fresh powder and was clearly outlined.

Black Tom wheeled around; sword ready. "I can see you!"

There was no chance of getting out of the way. 

"Yaaaahhh!" Darkness lowered her shoulder and charged. She tackled Black Tom's mount and sent him flying off of it.

The powerful man hit the ground and rolled. He got back to his feet sword in hand ready to fight.

"Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe!"

Four throwing knives were buried up to their hilts in his neck, right eye socket, forehead, and heart. He gave a, "Grrrk." And toppled over dead.

XXX

With the fight finally over Kazuma reappeared. He was bent over and panting.

"Kazuma!" Darkness ran over to his side. "Are you all right?"

Still panting, he looked up at her, smiled, and gave her a thumbs up. Seeing this, Darkness smiled back at him.

"Well this is disappointing," Cassandra said. "I was looking forward to being kidnapped and the tales I could tell about it. Well, I suppose this will make a good story too. If you are all done can we get back to the carriage now? I'm cold." The girl sounded quite impatient.

"Hey Darkness, what would happen if I slapped her right now?"

"Since you are not of noble birth you would probably be executed."

"Figures," he muttered.

Darkness looked at him. "I could slap her without repercussions though."

Kazuma's grin turned a bit evil. "Would you?"

She cracked her knuckles. "While I don't usually care for inflicting pain, I can make an exception."

XXX

The carriage didn't arrive at the Hattenburg estate until after sunset. Darkness was at the reins and Kazuma was sitting up in the driver seat beside her. On the roof of the carriage was a half frozen body tied down along with all the luggage. Black Tom had a bounty on his head and the body was required to collect it.

The Lady Hattenburg was most dismayed to know her beloved daughter had almost been abducted by these foul ruffians. What upset her even more was the sight of a massive purple bruise covering the right side of her daughter's face. It seemed one of those animals had laid his hands on her. The experience had obviously been traumatic as she hurried to her room and refused to speak to anyone about it. For some strange reason, she sent her cousin a furious glare before running off.

The Lady Hattenburg pleaded with her niece to stay with them for a few days, but she insisted they needed to get back to Axel to collect the bounty and report the incident. Lady Hattenburg couldn't really argue with her. So, she and her partner would have a good meal and night's rest before setting off early the next morning.

Darkness told everyone that Kazuma was the one who'd killed Black Tom and saved Cassandra from being kidnapped and the family from paying a massive ransom. Kazuma was treated as a hero by the entire family. (Except Cassandra who stayed in her room all evening.)

The next morning Kazuma and Darkness receive not only the one hundred thousand eris for their original task, but another five hundred thousand as thanks for what they'd done.

"The bounty for Black Tom is five million eris," Darkness informed him as they left. "Since you were the one who killed him it belongs to you."

Kazuma shook his head. "If it weren't for your help I'd be dead. Besides, a party should always split the rewards equally. I don't see any reason why a bounty should be any different."

Darkness coughed into her hand. "Are we still a party, Kazuma? I thought that was over as soon as we finished the escort mission."

He looked at her and spoke seriously. "I want to keep working with you. I'm not going to lie, the fact you can't hit a damn thing is a problem. But you're brave, strong, and one hell of a tank!"

"Tank?" She asked in confusion. "Are you saying I can hold a lot of liquids?"

He chuckled. "It's a word from where I come from. It means someone who can absorb damage and keep going. Every party needs one and I can't imagine anyone being better at it than you. If you'll be my shield, I'll be your sword. What do you say?"

He held a hand out to her. She eagerly clasped it.

"Thank you, Kazuma! I've been searching for someone who could be my partner for a long time. I'm sure together we'll make a fine party!"

"Yeah, I'm sure we will."

Her face began to redden. "Of course you can use me in any way you like. For instance, if you need me to distract our enemies by having me as a tempting target you can tie me up and leave me helpless. You can abandon me as though I were worthless! You can even strip me first if you think that will help!"

"Okay, stop doing that, Lalatina. It creeps me out."

"Don't call me Lalatina! My name is Darkness!"

He smirked at her. "Whatever you say, Lalatina."


	10. Everyone's hero

The two day trip back to Axel was uneventful. They returned through the main gate about an hour before sunset.

Bounties weren't paid out at the adventurer's guild, but rather at the city's main guard house. After two days travel on top of a wagon the body of Black Tom was by now frozen solid. Darkness being as physically strong as she was carried it into the guard house under one arm. This got them quite a few confused looks, before they explained what was going on. Kazuma heard some of the guards talking about some really big raid that had recently taken place. He didn't pay attention as he was more concerned with getting rid of the frozen corpse they were carrying around. Eventually they were directed downstairs to the station morgue where the body's identity was confirmed, and the bounty paid out. Kazuma and Darkness each pocketed two and a half million eris.

That finally done they returned the carriage and set out for the guild hall. It was time to celebrate! It turned out Black Tom had been a level forty warrior. Taking him out had earned Kazuma enough experience points to jump all the way up to level eleven. He also gained three more skill points. He already used two of them on Fire Arrow and One-Handed Fighting Style. As effective as Snipe was, Kazuma figured having an offensive spell might come in handy someday. (Sadly, Fireball was an intermediate spell and so not available for an Adventurer. One Handed Fighting Style, as the name suggested, made him proficient using any weapon with a single hand. Not just swords and daggers, but he could use it with anything else that only required one hand to wield; axes, maces, clubs etc. He could have gotten Swordsmanship or Dagger Use, that would have given him a larger bonus, but this would allow him to improve with either and also with anything else he might suddenly pick up. Plus, he could always learn those skills later if he needed to.

This left him with one available skill point. He intended to keep that open until he could talk to Chris again to pick up another Thief skill. So, he was headed to the guild hall having killed a dangerous bandit who'd been over thirty levels higher than him, collected a nice fat paycheck, gained three levels, two skills, and having formed a permanent party. He and Darkness had definitely earned a celebration. Kazuma didn't plan to brag about what he'd accomplished. Though if anyone asked…

As they approached, the guild hall was sounding pretty raucous with shouts and cheers audible half a block away. The guild hall tended to be loud most nights, but tonight it sounded like there was a real party going on. Since he was already in a mood to drink and have some fun, Kazuma was eager to join in. As soon as he entered the very first thing he saw was a blue haired goddess standing on a table chugging a bottle of wine as people crowded in and cheered her on.

Kazuma stopped in his tracks and gawked up at her. "What the hell?"

"Is something wrong?" Darkness asked.

"Yes, definitely, if people are cheering on that moron something has to be wrong."

Darkness followed his gaze. "Who is she?"

"Her name is Aqua."

"Aqua? She was your first partner, correct? She abandoned you for a Swordmaster named Mitsurugi?"

"I guess Chris told you about that?"

Darkness nodded.

"She must love sharing my high points," Kazuma muttered. "Yeah, well Aqua is a drunk, lazy, moron who really does believe she's an invincible goddess. She couldn't even deal with a giant toad without getting swallowed by it. So, I have no idea how she can be this popular."

As he watched he saw Mitsurugi wander about with a mug in his hand. His steps were a bit wobbly. Everyone near him was slapping his back and obviously congratulating him.

"What. The. Hell?"

A harried Megumin came by struggling with a tray full of drinks. She spared Kazuma a quick look. "You want anything? It's free drinks for the rest of the night, thanks to our hero." She nodded over in Mitsurugi's direction.

"What did he do?"

"Oh not much," Megumin said with a snort. "He just killed one of the Devil King's generals, that's all." She then hurried off to deliver her drinks.

Kazuma stood there frozen in place. _What the hell?!_

XXX

He sat down with Darkness to have some free ale and he heard the story from other adventurers.

People knew that one of the Devil King's generals had moved into the area. It seemed he'd taken up residence in a nearby abandoned castle. The king had promised to send a detachment of high level knights to deal with the problem, but it had been weeks and there was still no word about them. So Mitsurugi had taken it upon himself to deal with things. He'd led his party into the castle. Apparently Aqua had cleared the way of minor undead with her holy magic and allowed Mitsurugi to fight the general, who was a dullahan apparently, and destroyed him in a one on one duel with his magic sword.

"Of course, he did," Kazuma muttered beneath his breath. "That's like a boss fight for every single RPG ever made."

This had apparently happened a couple of days ago. So, as he was fighting for his life in the snow against Black Tom and his thugs, the idiot goddess and her idiot boyfriend were literally storming the castle. The blond jerk was now everyone's hero and the moron was his number one support. No one could stop talking about how amazing they were and about how brave and courageous. It made Kazuma want to puke.

_Are you all blind?! _He wanted to scream at them. _She's a fraud! She's lazy and stupid and worthless! Where is this amazing priestess you keep talking about?! I sure as hell have never met her! And the guy she's with is an arrogant bully and a tool! He's as blind as the rest of you! _But they all just kept drinking and cheering and celebrating.

And the worst, the absolute worst part of it, was hearing the news that the king had awarded Mitsurugi three hundred million eris! Sixty times what he'd earned taking out Black Tom! That really put everything into perspective. He'd been really proud of his accomplishment. He'd expected to get to brag to people about it. (At least a little bit. If they asked. Or if it somehow slipped out during conversation.) It had certainly seemed impressive just an hour ago. Now it had been reduced to inconsequence.

In this world Black Tom was the equivalent of a local gang leader. This general was like an international terrorist wanted in every country. There was no comparison. Kazuma sat there drinking his ale and stewing as he continued to hear the cheers for the two of them.

He was _not _jealous! There was no way he could be jealous! He just didn't understand how this situation was possible. How could the exact same person who got swallowed twice by toads and was always crying and whining suddenly be the center of so much love? And how could her loser boyfriend be the hero of the story? He could hear people saying that maybe he was the one. That maybe he would be the one to bring the Devil King's reign of terror to an end. It didn't seem possible. It didn't seem fair!

"Kazuma," Darkness was sitting across from him sipping at her drink. "Why are you so unhappy? It's been many years since one of the Devil King's generals tasted defeat. This is something to celebrate." Her cheeks tinged a bit. "In truth I wish I could have been there."

"In hopes of helping save the day or of being tied up and tortured?"

Her cheeks got darker and she fidgeted in her seat. "S… Still this is a great accomplishment. You should be happy about it."

"Sorry, not going to happen. If that waste of space is one of the saviors of the world then that only proves this world is doomed." He downed his ale and called for another.

He was waiting for it when the crowd around his table parted a certain blue haired female staggered over to his side.

"You! You're Kazuma! The (hic) shut in who dragged me here. Hey. Hey. Hey, how are you still alive, huh? I thought you'd be dead for sure without me there to save you all the time!"

He stared up at her. Everyone watching was amused and laughing. "When did you ever save me?!"

"You (hic) should be grateful shut in NEET!" She stuck a finger in his face. "Me being here is all your fault. You should say you're sorry! I want to hear you say you're sorry!"

He gave her a savage grin. "Yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever met you."

She gave a drunken nod and took another swig from the bottle of wine she was holding. "Good, I'm glad you're sorry." She then staggered away.

Kazuma sat there blinking. _Did I win that or did she? _

A fresh beer arrived, and he started drinking. About a minute later the crowd surrounding his table parted again. A figure in blue plate armor strode up to his table, swaying a little from side to side. He slammed a fist down and leaned over Kazuma.

"You! You're the guy who brought Aqua-sama here! It's because of you that she's suffering!"

Kazuma looked past him to where said idiot was dancing on top of the bar.

"You need to apologize for what you did!"

Kazuma grinned. _Well it worked once. _"Fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever met her."

Despite being a bit unsteady he appeared more aware of things than Aqua. He looked startled for a second. Then Kazuma felt Mitsurugi grab him by the collar and haul him up to his feet. "You scum!"

Everyone burst out laughing and cheered. If this were a school ground he was sure they would be chanting 'Fight! Fight! Fight!' No one was stepping in.

"Apologize for what you did!"

Kazuma grinned back. "Go and fuck yourself."

Then suddenly Darkness was standing there, looking as serious as an F on a report card. She grabbed Mitsurugi's wrist. "Let go of him." She didn't yell, but those words were not a request.

Kazuma could hear the crunch of metal and see the steel gauntlet start to crack.

Mitsurugi hurriedly let go and yanked his hand back. Darkness released him and took a step forward to get between him and Kazuma.

"Who are you? This has nothing to do with you! It's between me and this guy!"

"I am the crusader Darkness and Kazuma's partner. Anything that involves him involves me. You are being very rude right now and I think you should go."

From the crowd came a chorus of 'oooooohhhs.' Everyone was watching the sudden standoff. Mitsurugi rubbed his wrist and looked about at everyone staring. Kazuma knew there was no way he would back down with everyone watching.

"I'm not going anywhere until I get an apology from this pig for what he did to Aqua-sama."

"Then I guess you'll be taking up residence here because that's not happening."

"You heard him," Darkness said. "You are not getting an apology."

"I am." He took a step forward.

Darkness held her ground.

Mitsurugi shifted his eyes from her to Kazuma who was standing behind her. "Are you really going to just stand there and hide behind a woman?"

"Yep." Kazuma took a sip of his ale.

"You're a coward!"

And that was when Darkness punched him.

There was no warning. She just drew her fist back and clocked him square in the middle of his face. The great hero Mitsurugi, slayer of the Devil King General Beldia, was sent flying five feet. His nose was flattened and streaming blood. He landed completely unconscious.

"I apologize," Darkness gave his prostrate form a slight bow. "I don't believe in committing violence against fellow adventurers. But there is a limit to how much rudeness one can forgive."

There was a momentary silence as everyone stared. The one single voice cried out.

"Holy crap! Darkness managed to land a hit!"

More voices spoke.

"Did anyone have today?"

"Check the pool!"

"Damn it! I had it for two weeks ago!"

From behind the bar someone brought out a huge blackboard with dates and names scribbled on it. As this happened Darkness's face got very red.

Kazuma wasn't paying attention as something occurred to him. He set down his mug and grabbed the wooden chair he'd been sitting in until Mitsurugi messed with him. He set it down in front of Darkness.

"Oy, hit this."

"What?" She turned to him in confusion.

"I want to see you hit this chair."

She began to twist from side to side. "I see, you want to humiliate me even after I defended you. You truly are savage."

Kazuma sighed. "No. I just want to see if you can hit this chair."

She shrugged and put a hand on the hilt of her broadsword. "We'll have to go outside; it wouldn't be safe for me to start swinging my sword about in here."

Kazuma shook his head. "Not with a sword. I want you to punch it."

"Excuse me?"

"I want you to punch this chair as hard as you can."

She blinked. "Punching inanimate objects is not the sort of behavior a proper crusader should perform in public."

"Not a problem, you're not a proper crusader."

She gasped and hugged herself. "So cruel!"

Kazuma rubbed a hand across face. "Just punch the stupid chair already."

She shrugged and finally did as he asked. She connected and smashed the defenseless chair into kindling. As soon as he saw that Kazuma had a wide smile on his face.

People near the bar saw it too.

"Did anyone have money on her hitting a chair?"

"I do! I do!"


	11. Is it working?

"Kazuma! I can't believe you're trying to force this on me!" Darkness declared.

"What's the problem? It's for your own good and the good of the party too."

"I refuse!"

"Just try it! I'm sure it will be amazing," he leaned in grinning. "Don't you want to see what it's like?"

She shook her head violently. "Absolutely not!"

"Why not?"

"It would be humiliating!"

"… and that's a problem now?"

"This is not the kind of humiliation I like!"

XXX

**A Few Days Earlier**

The following morning Kazuma returned to the guild hall to gather information. Luna ended up being his primary source. The guild hall's manager was knowledgeable about almost everything about adventurers. While talking to him she was also nice enough to inform him that other than Mitsurugi and his party, no one was mad at him or Darkness. He'd seen himself that fights and brawls happened some times. The sense among adventurers was that people should be allowed to work out their own differences.

Also, just seeing Darkness beat up their new hero had been kind of funny. Who was going to be mad?

When Darkness showed up around lunch time Kazuma told her about what he'd found out.

"A monk?" Darkness's reaction was a look of confusion and stunned silence.

Kazuma explained. "That's right. They're a sub-class of fighter who specialize in unarmed combat and don't usually wear armor. I think it would be perfect for you."

"I know what monks are, Kazuma. Why are you suggesting I become one?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "Are you kidding? Isn't it obvious it's the ideal class for you? I mean, let's be honest here. As a crusader you suck. You don't need armor and you're worthless with a sword."

She gasped and twisted from side to side. "Y… You never show mercy, do you?"

"Please stop that," he looked around and felt embarrassed. "Look, I'm being serious here. You can't use a sword or any other weapon so far as I can tell, but you're brutally strong and can land punches. Monks can learn all sorts of specialized unarmed fighting skills and get bonuses. And since you're already a wall even without armor you wouldn't really lose anything by switching classes. It would suit you perfectly! What do you say?"

"I refuse!"

"Huh? Look, there's no penalty for changing your class, and all the defense skills you already have will transfer over. I mean you'll be a level one monk, but so what? You'll be tough as nails and able to smash things with one punch." He chuckled. "Maybe I'll even start calling you Saitama."

"What is a Saitama?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it."

"Kazuma, do you really expect me to go around in monk's robes fighting monsters and enemies with my bare hands?"

"Yes. There a problem with that?"

"I absolutely refuse!"

He could feel a vein start to throb in his forehead. "Is there a reason you don't want to do something that makes so much sense?"

Darkness glanced about to make sure no one was close. She then lowered her voice. "You're aware I'm the eldest daughter and heir of the Dustiness family?"

He nodded.

"We are one of this kingdom's great noble houses. As such we have a certain reputation to uphold. Those of us who serve the kingdom as warriors are expected to do so as either knights, paladins, or crusaders. Even though I prefer to keep my true identity hidden I am still a member of my house. To be seen in public fighting not with a sword in hand but by punching and stomping would be humiliating!"

Kazuma stood and stared at her. "Let me get this straight," he said with a flat voice. "You're fine with the idea of being tied up and tortured. But fighting monsters with your bare hands, _that's_ beneath you?"

"Yes, that is correct."

He smacked a hand to his face. _Are all the women in this world other than Chris allergic to common sense or something?_

XXX

Kazuma went to the weapons shop to get some upgrades. His long experience in RPGs had taught him it was important to constantly improve your equipment so as to be able to deal with stronger foes.

To begin with he got himself some chainmail with a minor enchantment on it to keep it from making and noise as he moved about. It was stronger than the leather armor he had now. Hoe could have actually afforded to buy full plate, but it was way too heavy to walk around in. Besides, given his skills he needed to remain as mobile as possible. The chainmail cost him 250,000 eris.

There was a real life katana available in the shop. Katanas in this world were rare and the cost on it was a whopping two million. He could afford it, but it was a lot. He put it through a couple practice swings and discovered it was kind of heavy for him. Kazuma also realized the katana was designed as a slashing weapon. His preferred method of attack for close combat was to sneak up from behind and use Backstab. The katana was the absolute wrong weapon for that. Instead he got a new short sword with magical enchantments that made it ever sharp and harder than ordinary forged iron. It was a bad ass sword and so he decided it deserved a bad ass name. He called his new sword, 'Excalibur.' Kazuma even paid to have the name seared into the weapon's hilt. He swore he would always keep it on him at all times. So everyone would know that Kazuma's special sword was called Excalibur, and that even if it wasn't big it was still awesome!

That cost him 700,000 eris.

He then got himself a new dagger. It had similar enchantments to his sword that would make it an ideal stabbing weapon. It cost him 400,000 eris.

Kazuma also bought a dozen more throwing knives. His experience with the bandits had shown him they were ideal in close combat when he didn't have time or room to grab his bow. He kept most of them in his belt but also got a couple special sheaths so he could hide one in each boot. All together they cost him 65,000 eris.

So upgrading his stuff wound up costing him 1,415,000 eris, or more than half of his share of the bounty on Black Tom. That was fine though. He still had plenty more money on account, and if it kept him alive it was the best possible investment.

As he was getting ready to leave something on one of the stands caught his eye.

XXX

**A Couple Days Later, Present Time**

"Happy birthday!" Kazuma handed Darkness a box with a big red bow on top of it.

"What is this?"

"Do you not celebrate birthdays by giving people gifts?"

"We do," she confirmed. "But, ah, my birthday isn't for another five months."

"I couldn't wait," he said with a big smile. He tapped the box in her hands. "Aren't you going to open it?"

She gave him a suspicious look, but opened the box up. Inside were a pair of metal gauntlets with a solid steel bar running across the knuckles. Bolted on the bar were four large metal studs. The gauntlets had a faint bluish aura to them.

"What are these?"

"A little something I picked up at the weapons shop. They're magical fighting gauntlets. They're designed to focus blunt force from any blow they deliver. I even paid to have them enchanted so they'll fit any size hand and never break no matter how much damage they take. They cost me five hundred thousand eris."

"You spent half a million eris on these?!" Darkness said in disbelief.

"That's right."

She narrowed her eyes. "Kazuma, I know what you are trying to do here! Since I refuse to become a monk you are trying to make me feel obligated to use these in combat."

Kazuma calmly looked back at her. "Is it working?"

"Kazuma! I can't believe you're trying to force this on me!" Darkness declared.

"What's the problem? It's for your own good and the good of the party too."

"I refuse!"

"Just try it! I'm sure it will be amazing," he leaned in grinning. "Don't you want to see what it's like?"

She shook her head violently. "Absolutely not!"

"Why not?"

"It would be humiliating!"

"… and that's a problem now?"

"This is not the kind of humiliation I like!" She held out the box with the gantlets in them

"I see," he said sadly. "Well, if you don't want them I guess I'll have to respect your decision." He accepted the box back from her. "You know, this was the very first gift I'd bought for anyone since coming here. I really hoped you would be happy about receiving it from me. But it's fine, I don't mind that you're rejecting my effort to show you my appreciation and friendship. And you don't need to worry that I can't return these because I had them enchanted just for you. So I am out five hundred thousand eris. But that was totally my decision, so you don't need to feel you any kind of obligation. I mean I just wanted to help you be the most powerful and effective fighter you could be, and make our team as strong as it could be. I guess I was being selfish, I apologize." He gave a long heartfelt sigh. "It's okay, this is not the first time I've had a girl reject me when I just wanted to show her I cared about her and her safety."

Darkness stood there with her lips turned down looking more miserable with every sentence.

"You are deliberately trying to make me feel guilty for not accepting these."

He stared back at her. "Is it working?"

XXX

Kazuma and Darkness were standing in front of the quest board. After Beldia's destruction all the minor monsters that had gone into hiding had returned with a vengeance. The board was filled with low level quests to exterminate these weak monsters. Kazuma was looking them over trying to decide which was the best one for them. Beside him Darkness was shifting her weight from one foot to the other and rubbing her hands together. On them were a new pair of enchanted gauntlets.

"Just because I accepted them does not mean I intend to become a brawler. I am still a crusader and my primary weapon is my sword."

"Got it."

"At best, at best! They'd be a weapon of last resort."

"Sure."

"I especially won't start using them where people can see! It would be humiliating!"

Kazuma looked over at her. "And you'd _hate_ that wouldn't you?"

Her cheeks blushed and her eyes avoided his. "There are different kinds of humiliation."

"So, does that mean if we're fighting some place without witnesses you'll use them?"

She opened her mouth, hesitated, closed it, and then opened it again. "I… I might depending on the situation."

"Good!" Kazuma reached up and tore down one of the notices from the board. "In that case let's take this job."

He showed it to her. It was a quest to eliminate a tribe of goblins that had moves into some nearby hills. The reward was 5.000 eris per goblin killed.

"This should be far enough out of the way for us to be out of sight."

She sighed and gave a non-committal wave of a hand. "I _might _use them; I don't promise I will."

"Sure thing," he said with a smile. "I mean why would you want to use something that will let you actually hit the enemy and do harm? Its fine if you just want to swing your sword around hitting nothing but air. I don't mind if you force me to do all the hard work on the quest. It's not as if I'd ever think you're not pulling your weight and you could do so much more as my partner and party member. I would never hold it against you, even if it meant you were putting me in unnecessary danger for no real reason."

She stared at him. "Kazuma, I know what you're trying to do!"

He gave her a wide smile. "Is it working?"


	12. Motivation

The guild had provided them a map designating where the goblins were. It was a cul de sac surrounded by hills. There was a single path to get there and the two of them were walking down it. Darkness was looking a bit glum.

"Okay, you're not actually mad about the gauntlets right? I did get them to help you know."

She rubbed her hands together. "It's not that. I do appreciate getting these as a gift Kazuma. As a partner and party member it makes me happy that you would do something like this for me. Though I'm still not sure about using them."

He shrugged. "You're an amazing tank, you can take almost anything. I can definitely use that. But if you can be a tank that can fight and not just be a target, well that's just perfect."

Her cheeks blushed. "S… So you want to use me."

"Of course that's what you would focus on," he sighed. It was kind of amazing he'd gotten so used to her by now. _Nobody's perfect, you have to take the good with the bad._

She was still ringing her hands. "I still don't know if I'll be able to do as you ask. Standing there and simply _brawling_?" She shook her head. "It's hard to imagine anything less chivalric than that."

"How about telling people you'd enjoy a good beating?"

Darkness gave a loud gasp and hugged herself. "C… Cruel!"

Kazuma sighed, Getting used to this didn't mean he enjoyed it.

"You know, it's just," she chewed at her lip. "I'm not free, Kazuma. Not the way you and most of the other adventurers are. I have obligations. Things that are expected of me. Being who I am means I can never be totally free to be who I want to be."

"You ever sleep in a stable and wake up staring at a fresh pile of horse crap?"

Her jaw slipped. "Ah, no, I can't say that I have."

"Part of being free includes the freedom to starve or die in the street." Kazuma shrugged. "Nothing's ever perfect. Before I came here I spent all my time just playing games. I didn't have any responsibilities and I could do whatever I wanted. I'm sure a lot of people would have said that was a great life."

Darkness looked at him. "Was it not?"

"I'm just saying everyone has problems. Don't assume someone who doesn't have your problems has it perfect. It probably just means they have problems that you don't."

Darkness gave a slow, considerate nod. "Where are you from, Kazuma?"

"Why are you asking that all of a sudden?"

"I've always been curious, but I thought it would be rude to ask. Especially as I am protective of my own identity. You have an accent I've never heard before; your attitudes and beliefs are very unusual, especially where women are concerned, the things you ask some times are also surprising, it's very obvious you're a foreigner. Even your name is strange."

"Is it more or less strange than Megumin?"

She tapped her chin and thought about it for a moment. "About the same I'd say."

"Ouch, that hurts."

"So, where do you come from, Kazuma? I imagine it must be a very distant land."

He chuckled. "Yeah, you might say that. I'm from a country called Japan. It is very different from here."

"And does everyone there believe that men and women should be treated equally?"

"In theory yeah, in practice they still get treated a little differently. But it's a lot more equal than here."

"Are there many powerful monsters there? Or dark wizards who like to kidnap innocent maidens and do unspeakable things to them? Is everyone there as savage and cruel as you?" She was starting to hyperventilate.

He put both hands behind his head. "Oh, it's much worse than you could possibly imagine. If you're too smart, or too stupid, if you wear the wrong thing, or like the wrong person, everyone will suddenly turn on you and make you an outcast. People who you thought were your friends will betray you just to appease the crowd. If you don't fit in you can expect to be despised and mocked and your life is made a living hell."

"Really?!" Her face was flushed and she was panting.

He nodded. "That's not even the worst of it. Once a year we have a special holiday called Jiraiya Day. We gather together all the most beautiful women with large boobs and drag them to the city square. They get publicly stripped, tied down, and then spanked by perverted old men as crowds watch and cheer. Their families are given front row seats and forced to watch. And if the physical abuse weren't bad enough, as they're being spanked all their deepest darkest secrets are yelled out for the crowds to hear. The girls all end up crying and begging for mercy as every single person they know looks on at them in disgust and loathing."

She was shuddering and locked her knees together. Her breathing was so ragged the was afraid she was going to pass out. Darkness threw her head back and gave a cry that sounded like something straight out of a hentai game.

Kazuma stopped and his eyes when wide. _Did she just-_

She looked at him struggling to get her breathing back under control. "It all makes sense now! No wonder you're so savage and cruel! If that's the sort of society you come from it's no surprise you have no sense of mercy or decency!"

"Hey! I'm not that bad!"

"Kazuma!" She grabbed his arm and brought her face an inch away from his. "You must take me to your homeland! This Japan sounds like the most barbaric place in the world! We have to go!"

Having her so close after making that kind of noise was making his heart race. Kazuma tried to pull away but her grip was like a vice. "Uh, Japan is a really, really long way from here."

"I don't mind! I'll gladly travel there no matter how long it takes!"

"Well, getting there is sort of difficult. It's not like we can take a ship or follow a road."

"If you survived the journey I am sure I can too! It sounds too amazing! I want to go there no matter what."

"Fine, we can go, I'll take you. But only after we defeat the Devil King."

"What?" She let go of him.

Kazuma took a couple quick steps away from her. "Yeah, I haven't told you this, but my ultimate goal is to defeat the Devil King."

She stared. "It is?"

"That's right. Obviously that's a distant goal, right now I have to worry about getting stronger and just surviving. But my ultimate objective is to kill that guy."

Darkness calmed down and was giving him a very serious once over. "Do you truly mean it?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Is that because you hope to replace him and conquer the world yourself and begin a reign of savage tyranny?"

"What?! No! Of course not! I want to save everyone from him! Geez, Darkness what kind of guy do you think I am?"

She shrugged. "The sort who could look at the Devil King, the most wicked and evil creature in existence, and think he could do it better."

He gawked at her and wondered if he ought to work on his reputation. Why would anyone think something like that about him? "Anyway, I know I never brought it up but that is my long term goal. What do you think?"

"If you want to defeat the Devil King I will absolutely fight at your side!" She slammed a fist into a palm. "Since ancient times it has always been the duty of a female crusader to be his erotic plaything! I will not shirk this grave responsibility no matter how much I may suffer for it!"

_Why am I not surprised? _"Okay then. And once he's defeated we'll go to Japan to celebrate. I'll even take you to Tokyo Disneyland."

"What's that? Is it a place of debauchery and sin where people worship false idols and commit all sorts of self-indulgent and decadent acts in the name of vile, petty pleasures of the flesh?"

"Wow, it's like you've been there. They also have souvenirs and T shirts."

XXX

Following this interaction, they continued down the path towards the goblins. As they went Kazuma came to an abrupt stop and held put a hand.

"What is it?" Darkness asked.

"I sense an enemy coming towards us."

"Just one?"

"Yep."

"It's not a goblin then. They always travel in groups. It might be a strong monster." She looked eager.

"Well, it's an enemy so we need to kill it no matter what it is. Vanish." Kazuma disappeared. "Draw its attention and I'll take it out."

"Understood."

As Darkness stood in the middle of the road Kazuma took a spot a little ways off that gave him a clear view of the path up ahead. He took out his bow and nocked an arrow. Kazuma felt it approach. One of the drawbacks of his Detect Enemy ability was that there was no way to gauge how dangerous the enemy might be. What was coming could be a dragon or a goblin and his sense of it would remain exactly the same. He'd heard of an ability called Identify Enemy that would give you basic information such as race and an estimate of level. It was an advanced form of Detect Enemy, and because it was an advanced skill he couldn't acquire it.

Kazuma spotted it when it came around a bend. It was some kind of feline monster bigger than a lion. It was all black and had fangs coming out of its jaws like a saber tooth tiger. The instant it spotted Darkness it began sprinting towards her and growled. Darkness's reaction was an eager sigh.

Kazuma wasted no time pulling the string of his bow back. "Snipe!"

The arrow hit the monster, but in its shoulder, not in the eye where he was aiming. When he sued Snipe he could normally hit exactly where he wanted. Did he miss because it was moving too fast? He hurriedly nocked and drew back another arrow. "Snipe!"

He again hit the monster, but not where he wanted. The second arrow stuck out its side. The monster hadn't slowed down or given any sign it had even felt the arrows. It was too fast and he got no chance to draw a third arrow before it was on Darkness. It leapt onto her, sinking it's teeth deep into her shoulder.

Or trying to. There was an audible, 'chomp' but no blood and Darkness gave no sign of pain. He'd seen the swords of the bandits bounce off her and knew intellectually she would probably be fine. But when Kazuma saw a monster trying to devour her, memories came flooding back.

"Darkness!" He tossed his bow aside and drew out Excalibur. He activated his Backstab skill and ran towards her.

Kazuma jumped in and stabbed with all his strength into the monster's side. The point of the magical blade cut through its hide and suck in about six inches. The monster let go of Darkness and let loose and blood curdling roar! It twisted and swung around. One of its claws caught him and he was knocked to the ground before he could make it a killing blow. The sword remained planted in the beast's side. Kazuma hit the ground hard enough to lose his concentration and reappear. He stared up at the open jaws closing in on him.

"Kazuma!"

Darkness moved in a flash. She ran forward and punched the big cat right in the side of its head. There was a loud snap, and Kazuma saw its head twist around. The monster stumbled and fell over.

Kazuma scrambled to his feet grabbing his dagger as Darkness got between him and the beast. They waited for a couple heartbeats, but it didn't move. Just to make sure, Kazuma took his dagger and cut open its throat.

"Are you all right, Kazuma?"

"I'm fine, thanks to you. Are you okay? That thing tried to take a big bite out of you."

She grinned at him. "It would take more than that for a rookie killer to hurt me."

"Is that what this thing is called?" he grunted and pulled his sword free.

She nodded. "They're high end predators who like to prey on low level adventurers. They usually herd weak monsters like goblins or kobolds to use as bait."

"So the goblins brought here by this thing just to lure out a party?"

"Probably."

He grinned at her. "Too bad for him he got such a bad ass team, huh?"

She smiled back and then glanced down at her gauntlets. "You know, Kazuma. Maybe using these won't be so bad."

XXX

They continued on and wiped out a total of thirty goblins. With Kazuma sniping away as Darkness stood there completely invulnerable it hardly even qualified as a fight. When they returned to the guild and reported eliminating the rookie killer they were given a special 100,000 eris reward for it along with the 150,000 earned for the goblins.

Goblins were not worth much xp, so Kazuma did not gain any levels. Darkness however gained two and was now level ten. She also gained two new skill points. Kazuma suggested she apply them to Hand To Hand Combat, Grappling, Punching, or even Swordsmanship. When she instead used both to acquire Greater Parry he was a bit annoyed, but not really shocked.


	13. Wiz

"So, this is the place huh?" Kazuma said.

"That's right," Darkness answered. "If it exists I'm sure they'll have what you're looking for. Though your request is a bit strange."

"Is it? It seems to make perfect sense to me."

Kazuma opened the door to the shop and a little bell rang. It was a very neat and orderly place. The shelves were filled with bottles, jars, and other items. There was a hint of incense in the air that reminded Kazuma of oranges.

"Welcome to my shop honored customers!" The proprietor came out. She was a very pretty girl with long brown hair and huge titties. Kazuma thought she was in some sort of purple dress, but he wasn't sure as he had a hard time focusing on anything other than her massive rack. "My name is Wiz. How can I help you?"

"…"

"Ah, sir? Uhm, can I help you? Ah, sir?"

Darkness's cheeks blushed. "Kazuma, you're staring at her like a hungry wolf staring at a cornered rabbit. Please don't be so rude. If you must stare at woman's breasts so shamelessly, then please do that with me. I promise to endure it."

"W… Wha… What?" The poor owner was staring from one to the other.

Kazuma shook himself out of his daze. "Sorry about that. You're a very beautiful woman. Do you dress that way just to get attention?"

"W… What?"

"Such a beast," Darkness sighed happily.

"Uhm sorry, got a little distracted," Kazuma chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "My name is Kazuma and this is my partner Darkness. We're a party of adventurers. We were wondering if you might have some items we could use."

"Oh certainly!" Wiz replied and clasped her hands together. "We specialize in many items that are very useful on a quest! Please look around and feel free to ask me anything."

Kazuma glanced at her chest again, opened his mouth, but thought better of what he was about to say. "Thanks."

He wandered over to a shelf stocked with brightly colored bottles filled with liquids. He picked up a blue one to examine it more closely.

"Please be careful with that!" Wiz rushed to his side. "That one explodes if you open it!"

Kazuma hurriedly and carefully put it back on the shelf. "Why would anyone buy something like this?"

Wiz looked embarrassed. "Ah, well, actually I haven't sold any yet. But I just know there's a market for it."

"Uh huh," he pointed to the bottle next to it. "What about this one?"

"Oh, that explodes if you shake it too hard."

Kazuma made sure not to touch it. "And this one?"

"That explodes if it gets too warm."

"This one?"

"That will explode if it gets too cold."

He took a couple careful steps back from the shelf and stared at the woman. "Is this a magic shop or bomb factory? Does everything you sell here explode?"

"No, of course not! That's just the shelf where I keep all the explosive items."

"Then why don't you have a warning sign next to it? Better yet, why don't you keep these behind the counter in case someone actually asks for them?"

"Ah, well…" she looked embarrassed and was playing with her hands.

_Another pretty girl allergic to common sense_, he thought.

"What's this?" Darkness was holding a small jar with the image of a snarling monster on it.

"Oh! That's a very handy item that will attract every monster in an area and cause them to attack the bearer."

"What kind of idiot would want something like that?!" Kazuma demanded.

"Does that include powerful and dangerous monsters?" Darkness asked.

"Yes, it does."

"I'll take three!"

"Of course," Kazuma muttered. "Oy! Darkness! No using that unless I say so! Got it?"

She immediately nodded. "Understood."

Since joining up Kazuma noted that she was surprisingly obedient. She almost always did whatever he said immediately and without question. As a partner she was the exact opposite of the lazy idiot. _Then again_, he thought. _Given her tastes it only makes sense she is pretty submissive. _A thought suddenly occurred to him. _Wait! Does that mean she kind of sees me as her 'master?' _Now that had some interesting implications. He shook his head. He wasn't ready to go down that particular road. Yet.

Kazuma strolled over to another shelf and saw a jar with the image of a monster crying.

"What's this? Does it blow up if you breathe on it?"

"Ah, that will cause any monsters in the area to avoid you."

"I'll take a dozen!"

"Wonderful!"

Darkness looked at him frowning. "Kazuma, we're adventurers. Why would we want to keep monsters away?"

"I'd like to be able to sleep at night if we're camped out. It might also be helpful if we're in a dangerous spot."

Darkness continued to frown but didn't argue. Kazuma would have liked to believe she saw the obvious logic in what he was saying. But he suspected it was her being submissive. _What would happen if I told her to strip off her armor and do a hundred jumping jacks?_

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" Wiz asked as she cheerfully gathered jars on the counter.

"Yeah, actually the reason I came here was to ask if you'd ever heard of gasoline."

Wiz blinked and tilted her head. "Gas-o-line? I'm very sorry, I'm not familiar with that."

"It's a clear liquid made from black oil. It burns and can also explode."

"It sounds very dangerous. Why would I keep something like that in my shop?"

Kazuma looked back over his shoulder at the shelf filled with unmarked explosives. "Look, you do have oil in this world, right? Petroleum? Black oil that comes up out of the ground?"

Wiz nodded. "We do. But I am very sorry, I have never heard of this gasoline material."

Kazuma frowned. It wasn't like he knew anything about science or chemistry. He knew gasoline came from oil, but that was the limit of his knowledge. It probably required some sort of complex process that hadn't been invented yet. This world had medieval level technology after all. They could use magic to do something that matched modern technology; like say flight or long distance communications. But you couldn't expect them to have things that existed in the modern world.

"Okay, so you don't have gasoline, but you do have oil. That could still be useful. So what do you use oil for in this world?"

Wiz tilted her head to the side. "This world?"

"That is just something he says sometimes," Darkness said. "He comes from a very barbaric land with horrifying but wonderful customs. I'm sure it's a common saying there."

"Ah, well black oil is mainly used for making torches or lamp oil, you know kerosene."

"Wait! You've got kerosene in this world?!"

She blinked. "Ah, yes."

"Why didn't you say so when I asked about gasoline?"

Wiz stood there looking confused. "Ah, why would I?"

"She has a point, Kazuma." Darkness said. "Everyone knows what kerosene is. If you wanted lamp oil you should have asked for it."

He sighed and put a hand to his face. It was annoying stumbling over what was and wasn't common knowledge here. "Never mind. I want to buy kerosene. Do you have any?"

"Certainly! If you are interested I also have a couple cute lamps for sale too. One is made of brass and-"

"I don't want them in lamps." He picked up on of the clay jars with the monster repelling potion. It was about the size of a coffee can and had a screw on top so no liquid came out until you opened it. "Pour it into jars like this and I'll take a dozen."

"But where will you put the wick?"

He shook his head. "I'm not going to use it as a lamp. I'm going to throw these things at enemies and then light them up with Flame Arrow."

"Ah, I see, that's an… interesting idea." Wiz said looking and sounding uncertain. "I've never heard of anyone using lamp oil that way."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Wouldn't it be more effective just to use the Fireball spell?"

"Yep, I'm sure it would. The problem is I'm an Adventurer not a Wizard. So learning an advanced spell like Fireball isn't an option. But if I can douse an enemy with Kerosene and light them with Fire Arrow I can get the same effect."

"I see," Wiz gave him a wide and beautiful smile. "That's actually very clever. I have some empty jars. Let me make them for you. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Do you ever give customers lap pillows?"

"W… What?" Her face blushed. He thought it was from honest embarrassment rather than sheer masochism like a certain crusader.

"So shameless," Darkness sighed.

XXX

Loaded down with jars filled with monster attractor, monster repeller, and kerosene the two of them headed back.

"Kazuma?"

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"Did you get kind of a weird feeling from that store owner?"

"You mean that she's a little insane? Sure did. But I'm getting more and more used to it."

"No, no, I mean, did you get a sense that there was something… unnatural about her?"

"Huh?" He glanced over at Darkness.

"I mean, well, I had a strange sense that she was not what she appeared to be. That she was somehow an undead abomination. An impure creature that should not walk among the living."

Kazuma came to a stop and so did his partner. "Undead? Seriously? You think Wiz is undead?"

Darkness rubbed her chin. "I am not certain, but it was a feeling."

Kazuma sighed. "Are you an idiot? She jiggled, Darkness! The undead don't jiggle! You really are a moron sometimes."

Darkness let a shudder run through her. "S… Sorry, I guess I was wrong."

He nodded and started walking again. "If Wiz is an undead then I'm a sadist who likes tying up women."

Darkness gasped. "Really?! I knew it!"

Kazuma ignored her and kept walking.


	14. A day in the life

About eight weeks had passed.

Winter had ended and the days were getting warmer and longer. The world around them was blossoming and becoming green. Kazuma and Darkness has not wasted time. They'd taken on lots of missions, and every one of them was successfully completed without significant injury. They had racked up loads of xp and cash, taking out low level monsters. The pattern was always the same, Darkness would be the target and draw them out to attack her. Kazuma would be vanished somewhere close by and begin sniping them. If the monster was especially strong or had a really thick hide he would take them out using Backstab or Darkness would cave their heads in. (Darkness actually didn't fight as much as she should have. She preferred to stand there and be mauled. She usually only got serious if Kazuma entered close combat. On those occasions though Darkness could become _very _serious and very lethal.)

For a time Kazuma had been a little concerned about putting Darkness in danger like this. But he soon came to realize that she was almost indestructible. Even on those rare occasions when her armor was damaged she would not have a scratch. After missions she would often complain about the lack of suffering even as she was swamped by enemies. Kazuma now had complete faith that his partner could survive being hit by an asteroid.

Since he was the one who did the majority of the killing he was now level twenty. He had picked up Freezing, Swordsmanship, Two Handed Fighting, and Far Seeing. He still had five slots he was keeping available until he could meet Chris again. He really trusted her and wanted to talk to her about thief skills. Darkness was only level fourteen. Her skill points had been used to acquired Supreme Parry. Kazuma had _really, really, really _tried to convince her to put them into an offensive skill. Even swordsmanship would have been okay, though he would have suggested either Punching or Unarmed Combat. Darkness though insisted that her duty as a crusader was to defend others and in order to do this she needed to be as tough as possible. He could appreciate her defensive strength better than anyone, but damnit there were limits! The concept of min maxing didn't exist in this world.

Still, no one in the guild saw Darkness as a joke anymore. With all their successful missions and all their kills both he and his partner were getting fierce reputations. Their party was viewed as one of the strongest operating out of Axel. Kazuma had even had a few low level people approach him about joining. Kazuma always shut them down. They were always in the single digits and wouldn't be able to contribute much. After all the crap he'd gone though, there was no way in hell he was letting some newbie ride on his and Darkness's coat tails.

While he missed Chris and wished she would come by the guild hall some time he was glad that the blue haired idiot and her tool were never there. Apparently they were traveling all across the kingdom fighting dragons and other powerful monsters. People were really starting to say that Mitsurugi might be the 'One.' That he might kill the Devil King and save the world. There were also rumors of a beautiful and wise archpriestess who travelled with him with almost godlike healing and turning powers. Kazuma could only assume that Aqua had been dumped and replaced as there was absolutely no way these rumors could be describing the lazy, whiney, blue haired moron.

Whenever he heard rumors about her or her tool he would always feel annoyed and upset. It just didn't make sense to him how they could be so successful and admired when they were such rotten people. In general though, Kazuma really liked his life. He had plenty of money, lived in a comfortable cottage, had plenty of friends within the guild, and got along really well with Darkness. Best of all he really loved being an adventurer. It was fun! Going out, facing danger, earning treasure, being the hero, it really was all the things he'd played games to try and feel.

Today was no different from most. He and Darkness were on a quest. A lake near Axel had become polluted and filled with alligators. With the weather warming up they were becoming more active. The guild was offering 20,000 eris per kill. The two of them went to the lake and waited on a nearby hill where Kazuma would have a clear line of sight.

The problem was nothing appeared.

They wasted most of the morning, but no alligators came out of the lake. "Well this sucks," Kazuma was absent mindedly flipping one of his daggers in the air and catching it. "I hate lazy monsters who won't even come out to get killed. Kind of rude if you think about it."

"Kazuma."

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"I have an idea!" Darkness reached into her backpack and pulled out a clay jar with an angry monster on it. "You never let me use this, but don't you think now would be a good time to try it?"

He was not surprised to see her excited at the idea of being attacked by a horde of alligators. "Would that even do any good? They're underwater. It's not like they'll be able to smell it even if you do put it on."

"If that's true then there's nothing to lose by trying it is there?"

Kazuma thought about it and really couldn't dispute her logic. It worried him when things Darkness said made sense. He looked about. They were on a small hill about a hundred yards from the brackish and slimy lake. The land was pretty barren. There was no way there were any other monsters hiding nearby, and their vantage point let him see for a couple miles in every direction. And just standing around wasn't accomplishing anything. He didn't want to head back come sunset having accomplished nothing, just to tramp back out here to do it all again tomorrow.

He sighed and shrugged. "Fine, but don't go overboard. Use just a little okay?"

"Understood!" She quickly screwed off the top and then splashed some right in her face. The liquid was like greyish water and didn't stain. But the second the jar was opened it stank of rotten meat and eggs. It was foul!

Kazuma covered his nose and yelled at her. "Oy! I said use a little!"

"I did. It was just one splash."

"I meant a drop or two! You didn't-" Kazuma cut off as his Detect Enemy ability suddenly went crazy. He picked up around thirty enemies in the lake starting to head for them. "Oh crap!"

"Does your being angry mean it's working? It does, doesn't it?!"

"There are like thirty of them coming! Don't look so happy! Vanish." Kazuma grabbed his bow and nocked an arrow.

The alligators were huge! They had to be ten to twenty feet long. They swam out of the water and climbed onto dry land. All of them made straight for the hilltop where he and Darnkness were. They had all been in the lake where they could not possible have smelled the rancid concoction. There had to be some sort of magical element to it that effected all monsters in a given range, even if they weren't able to physically smell it. In any case Kazuma didn't have time to waste.

"Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe!"

Luckily, the alligators weren't fast. They moved at what was a brisk walking pace. Also, the ones in front were getting in the way of the ones behind. So Kazuma had plenty of time to shoot them before they could cover the distance to the hilltop.

But there was a problem.

Their hides were thick, and his arrows were bouncing off. The only weak spots were the eyes. When hit one there the monster would convulse and drop. Using Snipe his luck effectively made him a marksman, but even he could not hit an eye at such a distance on every shot. By the time he ran out of arrows he'd gotten ten though, and they were about halfway across with fifty more yards to go. As he was desperately trying to kill gators with his bow Darkness was calling to them.

"I'm not afraid of you! Come beasts try and have your way with me! I'll resist no matter what horrors you try and inflict! I am not scared in the least!"

"Stop encouraging the alligators!" Kazuma tossed his bow and now empty quiver aside and hurriedly opened up his backpack. He pulled out five clay jars marked with flames. He was going to have to go back to Wiz's shop to get more. He'd used this trick a lot.

"Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe!" His ability worked on jars just as well as on throwing knives. He hit five different gators that were spread out. He saw the contents of the jar splash not only over them but on their neighbors too. Perfect. "Flame Arrow! Flame Arrow! Flame Arrow!"

Three times a marble sized ball of fire materialized in his had and then shot out to hit a different target. Each time it struck, not only the alligator hit, but those who'd also been splashed with kerosene burst into flame. The fires caught and spread, burning hot. Fifteen of the throng twisted about trying to somehow put out the flames before giving up and burning to death. That left five to continue climbing up the hill. Despite seeing all their companions getting killed these last five never hesitated. They were completely focused on reaching Darkness and the source of the stink.

Kazuma grabbed his throwing knives. He had lots of experience with his ability and knew that the closer he was to a target and the slower it moved the deadlier he became. He stood in front of Darkness with no fear. "Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe! Snipe!"

He got every single one right in the eye. With that it was over. Kazuma could breathe again, which he regretted as he could notice the stink more clearly now that he was no longer fighting for his life. He reappeared and turned to his partner. She finally stopped her insane yells and looked at all the dead and charred gators.

"Is it over? None of them even reached me. How disappointing."

Kazuma promptly walked over and smacked her on top of the head as hard as he could. "Take a bath, you stink to high heaven!"

Hearing him say that she gasped and hugged herself.

XXX

They returned to the guild and split 600,000 eris. With the gators now gone the guild would make an even greater effort to find someone to purify the lake. That wasn't Kazuma's worry though. Having gotten their reward, the two of them sat down to a nice meal of deep fried alligator meat. It tasted a little like toad. As they ate they had a conversation.

"We need to fight stronger monsters."

"No," Kazuma answered immediately. This was not a new discussion between them. Darkness always wanted to fight more dangerous monsters. The more insanely powerful the better. "We're not that strong yet. I've seen what happens when a party faces something that's too much for them to handle."

"But the monsters we fight now aren't even a challenge! Today's mission was hardly exciting at all."

He narrowed his eyes. "Do I need to slap you right here in the middle of the guild hall?"

Her cheeks reddened. "W… Why are you always so savage when we talk about this?"

He shrugged. "Stupidity brings out the worst in me."

She gave a gasp before settling down to continue. "W… We are a strong party now. I've heard a few people complaining that we're taking jobs away from weaker teams that need them."

Kazuma frowned. "Yeah, I've been hearing a little of that too. Nothing serious, but a couple people making jokes about us going to hunt goblins because we're bored. Luna had kind of hinted that the guild would like us to take care of more difficult jobs."

Darkness gave an eager nod. "It only makes sense for the stronger parties to deal with problems that are closer to their level. They shouldn't waste time with monsters that are no threat at all."

He felt the urge to smack her again. "You think thirty alligators are no big deal?"

"Kazuma, you killed all thirty and got all the experience for them. Did you gain a level?"

He blinked. In all the excitement he'd forgotten about that. "No, I didn't."

"About how far are you from level twenty-one?"

He had to pull his card out to check. "Hmmm, I'm only about a third of the way there."

"The higher your level the more xp that is required to progress. If we keep focusing on weak foes it will take you longer and longer to make progress. Do you really want to keep going on missions without gaining anything from them?"

Kazuma sat back and thought about it. He'd freaked out at suddenly being attacked by thirty alligators. It had certainly seemed dangerous at the time. But looking at it in hindsight, he dealt with all of them without a single one ever getting close enough to snap its jaws in his face. If things had somehow gone worse they could have easily run away. In retrospect, had it actually been easy?

In an RPG the fun of it was to constantly explore new areas and face stronger enemies while reaping greater rewards. Did they really need to keep grinding goblins and skeletons? The one time he'd faced a truly powerful monster it had been the worst day of his life. He'd just naturally wanted to stick to low level safe missions, that was only common sense when it was real life and one mistake could end you. When Darkness tried to argue for fighting more dangerous monsters it was easy to ignore her demands as the ravings of a crazy masochist. But did she maybe have a point? Luna seemed relatively sane and she was suggesting the same thing. Were he and Darkness rally supposed to just grind low level monsters forever?

"Kazuma?"

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"You haven't said anything in a while. What are you thinking?"

"Hmmm, well, I suppose we can at least consider something a little more challenging."

"Wonderful! There's a black dragon who demands sacrifices of innocent maidens. I'll go in as a sacrifice and distract him. Then as he begins chewing on me you can rush in and-"

Bam!

She winced at him hitting her on the top of her head.

They finished their meal and went over to the board to see what was available.

XXX

There was a quest to kill a manticore and griffin who were fighting one another. There was another to exterminate a pack of dire wolves who were endangering nearby farms. There was a cyclops living in a cave that was ambushing travelers. Kazuma was looking all of these over and considering them when Darkness snatched a notice off the board.

"Here! This would be perfect for us!"

"If it's about a dragon I swear I am slapping you until you cry."

She hugged herself. "S… So cruel. But no, it doesn't involve a dragon, Take a look."

Kazuma reluctantly took the notice from her. On it was a drawing of what looked like a worm whose front and tail were nothing but a mass of sharp teeth.

A Giant Sand Wyrm has started a feeding frenzy

Must be killed by any means

Reward: 10,000,000 eris

Kazuma gave a low whistle. "Okay, that's a pretty decent reward. But if they're offering that much it must be really dangerous."

She nodded excitedly. "Most of the time they stay underground and don't bother anyone but miners. But when they're about to lay eggs they get into a feeding frenzy and will attack and eat anything on the surface that is near them. Also, when they lay eggs they will usually lay twenty to sixty. And the larvae will also savagely attack the surface once they hatch. So killing this before it can procreate is a big priority."

Kazuma studied the picture. "How big is this thing and how hard is it to kill?"

"The adults are from sixty to two hundred yards in length. Their hides are very thick and tough, about as strong as plate armor. They have no eyes and no obvious weak points. They can regenerate and live even if cut in half. The only sure way to kill them is to either blow them up or burn them to ash. They can also burrow into the ground to escape with ease. So the big challenge is keeping them on the surface long enough to kill."

"Nope!" He shoved the notice back into her hands.

"Why not?" She sounded disappointed.

"You want us to fight something with no eyes or weak points, that is as tough as a knight's armor, can tunnel beneath us as it pleases, and you have to ask why not?!"

"This monster attacks and kills anything on the surface in its area, including farmers and helpless travelers. Even worse, if nothing is done then about a year from now twenty to sixty larval Sand Wyrms will come bursting out of the ground without warning and scour the land like locusts! As a crusader I can't stand by and do nothing while innocent lives are at stake!"

Kazuma rolled his eyes at her. "You're hoping to get swallowed by this thing and pooped out, aren't you?"

Her face turned a bright crimson and she began waving her hands in a desperate denial. "N… N… No! H… How… c… could you e… even think that of m… me!"

"Oh well I'm convinced."

She shook her head and composed herself. "Whatever you think of my motives this is still an important job that needs to be done to save innocent people! Plus, the reward is ten million eris. We should do this."

He paused. He hated to admit it, but she did have a point. There were lives at stake and killing a monster like this was definitely something a hero should do. But…

"Okay, even if I agreed with you, and that's a big if, how could we kill this thing? My Snipe and Backstab abilities work by hitting critical points, not by inflicting tons of damage. If this thing doesn't have eyes or anything else to aim for I won't be able to kill it. Do you think you can punch something that size to death?"

"I'm sure you'll come up with, Kazuma! You always do!"

"I appreciate the faith in me, but there are limits to what I can scheme up." As he thought about it he saw Megumin over with the other waitresses.

He smiled.


	15. A girl called Megumin

Kazuma and Darkness grabbed a table. He then waved over towards the bar where the waitresses were. "Yo, explosion loli, a little service?"

The girl looked annoyed but came over. "What can I get you?"

Grinning, Kazuma leaned back in his chair and deepened his voice. It wasn't often he got the chance to deliver a really cool line.

"How would you like to join us on an adventure?"

The girl's eyes widened as she gave an instant response. "I refuse!"

"Huh? Wha- whoa!" Startled Kazuma had straightened, causing his chair to fall backwards with him in it. He hit the floor with a loud 'bam'. Most of those present burst out laughing. Megumin's snorts were as loud as anyone's.

Kazuma quickly got back to his feet and stared daggers at the girl. "What do you mean you refuse?"

"What do you think I mean? If you're asking me to go on an adventure with you it can only mean one thing. You're just hoping for an excuse to stare at my panties aren't you?"

"What?! I'm not that sort of guy! And if I were there's no way I'd be interested in a middle schooler's like yours! I'll bet they have little stars and kitty cats on them."

Her face reddened and she grabbed the hem of her uniform forcing it down as if to make extra sure to deny Kazuma so much as a single peek. "What my panties look like are none of your business! Now do you want to order something or not?"

"Megumin," Darkness spoke. "I can understand your concern since Kazuma is a ruthless beast who won't hesitate to abuse a woman's chastity."

"Hey! What are you saying?!"

Darkness looked at him in surprise. "What? We both know it's true." As Kazuma sputtered trying to reply she turned back to Megumin. "He is being serious though. We really would like to hire you for an adventure."

"Really?" She sounded suspicious.

Kazuma gave an exasperated sigh and crossed his arms. "Yeah, though I'm already starting to think it's a bad idea."

Megumin appeared dazed, then suddenly planted her hands on her hips and threw her head back. "Heh, heh, heh of course you've come begging for my assistance! It was inevitable you would seek out my immense power in hopes of adding it your own!" She began gesturing wildly with both hands. "Beware though! The power you seek comes at great cost! Do you truly dare to align yourself with the elemental forces of destruction? Are you prepared for what it will demand of you? Are you truly worthy of joining with one such as I?"

Kazuma stood there a moment staring at her as she held her hands out in a dramatic pose. "Yeah, I was just screwing with you, explosion loli. Bring us a couple ales and some spiced potatoes."

Her jaw dropped and she looked comically stunned.

Darkness sighed. "Kazuma, please?"

"Tch, fine," he straightened his chair and sat next to Darkness. "Listen, explosion loli, I'm serious about hiring you. You interested? Try to answer like a normal human being and not like a drama major at try outs." 

Her mouth twisted and she glared at him. "Hey, if you want my help could you at least use my name! Stop calling me that! My name is Megumin greatest wizard of the Crimson Demon Clan! You'd do well to remember it!"

Kazuma smirked. "Oh yeah? So, what does the second most powerful wizard in your clan do? Stable boy? Pig tender? Privy cleaner?"

Her cheeks darkened and she looked annoyed.

"Do you still want to be an adventurer or is waitressing your new career path?"

"Of course I'm an adventurer! I'm an archwizard! One of the most advanced and respected classes!"

He grinned and looked her over from head to toe. She was of course in her waitress uniform. "Sorry, I should have recognized you in your wizard robes, my mistake."

"Why are you always such a jerk?!"

He shrugged. "I'm only ever a jerk to the people who annoy me or deserve it. You just happen to fall into both categories."

"If I had my staff right now I'd blow you up!"

"Well you'd sort of have to wouldn't you? It's not like you know any other spells."

She glared at him so furiously he half expected to spontaneously combust.

Darkness coughed into her hand and gave him a pleading look.

He sighed and put a hand up. "Okay, let's call a truce here, Megumin. I am interested in hiring you as a freelancer. We want to take this quest and your power would come in really handy." He took out the notice and placed it down on the table.

Megumin came over to look at it. "Sand Wyrm? Heh, I can see why you'd need the power of explosion to deal with it. Without my help this would probably be completely impossible for you." She gave him a smug grin.

"That's true," he admitted. "So if you say no we'll take the quest to exterminate a pack of dire wolves instead."

"No! I… I mean I'd be willing to work with you. I'd have to take time off from my job though, so… how much would my share be?"

Kazuma didn't know exactly how much the wait staff at the guild made, but he guessed it would be comparable to construction. If so it wasn't much. Plus, he'd overheard her and the other waitresses complain plenty about their pay. He could also hear a twinge of desperation when she asked about her share. His initial instinct was to offer her one tenth of the reward, one million eris. He was willing to bet that was more than she'd make waitressing half a year. And it wasn't as though she had better options. He was sure she would accept.

But despite what some people might think, Kazuma wasn't that bad of a person. He believed that if someone shared the danger and work equally they deserved to share in the reward, whether they were permanent or temporary party members. He still remembered that Roland had offered him an equal share and the others had agreed to it. If someone was ready to risk their lives for you the least you owed them was fair treatment.

"If we complete the quest you get a full and equal share," he saw her face light up and continued with a sharp tone. "BUT there are a couple conditions you need to agree to. If you can't or won't we'll forget this."

She gulped and looked worried. "I'm listening."

"First off, you will absolutely **not **use explosion without my say so. I've seen how dangerous it is, and to be honest, I don't trust the judgement of someone who'd rather beg in the streets than learn more magic. You don't cast it until I say so. You even think of using that spell without my permission I will pour out an entire jar of monster attractor and leave you to your fate. Got me?"

"Kazuma!" Darkness cried. "How can you be so cruel? Why would you offer to do that to her but not me?"

Megumin paled and her eyes widened. "Okay, I understand. I promise not to use it without your say so."

"Good. Second, as long as you're traveling with us you do as I say. You don't get a vote in anything. We set out when I say, we camp when I say, we fight when I say, and we run when I say. If I tell you to do something you do it! No back talk no arguments. When we're in the field I am God so far as you're concerned."

Megumin gaped and turned to Darkness. "Is he really this much of an asshole?"

Darkness gave a contented nod. "He is a ruthless savage who always gets his way."

"I don't do it to just get my way," he said annoyed. "I do it because I'm the only one with any common sense."

"Fine, I'll do what you say, but I want to add a condition of my own."

"Oh?"

"While we're party members I want you to call me by my name. Don't call me explosion loli. I am the archwizard Megumin, greatest of the Crimson Demon Clan! Soon to be slayer of a mighty Sand Wyrm! At least while we're traveling together treat me with a little respect!"

Kazuma chuckled. "You know what? I guess that's fair." He held out his hand to her. "Welcome to the team, Megumin."

"Thank you!" She happily shook his hand.

"I welcome you as well and promise to keep you safe even at the risk of my life and dignity." Darkness extended her hand and they shook as well.

"You won't regret this," Megumin promised. "I definitely won't let you down."

"I don't doubt it," Kazuma said. "Please meet us at the main gate tomorrow by dawn and pack everything you need for a journey."

"Right."

"Now then, why don't you get us those two ales and bowl of spiced potatoes? And make it snappy, explosion loli."

Her jaw dropped and she glared at him. "Hey! We just agreed that you wouldn't call me that!"

"Yeah," he said with a mocking smile. "But only while we're on the road. Until then you're still a waitress and I'm a paying customer. Now get to it grade schooler." He snapped his fingers at her.

"So humiliating," Darkness sighed happily.

Megumin glowered at him but did as she was told and brought out the drinks and a bowl of potatoes.

She also spat into his ale without Kazuma noticing.


	16. Sand Wyrm

They were headed to a little farming village called Peabody that was at the very heart of nowhere. It would be a two day trip to get there. The first day's travel was actually very pleasant. For the first time in months Kazuma saw Megumin in her red and brown wizard robes instead of in a waitress uniform. She had her staff and hat and even had the stupid eyepatch again.

"Why are you wearing that?" Kazuma asked.

"Heh, heh, heh I dare not remove it or a terrible catastrophe would take place!" With a hand she formed a 'V' in front of the eyepatch.

Kazuma gave her a blank stare. Then grabbed the eyepatch and yanked it out before letting it snap back into her eye.

She ditched the eyepatch after that.

Despite the bit of stupidity the journey was pretty enjoyable. It was a warm spring day and there was not a cloud in the sky. Having gone on so many quests with Darkness he'd gotten used to traveling with a heavy backpack and didn't mind it. Megumin was really enjoying it.

"I've missed going through the countryside. I haven't been outside of Axel since the cabbage harvest."

"Why not?" Kazuma asked. "If you wanted to go out no one was stopping you."

"Most days I have to work twelve hours and I'm too exhausted to so anything but eat and then sleep. When I do have a day off I usually have laundry, shopping, and a ton of other errands to do. Besides," she gave a heartfelt sigh. "I can't really use Explosion if I can't get someone to take me back afterwards. If I can't use Explosion I really don't have a reason to go outside the city walls."

"Okay, you do realize that if you would just learn a few other spells you could pick any party in the guild and they'd want you."

"I refuse! I will never debase myself by learning any spell besides my beloved Explosion! Anything less won't satisfy me. As the greatest wizard of the Crimson Demon Clan I refuse to let anyone see me casting an inferior magic and so damage my reputation!"

Darkness slapped her hands together. "I admire your devotion to the thing you love! No matter how difficult it may be or what opinions others may hold, I believe a person should follow their passion no matter what!" She gave Megumin an enthusiastic thumbs up, which the girl returned.

Kazuma felt a vein start to throb in his forehead. "Please don't encourage her."

As it started to get dark they made camp. Kazuma caught some fish in a nearby creek. He took one of the monster repellent jars and opened it. There was no need to splash it on anyone, it worked fine just being left out like an air freshener. It would keep monsters away for roughly eight hours. It smelled like oranges and dandelions. Kazuma also always kept his Detect Enemy ability active in passive mode. So if anything did approach them during the night he would wake up. As he was tending the fire and getting ready to sleep Megumin approached him.

"Ah, Kazuma?"

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"We're all going to sleep for the night, right? We won't be doing anything until morning, right?"

Kazuma looked at her. The girl's face was flushed and she twitched nervously. He considered the situation and understood what was happening. He reached out and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and spoke in a soft and tender voice.

"Megumin, I know what you're about to ask me. I can see how eager you are, but I'm sorry, my answer has to be no."

"B… But why? Wouldn't it be okay? Just this one time? Please? I'll beg if you want me to! I just mmph-"

He placed a finger on her lips to cut her off. "Megumin, I'm flattered that you want me to make you a woman and bring you into the world of adults. I can understand your attraction. Me being a successful adventurer and you being a lowly waitress. You want me to make sweet, sweet love to you beneath the stars. I truly am flattered, but it can never be, I ow ow ow!"

She bit down on the finger he was using to shush her. He yanked it out of her mouth and could see teeth marks.

"As if I'd ever give my precious virginity to a jerk face like you!"

He backed up away from her. Darkness was sitting by the fire watching this with an amused smile on her face.

"Then what were you asking about?"

"I just wanted to cast Explosion before we all go to bed! Since you're not going to need me to use it there's no reason not to, right?"

"Oh, I see." Kazuma was still shaking his finger and felt a little disappointed. "The answer's no."

"What?! But why not?"

"Loud noises attract monsters. There's no reason for us to get the attention on every living thing in the area just so you can have your jollies."

She stabbed a finger at the clay jar. "But that'll keep the monsters away won't it?"

"Yeah, but there's no need to borrow trouble."

"You don't understand, I _have _to cast Explosion or I'll die!"

He narrowed his eyes and placed his hands on his hips. "You'll die, huh?"

She nodded vigorously. "That's right! Crimson Demon Clan wizards suffer from a terrible curse! If we don't cast Explosion every single day we fall over dead! Do you want me to die, Kazuma? Do you want to be responsible for that?"

He smacked a palm into his face. "Are you like a compulsive liar on top of being a moron? You told me just today you haven't been outside of Axel for months. Which means you haven't cast Explosion in months."

She stood there fidgeting. "Ah, I've held on this long through an extreme act of will, but I'm at my limit."

"You sure that's what you want to go with? If you said you were being possessed by an evil spirit there's more chance I'd believe you."

All at once Megumin began waving her arms about and swaying from side to side. "Oh no," she gasped. "I'm being possessed by an evil spirit and it says it won't leave my body until I blow something up to appease it. What do I do, Kazuma?"

"…"

"Ah, Kazuma?"

"…"

"Ah, Kazuma? What do you want me to do about this evil spirit?"

"You know what? Screw it, knock yourself out."

"Really?! I can cast Explosion?!"

"Sure, why not?"

She lifted her staff and began casting before he could change his mind. "Oh anarchy! Oh primal chaos! Heed my call! Let loose the forces of destruction and call down the fires of heaven! Exploooooosion!"

Kazuma stood there and watched as a nearby section of forest was ripped apart and swallowed up in a massive fireball. He felt the earth shake and a hot wind blow past. He had to admit, to himself if not to her, it was damn impressive.

Thump!

He turned around and was not surprised to her lying face down in the grass.

"Ah, that felt amazing."

"Has the evil spirit gone bye-bye? You okay now?"

She chuckled. "Yes, I'm fine. Everything is perfect."

"Glad to hear it." He began walking back to the campfire.

"Ah, Kazuma? I can't move. Could you carry me to my blankets?"

"Nope. Have a good night."

As he got ready to sleep Darkness was grinning at him. "You know Kazuma, I think you have the most well-honed sense of cruelty I have ever seen."

"Thanks. Good night."

"Good night."

XXX

The following day they reached Peabody in the early afternoon. They crossed a bridge over a small river and then walked along its banks a couple miles until they arrived at the place that had been Peabody. It had been a rustic place where no more than five hundred people or so had lived. Now it was a lifeless ruin. There was not a single building left standing. Every house and structure was smashed and there were broken bits of stone and timber scattered everywhere. There were also about a dozen gaping circular hole in the ground. Kazuma went to one and stared down. He couldn't see the bottom.

The creepiest thing was that the place was silent. Other than the sound of the wind blowing it was still as a grave. Not only were there no people here, he didn't see so much as a cat or a dog anywhere.

"When they say, 'feeding frenzy' they aren't joking are they?" Kazuma sounded grim.

Darkness nodded. "This why the world needs crusaders. The strong need to defend the weak. There are many horrors in this world that only those with power can stand against. We have an obligation to fight for those too weak to fight for themselves."

Kazuma let out a low whistle and nodded. "Damn Darkness, that sounded really heroic." She smiled at him. "If I didn't know you were such a perv I'd probably admire you."

She let out a gasp. "So mean!"

Megumin stared and took a sidestep away from her. "Please don't be weird."

"_You_ don't get to say that," Kazuma said. "Okay, lets go over the plan one more time."

It was pretty simple and straightforward, but he wanted to make sure everyone knew what they had to do.

"Darkness, you'll be the one in the most danger. I have total faith you'll be okay. But if you want to back out that's fine. We can try and figure something else out."

"I refuse to show weakness! As a crusader I have no choice but to do my part and rid the world of this horror."

She was already breathing hard.

"Okay, but remember to try and _not _get swallowed. Got it?"

"Understood!"

"Megumin, you're with me. Darkness, I'll give you the signal as soon as we're a safe distance."

Darkness nodded. "Please wait until you can make certain to destroy the monster completely. Even if you hear crying out please hold out as long as possible to ensure the mission is successful."

"If you get killed I'll be mad at you." He tried to make it sound like a joke, but it didn't come out that way. Standing in the middle of this ruined and lifeless town it was hard to kid about someone dying. Especially given what she was about to do.

He and Megumin began to walk away. "How far is a safe distance?"

"About five hundred yards," she said instantly.

He just nodded. She would know her ability better than anyone after all. "Remember, you have to take out the whole thing in one shot. If a piece of it is still alive and can get away we fail."

"Got it. I won't let you down!"

"Yeah," he tried to sound sure of himself. He was thinking of a dark damp tunnel and could hear the sound of chewing and of flesh tearing.

They found a large pile of rubble at a safe distance and got behind it.

"Darkness! Do it!"

"Understood!" She eagerly opened a jar with an angry monster drawn on it. Without hesitation she emptied it out onto the top of her head.

For a few minutes nothing happened. Kazuma began to wonder if the monster was out of range, or it the potion didn't work on something underground.

Then through Detect Enemy he sensed a single foe coming from beneath his feet.

"Darkness! Get ready!"

He was too far away to see it, but he would bet there was a look of exultation on her face. As it got closer the ground began to shake. Then the ground right in front of Darkness fountained up and a giant brown monster rocketed out. It was taller than a three story building, and the head of it was nothing but a mass of long, sharp, spear like teeth.

"Here I am!" Darkness yelled up at it. "Do your worst!"

The mouth came down on top of her, its teeth snapping. He saw Darkness grab two of them and forces its jaws open.

"Megumin, do it!"

"It's not all the way out yet! If I don't wait for it to get all the way out of the ground I can't kill it."

He wanted to scream at her to do it before Darkness got swallowed. He clamped his jaw tight though. She was right. As Darkness struggled, more and more of the Sand Wyrm's body came squeezing out of the earth. Its body circled around Darkness, giving her no place to escape to. The monster's teeth were snapping, as Darkness struggled to hold them back.

Then he saw the tail come out and another set of teeth began to close in on her.

"Megumin! 

"Got it!" She raised her staff. "Forces of destruction show me the ultimate power! Bring my foe to ruin and doom! Exploooooosion!"

Six circles of magic formed above the monster and his partner. Then, in the next moment, everything was blasted apart.

XXX

When it was over Kazuma slung a limp Megumin onto his back and rushed to the crater that the spell had just been created. He was relieved to find an unconscious darkness at the bottom of it. Her armor was cracked and singed, but she herself was breathing and looked just fine. Best of all, there was nothing left of the monster.

"Heh, heh, see? I told you I wouldn't let you down. With me on your side nothing can go wrong!"

"Oy! Don't raise flags like that."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't say things like that to tempt fate."

She laughed. "I just killed a Sand Wyrm! What's there to be worried about now?"

That was when he felt Detect Enemy go crazy as a throng of enemies began approaching from underground. There were more signals than he could track. "Damn it! I told you!"

He hurriedly dropped Megumin so that he could toss Darkness over his right shoulder. He then picked her back up and put her over his left. He climbed out of the crater and began running to get away from whatever was coming.

That was when he saw some hairless, pinkish creatures popping out of the different holes that were in the town. They were each about the size of a large dog. As soon as they popped their heads out they started chasing after him.

"What the hell are those things?!"

"Naked mole rats," Megumin sounded very calm.

"Mole rats?! Aren't they supposed to be really tiny?! Like the size of mice?"

"Who ever told you that?"

"I hate this fucking world!" He was running as fast as he could, but it was tiring carrying so much weight.

"They don't have claws and their teeth aren't that sharp they're not really dangerous except in large numbers." More and more of them kept popping out of the holes. There had to be over a hundred of them. "Ah, Kazuma, this is bad."

"You think?!" He yelled as he kept running for his life. "You know right about now if you could cast magic that would be a big help! Even if you could just run on your own that would help!"

"Sorry."

His path was taking his towards the river. An impromptu plan formed. "Can these things swim?"

"I don't think so."

He nodded to himself, now if he could just make it to the river! Through Detect Enemy though he could feel the leaders closing in.

"They're going to catch us." She still sounded calm, almost bored.

"Thanks for the update! How about something useful?! A couple Fireballs right now would be great!"

"Sorry."

He was only twenty yards from the river but there were five that were on top of him and a whole pack not far behind. He wasn't going to make it. He shut his eyes. _Hey Eris! If you really are the goddess of luck I could use a little help here!_

There was a loud crash. Kazuma looked back over his shoulder. A half-collapsed house he'd just run past had suddenly fallen over and buried the mole rats that had been right behind him. The others were still following but now he had a little room.

_Hey Eris, thank you! You just got yourself a follower! _

He ran to the river without slowing. "Freeze!"

He froze the water in front of him. Just enough for him to walk over and made an ice walkway to the other side. The second his feet touched earth he dumped Darkness and Megumin and grabbed his throwing daggers.

On the other side the mole rats rushed onto the ice bridge, but it was not wide enough for more than one to cross at a time. In their mad rush they were pushing each other into the water. When ever one splashed in it sank and disappeared. Many didn't bother trying to reach the ice bridge and instead plunged straight into the river. None of them hesitated as they couldn't seem to think of anything other than trying to reach Darkness. Kazuma only ended up having to kill six of them. All the rest wound up drowning.

And with that he plopped down in the grass and breathed a sigh of relief.


	17. Why I don't like you

The first thing Kazuma did after taking a breather was dunk Darkness's head in the river to wash off the monster attractor. He was going to have to add a new rule; no using more than a capful of monster attractor. Ever. Darkness was unconscious, but uninjured. She had an enthusiastic smile and would occasionally mutter, 'yes, harder, harder.' Kazuma figured the river bank was a fine place to make camp for the night. He'd let both Darkness and Megumin recover and they could set out for home tomorrow morning.

"Kazuma?"

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"Hey, I just wanted to… thank you, for saving me. I… I know you didn't have to. I was useless, just dead weight. You could have just left me behind. It's not like you even like me. So thank you."

Kazuma stared at her for a moment. "Wow. You're an even bigger idiot than I thought."

Her eyes widened, but before she could yell at him he continued.

"I may be a jerk some times, but I'm not a monster. I've seen people die in front of me when there was nothing I could do. There's no way I want to ever see that again. I would never abandon someone. Never."

"I see," she said in a quiet voice.

"And just for the record Megumin I don't hate you. You annoy the absolute piss out of me because you remind me of how I used to be."

"I do?"

He nodded. "Before I came here all I cared about was myself. I used to spend all my time in my room playing games. I didn't care about anyone or anything else, not my parents, not my friends, not my family, nothing. I was totally self-absorbed, and my own feelings were the only things that mattered to me. Then I came here, and found out that the world, any world, is a big place. It doesn't care if you're hungry or scared. And most of the people in it will screw you over in a hot second. The ones who don't. The ones who'll help you even when there's nothing in it for them, they're what makes life worth living. They're more important than games or pride, those connections are what make life worth living."

He paused.

"And losing them hurts more than you would ever believe." He glanced at Darkness who was out but had a content grin. "I'll make sacrifices for the people who matter to me, even when they piss me off or embarrass the hell out of me. Because they're what's most important."

He turned his focus from Darkness back to Megumin. "And that's why I don't like you. Because even while you say you want to be in a party, you only want it on your own terms. You're okay not just with putting yourself but everyone else in danger just because you like explosion magic. You just expect everyone else to cover for you, because your satisfaction is what matters. And it matters more than lives. I'm sure when you thump your chest and tell everybody how you won't compromise and learn any other spells you think you're being noble. You're not, you're just selfish."

She stared wide eyed and her mouth opened and closed soundlessly.

He took his bow out and started to walk away. "I'm going to get us something for dinner."

"I'm sorry!" She blurted out. There were tears in her eyes. "It's not because I'm selfish. It's because I love Explosion more than anything!"

"Yeah, I know." He headed off.

XXX

By the time Darkness woke up Kazuma had a campfire going and three rabbits skinned and cooking. She was in a good mood recalling how she'd been assaulted by a huge slimy monster that had been eager to chew her up and swallow her. When she heard about the rampaging horde of naked mole rats she was sorry to have been unconscious for that. It was confirmed that the Sand Wyrm was completely destroyed and Darkness congratulated Megumin. The girl thanked her but was noticeably subdued.

"You seem very quiet," Darkness stated. "I would have expected you to be more energetic after your success. Did Kazuma do something to you?"

"Not really," Megumin said quietly. "He just told me what he honestly thinks about me."

"I see," she reached out and patted the girl's hand. "Don't feel bad, he does that to a lot of people." She smiled over at him. "He has a savage heart."

"Be quiet and eat your rabbit before I regret saving you from the mole rats."

"See? Savage."

Megumin nodded and ate her meal.

XXX

The trip back to Axel was uneventful. Kazuma was surprised when they camped the next night and Megumin didn't ask to be allowed to cast Explosion. On the way home she said very little and kept to herself. Kazuma and Darkness had the usual banter with one another as she would talk about all the potential horrors that surrounded them and Kazuma found ways to mock her. It was friendly chatter between friends who understood each other and helped the miles slip by.

It was late afternoon on the day after defeating the Sand Wyrm. Axel had come into view and they were about a half hour from the main gate when Megumin suddenly came up to Kazuma.

"Kazuma, I want to show you something."

He stopped. "What?"

Reaching into a pocket of her robes she pulled out her adventurer's card and handed it over to him. "Please look at this."

Kazuma took the card and examined it. Killing the Sand Wyrm had rocketed Megumin from level six all the way to ten. That wasn't a surprise as it had been a major monster deserving a ten million eris reward. What did catch Kazuma by surprise was her list of spells. Along with Explosion he saw she now also had Fireball and a spell called Blast in her inventory.

"Hey, I think there's a problem with your card. I see something other than Explosion listed."

Her cheeks darkened but she looked him back in the eye. "Growing up in the Crimson Demon village I've seen hundred of spells performed. Since I'm an archwizard I can acquire almost any of them. I think you're already familiar with Fireball." Kazuma nodded. "Blast is a weaker version of Explosion. It's safe to use in close distances and I have enough MP that I could probably cast it six or seven times in a day without being completely drained. Same goes with Fireball. They're both advanced spells so I needed two skill points to acquire each."

He handed the card back to her. "I thought you refused to use anything but Explosion."

"I did," she said in a low voice. "But when you were rescuing me from the mole rats I realized I was nothing but a burden. I don't want to drag other people down who I'm working with. I figure maybe learning a few other spells wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if it meant I could help my friends when they need me."

"Wow, that actually sounds reasonable."

"Don't get me wrongs," she added quickly. "Explosion is still the greatest spell there is and I still plan on using it whenever possible. It's just that you may need me to save you some time and so I better be able to still cast magic whenever that time comes."

"Well if our paths ever cross, sure. If you're really willing to use other spells I don't doubt you'll have lots of parties recruiting you. Whoever you end up working with will be lucky."

Her face turned a darker shade of red and stamped her staff on the ground. "You're going to make me say it aren't you?"

"Say what?" Kazuma asked sounding much too innocent.

"Please let me join your party. I want to work with you and darkness from now on. Even if you're a massive perv and jerk, I also think you're pretty amazing. You and Darkness are both brave and incredible adventurers. It would really make me happy to be in a party with both of you."

Kazuma rubbed his chin. "Hmmm, I'm not sure."

Darkness came up beside him. "Do I get a say in this?"

"Nope."

She gasped. "So cruel."

"Come on!" Megumin pleaded. "Isn't this what you wanted? For me to agree to sue other spells?"

"Are you really going to use them? I wouldn't want you to fire off Explosion and go limp the first time we spot a slime or something."

"Do you think I'd waste four skill points on them if I weren't going to use them?"

"I'd like to think not but then I wouldn't expect someone to become a waitress instead of learning more spells either."

"Hey, I've changed, okay? What happened was a wake up call and I realize I can't just do what I want all the time. I'm willing to compromise if it means I can be in your party."

"Okay then, you can join us but there's condition."

"What?"

"You're still not allowed to cast Explosion without my permission."

"Hey! You don't think I can control myself?"

"Nope."

She stood there glaring. "I could just join a different party you know! Anyone would take me now that I have more spells, you said so yourself!"

"And I don't doubt they will. But if you want to join this party you have to agree no more big booms without your god's say so. If you can't handle that then we'll part ways as soon as we collect the reward."

"You really are an asshole, you know that?"

"Its been mentioned once or twice."

She glared daggers, but finally gave a single curt nod. "Okay, fine! I won't use Explosion without your say so! So can I join your party?"

He grinned and held out his hand. "Yeah, welcome aboard Megumin."

She shook hands with him and Darkness and she joined them as a permanent member.

XXX

As they continued towards Axel Kazuma spoke to his new party member. "You know I was wrong about you, Megumin."

She grinned happily. "I know, I bet you never thought I'd finally agree to learn more spells. I've grown up and become more mature in your eyes haven't I?"

"Maybe a little," he admitted. "But that's not what I was talking about."

"What are you talking about then?"

"When I said you probably wore kiddie underwear. I mean seriously, black silk panties? Isn't that a little mature for a kid like you?"

"Ack!" She slammed her knees together and slapped both hands down in front of her thighs. "You perv! That's sexual harassment! When did you-"

"The night after you cast your first Explosion and were sleeping out on the grass. I just took a quick peek. Nothing to worry about."

"How do you think that's okay?!" She yelled.

"K… Kazuma, did you possibly…?" Darkness stuttered.

"Pink with little roses," Kazuma chuckled. "Honestly I'd have expected you to be the one with the black panties."

Darkness let out an ecstatic cry and hugged herself. "Chris was right you are a fiend."

"That's it!" Megumin leveled her staff. "Fireball!"

"Hey!" Kazuma ran for his life as a ball of fire sped towards him.

On the bright side he survived and learned for certain Megumin could cast spells other than Explosion.


	18. The favorite of Eris

The party returned to the guild hall. Kazuma's clothes were slightly singed and he was out of breath. Darkness's armor was in need of repair but she was in a good mood. Megumin strode into the hall as though she owned it. She climbed on top of an empty table, slammed the butt of her staff down on it, and gave her cape a dramatic swirl.

"Attention!" The guild was as loud and boisterous as usual. Many amused faces turned in her direction. "I wish to announce that I, Megumin, greatest and most powerful of the Crimson Demon Clan spell casters have just returned from a difficult and death-defying mission. I single handedly destroyed a Sand Wyrm with the most powerful spell known to all creation, Explosion! It was glorious!" She began waving a hand about her face. "Yes! I proved myself a great hero by reducing such a terrible monster to pieces! Through my own genius and will I…"

As Megumin continued to regale her audience Kazuma opened up his purse and pulled out a single copper coin. "Snipe!"

He threw the coin as hard as he could and nailed the archwizard square in her toosh.

"Any of you who may want autographs can- Ow!" She leapt up and grabbed her butt. This instantly threw her off balance and the entire guild hall burst out laughing as she tumbled off the edge of the table.

Darkness looked over at Kazuma who had a wide grin on his face.

"You really enjoy humiliating women in public, don't you Kazuma?"

"Nah, I'm okay with doing it in private too."

Darkness shut her eyes and let out a groan.

Luna helped Megumin get back to her feet, then asked if she could bring some food to table nine.

XXX

They confirmed the Sand Wyrm's death and successful completion of the mission. They each received three million, three hundred and thirty-three thousand and three hundred and thirty-three eris. The one extra was left as a tip for the house. Kazuma had most of his money put in the vault, but did ask for some to be paid out in coin. He then turned to Darkness.

"Hey, do you know where the nearest church of Eris is?"

Darkness looked at him in surprise. "Of course," she pointed to the shoulder plate that was in the shape of a wing. "I am a follower. I didn't realize you were as well."

"Yeah, I didn't used to be, but I am now. I want to stop by and make a donation."

The two of them went to the nearest temple. (Megumin stayed to tell the waitresses and a few others about her adventure.) They found a young priest on duty along with a couple acolytes. Kazuma handed over five gold coins. The priest was very surprised but thanked him profusely. Darkness was almost as amazed.

Darkness's eyebrows rose. "Kazuma, that's half a million eris. I never knew you were so generous."

"Let's just say I value my life highly. I just earned more than three million, so I can afford it. Besides Eris did me a favor, and I don't forget the people who help me."

"What favor was that?" A familiar voice said from the entrance to the temple.

Kazuma turned around to see Chris standing there grinning. "Chris! What are you doing here?"

"Oh I was just passing by. I guess it was just good luck I showed up when you and Darkness are here."

"I've been looking for you, where have you been?"

She winked at him and put a finger to her lips. "It's a secret. So what was this favor Eris did for you?"

Kazuma happily related the story of running for his life from a pack of naked mole rats and how a building miraculously collapsed after he asked the goddess for help. He hadn't mentioned the prayer before, so Darkness was quite amazed.

"That is incredible, Kazuma! The goddess is known to occasionally help her favorites, but something like this?" She clasped her hands together. "The goddess must truly like you!"

"Well I like her too," Kazuma said. "That's why I'm joining her church."

"Well, I'll bet she's very happy to have you as a follower. Here," Chris held out her hand. In her palm was a gold chain with a wing.

"What's this?" Kazuma asked. The wing was similar to the one on Darkness's armor.

"Just a little something I found on the street. Someone must have lost it. It's a symbol of Eris with a blessing on it. If you wear it, it will give you minor protection from undead and a slight boost to your luck skill." She giggled. "Not that you really need it."

"Whoa! So, it's a magical item and you're just giving it to me? Thanks!" He quickly put it around his neck and then hid the medallion beneath his chain mail. "You're seriously the best, Chris!"

Darkness coughed into her hand. "Kazuma, normally when a man receives such an unexpected gift from a woman he would decline it or at the very least ask her if she was sure she wanted to part with it."

"Yeah, I know. Most guys are idiots."

Darkness sent her friend an apologetic look and then bowed in her direction. "I am sorry, but you know what a selfish beast he is."

"Hey! I think it would be rude not to accept!"

Chris giggled and shook her head. "It's okay, Darkness. I like him this way."

Hearing that made Kazuma feel warm inside.

"I'm really glad to see you and Darkness getting along. I've heard about all the missions you've gone on. I just knew the two of you would make a good team. That's why I introduced you."

"Really? I sort of thought it was because you were mad at me for stealing your panties."

Darkness gasped. "So cruel."

Chris stood there grinning. "So, Kazuma, you said you were looking for me? Did you want me to teach you some more skills?" She suddenly gasped and put a hand to her mouth. "Or… or were you wanting to take my panties again? That's it isn't it?"

The priest and acolytes took a couple steps away from Kazuma and started whispering to each other.

Kazuma sighed. "Let's go talk somewhere else before you get me banned."

XXX

They returned to the guild hall to find Megumin busy bussing tables while still wearing her wizard robes and hat. Megumin told them this was a one time thing because they were short staffed and it was a favor to Luna.

Kazuma ordered a round of drinks and sat down at a table with Chris and Darkness. He wasted no time telling Chris what he wanted.

"I've kept five skill slots open just for thieving skills. What do you think would work best for me?"

"Aren't there skills you're specifically looking for?" Chris asked in surprise. "Usually people want something specific, or at least have a general idea."

"Eh, to be honest I've done pretty well with what I have so far. I figured that since you're a way better thief than me you'd have a good idea of that would be useful. I trust you, so I'll listen to whatever you suggest."

Her cheeks flushed in a cute way. "Th... Thank you, Kazuma. That's very flattering to hear."

"Hey, you helped me out when no one else would and when there was nothing in it for you. I don't ever forget the people who help me."

Chris's blush got deeper, and she hurriedly took a sip of ale.

"I've helped you too," Darkness muttered.

"Huh? Did you say something?"

"Nothing," Darkness quickly took a swallow of ale as well.

"Well I do have some ideas," Chris said as she set her mug down. "If you have five slots I would recommend; Pick Locks, Set Traps, Climb, Read Lips, and Identify."

"Okay, I can see why a thief would want to be able to pick locks and set traps. I didn't think climbing was a thief ability."

"It's not exclusive to thieves, obviously, but when you're sneaking through the back ways or running from the guards being able to scale a wall can be the difference between life and death. It's very useful, especially in an urban setting."

"Okay, what about, 'Read Lips?'"

"It's a great way to spy on people. You'll be surprised how much information people will just let slip out when they think no one is in earshot. You already have the Farseeing ability, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well combing that with lip reading will let you spy on people through windows or folk half a mile away. If you're interested in information gathering it's a must."

"I guess I can see that. I assume, 'Identify' is the ability to know what something's magical properties are?"

"It does that and a lot more. It'll tell you the properties of anything you look at, not just items but living beings too. If you run across a monster you can instantly identify its race and base statistics. Pretty handy is you bump into something unfamiliar. As for items, not only will it spot any magical qualities, it will also tell you it's base market value. Helps with sorting treasure and if you need to bargain."

_That sounds like something straight out of an RPG_. He nodded. "Yeah, that does all sound really great, please show them to me."

Chris identified everything about his dagger. She read the lips of a guy halfway across the room who was complaining about his wife forcing him to watch the kids while she visited her mom. She climbed up the side of the wall. Chris set a bucket of water over the front door, as this apparently counted as a 'trap.' (It worked getting Mohawk Guy drenched and laughed at by everyone. Kazuma bought him an ale.) Finally, she picked one of the coin chests behind the counter as Luna stood over her shoulder keeping a _very_ close eye on her. And with that Kazuma acquired five new thief skills.

Chris sat back down to finish her ale. "Anything else I can do for you?"

"As a matter of fact you still owe me a favor for me agreeing to help, Darkness. Remember?"

She blinked. "I thought teaching you these skills was the favor." She sounded much too innocent.

"Nice try, I never said that, and you didn't bring it up, so no way does that count. Besides, showing a skill never costs more than a drink or a free meal. I'll buy you four more ales if you want."

"Fine, fine," she held up her hands in mock surrender. "I do owe you one. So, what do you want from me?"

He gave her an excited smile. "Go out on a date with me."

"**What?!**" Both Chris and Darkness cried out.

He sat back and continued to smile. "I want a date, Chris."


	19. The smooth talker

"A date? You… You want to go on a date with me?" Chris sat there looking stunned.

"That's right," he said sounding smug. "That's the favor I want from you."

"You can't!" Darkness yelled slamming a fist down on the table.

Both Kazuma and Chris turned to stare at her. Darkness's face began to redden and she squirmed in her seat.

"I… I mean you can't ask something like that when you obviously have ulterior motives. I think it's obvious what you are _really _after, Kazuma."

"Hey! Don't make me sound like some sort of creep. I'm not the kind of guy who would try and take advantage of a girl."

"No, you're the kind of guy who would steal a girl's panties and wave them in the air while screaming at the top of his lungs," Chris said with a smirk.

"Th… That's totally not my fault! You know how Steal works! I have absolutely no control over what I get when I use it."

"Well, that's true, but you _do _have control of how you react afterwards. You also wanted to see me undress in front of you."

"That was your idea! I would have never asked you for that!"

Chris rolled her eyes. "Yes, I was the one who suggested it. But oh, how I had to twist your arm to agree."

Kazuma's cheeks blushed and his hands started to nervously open and close. "You're twisting things. I'm just a regular guy who likes pretty girls. Are you really going to blame me for that? There is no way I would ever try and take advantage of a girl. That's not the kind of guy I am."

"Didn't you admit to peeking on Megumin's and my panties while we were asleep?" Darkness asked.

"You did that?" Chris asked in surprise. "And who is Megumin?"

"A fourteen-year-old archwizard who has just joined our party," Darkness said.

Chris grinned at Kazuma. "Do you look up the skirt of every sleeping girl you meet? Or is that only for party members?"

"It's not what it sounds like!" Kazuma wailed.

"Well, it sounds like you love looking at girls' panties."

Kazuma paused and thought about it. "Okay, I guess that's true. But come on, it's not _that _bad is it?" He pointed at Darkness. "I mean you're friends with her and she can't go five minutes without saying how much she likes being abused. Compared to her I'm perfectly normal."

"So cruel!" Darkness gasped and shuddered.

"See?! See?!"

Chris sighed. "You do have sort of a point."

"Ah!" Darkness gave another joyous cry.

Kazuma shook his head. "Look, Chris. I really like you! I've never been on a date with a girl. I think you're special and different from every other girl I've met since coming here." _You're actually sane_, he thought.

Now it was Chris's cheeks that turned bright red. "Th… Thank you, Kazuma. No one's ever said that to me before. I… I'm not really confident in my beauty."

"Is that because of your flat chest?"

"Ack!" Chris slapped both hands over her chest.

"You don't need to worry!" Kazuma said with kindness. "I mean normally I wouldn't be interested, but you're so great I honestly don't mind. I mean sure, every guy loves boobs, and the bigger the better. Normally a flat chest would be a deal breaker. I might even feel a little sorry for you. But you're just amazing and nice, I honestly don't mind it! I'll totally make an exception for you!"

"…" Chris was just staring back at him with her hands still planted on her chest.

Darkness coughed into her hand. "Kazuma, what you just said was very inappropriate."

"Huh?" He twisted in his chair. "You're calling _me_ inappropriate? Do you actually listen to some of the things that come out of your mouth?"

"Kazuma! You're being rude! This is the body Chris was born with! You need to be more considerate of her feelings! It's not her fault she doesn't have a womanly form."

"Kkkk," Chris began making choking noises.

"You okay?" Kazuma jumped out of his seat and hurried to her side. He began slapping her back to help her breathe. "Please just ignore what Darkness said, she never thinks about other people's feelings." He stopped smacking her back when she waved him off.

"D… Don't worry about it. Listen, Kazuma, I think you're very sweet, but I really don't think we should go on a date. It would be inappropriate."

"Huh? Why? Do you already have someone you like?" He sat back down.

"Ah, no, that's not it."

"Are you not attracted to me?"

She got an incredibly adorable look of embarrassment and began pressing her index fingers together. "N… No, I think you're very cute."

He sighed happily. "Sempai thinks I'm cute."

"I think you're cute too," Darkness mumbled beneath her breath.

"So, what's the problem?" Kazuma asked.

"Well, you see, it just wouldn't be proper since you're a human and I'm a g- grrk."

"Huh?"

Chris began waving her hands about. "I… I mean, I'm not sure I would be a good match for you. I'm not what you think."

Kazuma paused and looked at her closely.

His intense stare was causing Chris to begin to fidget. "Kazuma?"

"I think I get it; you're not an ordinary human girl are you?"

She scratched at her cheek. "Ah, well…"

He suddenly reached across the table and clasped her hands in his. "I don't care about that! Just look around. There are elves, dwarves, cat girls, dog girls, fox girls, and all sorts of other races. It doesn't matter to me if you're something other than human! Please go on a date with me, Chris!"

She gulped and hesitated. "You're very kind and sweet. But I'm still not sure it's a good idea."

He continued to hold her soft hands in his and stare intently at her face. A smile blossomed across his lips. "I think I've figured out the truth."

"Y… You have?"

"You're part dog girl aren't you?"

Chris blinked. "What?" She looked confused.

"I mean you admitted you're not human, and you gave me the puppy dog eyes before, so that's got to be it, right?"

"Ah, Kazuma? I think you have the wrong idea about me."

"Do you have a tail?"

"What?"

"I mean you obviously don't have dog ears. I don't know how genetics work or what percentage dog person you are. But do you have a cute little tail? Can I see you wag it? Just a bit?"

"Uh…"

Darkness coughed into her hand. "Kazuma, that is very inappropriate to ask to see a person's tail." Her face began to blush. "I.. If th… that is what interests you I can offer to let you see m… my naked behind.

"Pass," he said instantly. "You've got a great body, but you would definitely say stuff that would weird me out and ruin things."

"So dismissive and cruel!" She gasped.

"See?! Like that! You'd say something like that! The only way I'd ever want to see you naked was if you were gagged!"

Her face went completely red. "I knew it. I bet you've been thinking that every time you lay eyes on me haven't you, Kazuma? What a beast you are! Thinking about me naked, tied up, and unable to cry out for help! What kind of perverted and wicked things have you inflict on me? Tell me if you dare!"

"And this is why I would rather be with Chris even if she's flat as a board! At least she doesn't freak me out every time she opens her mouth!"

"Gee, Kazuma, thanks." Chris said in a flat voice.

He smiled back at her completely missing her tone. "You're welcome. It's because you're such a great person I don't mind you not having boobs. I mean I don't even mind that scar on your face."

"What? What about my scar?"

"Oh, it's fine, I don't mind it. I mean most girls would be really self-conscious about a scar on their face. I admire all your self-confidence despite it."

"So… so you think my scar is ugly? That is ruins my face?"

"Of course not. I would never ask an ugly girl for a date. You're still really cute in spite of it."

"…"

"So, will you go out with me?"

"You know, Kazuma. I think I can understand why you've never been on a date before."

"Huh? What does that mean?"

"Never mind," she sighed.

"So, will you?"

She gave another despondent sigh. "I did promise you a favor, so if this is what you really want then yes, I'll go on a date with you."

"Yes! That's awesome!"

"BUT," she cut in. "It'll have to wait. I'm actually just passing through Axel. I have work to take care of so I'm leaving the city tonight."

"What?!"

She smiled for him. "I promise the next time I'm in town we'll have that date, okay?"

He looked disappointed, but nodded. "Well you do seem awfully busy, and I know how much Thieves are in demand. Do you swear we'll have that date the next time I see you?"

She nodded and held up her right hand. "I swear it in the name of the goddess Eris."

"Well, okay I guess."

"So until then, work hard on becoming a great Adventurer and take care of you teammates, okay?"

"Yeah, I will."

She scratched her cheek. "And maybe learn how to be a little more polite to women?"

"What do you mean? I'm always polite."

Chris and Darkness both stared at him.

"What?"


	20. The blonde succubus

Kazuma snuck into the cave as quietly as he could. He'd already activated Vanish, but that didn't effect sound. He crept inside the massive hole in the mountain and looked around, he already knew there were no traps. It took almost no time to spot a cyclops sleeping on his side atop a mound of fur blankets. He was lying there, single eye shut and unmoving.

_I guess that's why Detect Enemy didn't show me anything_, Kazuma thought. He'd used he ability plenty of times to ambush enemy monsters who has no idea he was in the area. So, the ability worked whether the monsters had hostile intent or not. But apparently it didn't if there was no chance the enemy could be a threat in their current state. So even a twenty foot tall cyclops wouldn't trip his ability so long as it was fast asleep and no danger to him.

Along with the blankets there were huge wooden clubs, stone spears, and piles of equipment, weapons, and other goods that has probably been scavenged from the travelers who'd been attacked. Kazuma activated his Identify skill. Eyeing the cyclops he saw a lust of information pop up in his eyesight, like a menu on a computer screen.

RACE - Cyclops

LVL – 25

HP – 410

STR – 103

CON – 67

DEX – 20

INT – 15

WIS – 21

CHM - 4

LCK – 24

EXP – 288,145 / 310,000

Kazuma looked about the cave, it was a disorganized mess with piles of stolen equipment and gear and what not spread all over the place. His Farseeing ability let him spot everything even though it was dim. Combined with his Identify ability when he focused on anything he would see a pop up stating a basic description of the item followed by: Estimated Value X,XXX.

Iron Spear – 8,000

Iron Sword – 5,000

Bronze Dagger – 1,000

Round Shield – 3,000

Longbow (Good Quality) – 30,000

Iron tip arrows x 12 – 200 x 12

Small Buckler – 1,500

Iron Sword (Poor Quality) – 3,200

Chainmail (Damaged) – 2,500

Magical Broadsword – 1,200,000

A huge grin split Kazuma's face. _Chris, I love you! Thief skills rock so damn hard! _Sneaking as quickly and quietly as he could over to the weapons stash he grabbed the broadsword. He then noted that where he was now let him look into an alcove he hadn't spotted from his previous angle. There were a pile of about twenty purses, each one had a value running from 12,140 to 2,750.000. Kazuma hurried over and picked up the one worth over two million Eris. He opened it and saw it contained gold and silver coins. Kazuma forced himself not to laugh out loud he didn't want to accidentally wake up the cyclops. He snatched up every single purse and stuffed them into special pockets he'd had sewn into his cloak for this exact purpose. (A suggestion from Chris.) The purses and the broadsword all disappeared as did anything in physical contact with him when he has Vanish active. Not seeing anything else worth grabbing Kazuma got out without making any great noise.

His teammates were waiting on him behind a boulder about a thousand yards from the cave entrance. Kazuma ended the Vanish ability and appeared in front of them.

"The way you're smiling," Megumin said. "I bet you found the cyclops."

"Yep, and I found a few other things too." Kazuma dropped the broadsword and pulled out all the purses too. Even though he was thinking of himself more and more as a rogue he had no intention of ever stealing from or cheating his party members.

"Nice!" Megumin said eying all those purses. "Do you know how much they're worth?"

"Not exactly, but somewhere north of four million." The reward for exterminating the cyclops was one and a half million. With the sale price of the broadsword this one day's work would earn them close to seven million eris total!

Darkness ignored the purses and instead picked up the broadsword. She held it before her eyes and carefully inspected it. "This is a magnificent weapon, the finest I've ever seen." She glanced at Kazuma. "What are we going to do with it?"

"Sell it, what else."

She looked away and dug a foot into the ground. "You know, it would make a fine weapon for a crusader to wield in battle. Any skilled swordsman would love a blade like this."

Kazuma sent her a flat look. "You know anyone like that?"

She gasped. "So cruel! You really have no mercy!"

"If she wants it, I don't mind her having it," Megumin said. "I mean if it makes her stronger in combat isn't that good for us as a party?"

"Well that's sort of the problem, isn't it? If she could use the thing, I'd give it to her too. But she's worthless with a sword in her hand. She'd be as dangerous holding a stick."

Darkness gasped and shuddered. "K… K… Kazuma how can you be so vicious right to my face?"

Kazuma gave an exasperated sigh. "You really want to keep that sword? Fine," he pointed to the boulder they were standing in front of. It was twelve feet high and about six feet wide. "Hit this thing one time and you can have it."

"You really think I could miss such a ridiculous target?"

"I'll give you three swings."

"Fine! I'm sure I can manage to hit something so huge!" She held the magical blade in a fighting stance and strode forward.

Thirty seconds later a red faced Darkness handed the sword back to Kazuma.

"Okay Megumin, do your thing."

"Right!" She held up her staff. "Forces of ruin hear my call! Show me the power of destruction! Show me the fiery end deserved by all my foes! Show me Explooooooooosion!"

The inside of the cave blew apart sending chunks of rock flying in all direction and triggering a minor landslide. Kazuma and party hid behind the boulder. When the ground stopped shaking Kazuma peered around the boulder to see the side of the hill was now nothing but smoking rock and debris.

A limp but smiling Megumin sighed. "That was awesome."

"Well mission accomplished," he slid the archwizard onto his back. "Time to go home."

XXX

As they tromped back towards the guild Darkness brought up the rear. She was much quieter than usual. As they entered the city she spoke up.

"Kazuma?"

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"Are really going to just sell the sword?"

"Yep."

She took a deep breath. "Kazuma, I really want this sword! It would be perfect for me!"

He looked over at her. "I didn't realize it was made out of rubber."

She gasped. "You're savage."

"No, I'm not. I'm just sensible. If you wanted it as a weapon, I'd be happy to give it to you. But you only want it as a decoration. Buy some earrings or a necklace or something instead."

Her cheeks blushed. "Y… You don't see me as a proper crusader at all do you?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Does anybody?"

Darkness put her head back and gave a cry that sounded so erotic a nearby mother covered up her child's ears.

When they reached the guild they received the reward for their mission. They also counted out all the coins in the purses and divided everything up. Each share came to a little under one point nine million eris. It was late afternoon, so Kazuma decided to have dinner at the guild and then just head home. He would visit the weapon shops tomorrow and see who would give him the best price for the sword.

On his way home he felt a heavy hand slap down on his shoulder. "Hey, youngster! I've heard about how well you've been doing lately. Congratulations."

Kazuma looked up and saw it was Mohawk Guy. He was a regular at the guild and seemed like a really good friendly person. Though Kazuma had never actually learned his name. "Oh, well thanks."

"A man should celebrate his good fortune you know?" The guy had a big smile on his face. "You know what I'm saying?"

"Oh, sure, I just had good dinner and some ale."

"That's not what I mean, youngster." He suddenly pulled Kazuma close and lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Have you ever visited Hell's Door?"

"Huh? What, are you talking about almost dying?"

Mohawk Guy shook his head. "Come with me, youngster. I'll show you a special place made for just us men."

"Uh…" Kazuma wasn't sure how to respond. On the one hand that sounded kind of intriguing, but he didn't really know this guy that well. And going to any place called the, 'Hell's Door' didn't sound appealing.

"No need to be shy youngster, a man works hard and plays hard!" With an iron grip around his shoulder Kazuma was led down an alley way towards a non-descript door.

Before he knew it he was in a lounge filled with gorgeous half naked succubi! He was sat down and handed a form to fill out. A sexy blonde succubus with massive tits and a minimum of black thread explained the rules. As she spoke she kept touching herself seductively right in front of him.

"We succubi have a mutually beneficial relationship with the male adventurers of this city."

"Uh huh." He was staring at her as she massaged her own breasts. Kazuma wasn't sure but the thought he might be drooling.

"We provide our customers _release_, from certain, _frustrations_ they may not otherwise be able to relieve."

Kazuma gulped and nodded.

"We can enter your dreams and fulfill _any _desire you may have." She motioned to the form. "It can be literally anyone you want, real or imagined, and she'll behave however you desire. She will do _anything _you want, no matter how perverted or wicked or immoral." The girl put both hands between her legs right in front of Kazuma's face. "_Nothing _is forbidden or off limits, after all it's all just a dream."

Kazuma stared at what she was doing. "Anything?"

"Anything," she said in a sultry whisper and rubbing her hands along a certain spot.

Kazuma swallowed and struggled to speak. "Uh, how much does this cost?"

The blonde succubus shook her head. "We don't take payment in coin. What we ask for is just a tiny bit of your vitality." She took a hand away and held thumb near forefinger. "We won't take so much as to shorten your lifespan or inconvenience you on your adventures. It's a fine bargain don't you think?"

Kazuma shook his head so hard it might have fallen off.

"Write down your desires in detail and some time tonight one of us will pay you a visit and fulfill them within your dreams. My only caution is that you not drink heavily before going to sleep tonight. If you fall into a stupor or very deep sleep, you won't be able to experience our dream manipulation."

"G… Got it, no problem." He paused. "I can ask for _anything_?"

"Anything," she told him bending over to give him a nice view. "We are here to satisfy our customers every desire. So please, don't hold back."

Kazuma quickly write down what he wanted and then hurried back to his cottage. He was lying in bed before it was even completely dark outside. He shut his eyes and tried to force himself to go to sleep. He was too excited for that, but eventually he did fall asleep.

XXX

He woke up to a pounding at his door. He threw back the sheet and ran to open it. There before him was his succubus. She looked exactly like Darkness. _Huh. I wanted it to be Chris except with huge tits. I guess maybe deep down I wanted to do this even more._

"Kazuma, I really need to talk to you!"

With a huge smile he opened the door wide. "Come on in then."


	21. How Darkness got a magical sword

Kazuma couldn't believe how genuine everything felt! He'd never been in such a vivid dream before where all his senses were active. He could even pick up the subtle scent of lilac that Darkness usually had unless they'd been on the road for days. Succubus magic was amazing! If he didn't know all this was a dream, he would absolutely believe it was real life.

His cottage only had four rooms; a privy, a small kitchen with a wood stove, a living room, and a bedroom. Darkness strode right into the middle of his living room… with the open door to his bedroom right behind her. He thought about what exactly he'd written down in that form he'd filled out.

_I want a woman who is a little older, but not really experienced. She needs to be attracted to me, but shy. I want her to pretend to be really embarrassed and shocked when I make my move, but secretly she wants it even more than I do. Once we actually begin, she needs to be totally into it and beg me for more. I want her to be submissive and go along with whatever I want to do! Most important of all, she has to have huge tits and be gorgeous! _

When he'd written all that down the image he'd had in mind was Chris with a major upgrade to her chest. He adored his sempai and thought she was the most amazing girl he'd ever met. The fact he was so interested despite her being as flat as Megumin proved just how deeply he cared about her. Chris was definitely the girl for him!

That said… it wasn't like he didn't think Darkness was hot as hell. Her freaky tendencies and the crap she spewed all the time was a turn off. But when she was acting like a normal human being, she was the absolute best. He'd had plenty of lewd thoughts about her, that was only normal for a guy his age given how close they were and how much time they spent together and the way her body was made for sin. In real life there was no way he would ever make a move on her. All that masochist garbage was too much of a turn off. Plus, he didn't want things to get weird between them now that he finally had a party that actually worked, and where he was somehow the leader.

But this was all a dream, she wasn't really Darkness, and they could do _anything _he wanted.

'Darkness' stood there with her back ram rod straight looking him in the eye. "First, I must apologize for disturbing you so late at night, and for coming to your home without an invitation." She bent her neck.

Kazuma grinned. That was exactly how she normally sounded, Darkness was incredibly proper and polite. Except when her tendencies got the better of her. He could really appreciate how hard the succubus was working to make this as real as possible.

On a different section of the form he'd filled out he'd written:

_I want to be the cool experienced guy who knows exactly what he's doing. The sort of guy who knows exactly how to make a woman fall for him with just a few words. _

Back in Japan Kazuma had always been the quiet, shy kid. The one who never really fit in. He'd had no real experience with girls and had certainly never known what it was like to be popular. (Not including his experiences online where he was a rock star.) He'd always been jealous of the strong, confident guys who the girls always stared as when they walked into a room. The guys who were never nervous no matter the situation, the ones who always knew just what to say.

A big part of Kazuma's fantasy wasn't just to finally be with a beautiful woman. It was to do it as the cool guy that the girl just couldn't resist. He'd sort of tried that with Chris when he asked her out. It hadn't really gone that well. But since this was a dream, he was sure the results here would be way better. And no matter how things turned out it wasn't like there'd be repercussions or anything. He would just be more specific about what he wanted the next time.

So rather than just get straight to it, he wanted to win her over with his charm and wit and 'coolness.'

He deepened his voice. "So, what brings you to my home? Something you need from me?"

She frowned. "Why are you talking like that?"

"What do you mean? I always talk like this."

"No, you don't. Did you catch a cold or something?"

Kazuma felt a little disappointed. This was how he'd expect Darkness to react normally in real life, but he'd wanted her to be flustered and embarrassed trying to confess her feelings. _I guess the succubus can't read my thoughts. _

He coughed and spoke in his usual voice. "So why are you here? I don't remember ever inviting you to my home. Actually, I don't think I ever told you my address."

Her cheeks reddened and she avoided his gaze. "Ah, I asked Luna and she gave it to me. I told her it was an emergency and I had to speak to you right away."

Kazuma grinned. _This is more like it. _"I understand. The feelings in your heart were too powerful to deny any longer."

"What?" She replied in obvious confusion.

"Huh?" Kazuma was confused by her confusion.

"I'm here because of the sword, Kazuma. I know you plan to sell it off to one of the weapons shops in town tomorrow. I'm here to ask you to let me have it. You don't need to give it to me. I'll buy it with my share of the earnings."

Kazuma frowned. "Really? _That's _ the reason you came here?" He went to the corner of the room where he'd left the magical blade and picked it up. "You came here tonight just for this?"

She nodded. "It is a truly fine weapon and it would improve my reputation. I would also feel more like a proper crusader."

Kazuma felt a vein in his forehead start to throb. What sort of kinky sex fantasy was this?! He had to deal with this kind of stupidity all the time in his real life! He didn't want even more of it when he was supposed to be getting his freak on!

"You can put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig. And this sword wouldn't make you a decent crusader. That would probably require divine intervention!"

She gasped. "K… Kazuma! S… So cruel!"

"That's not cruel!" Kazuma snapped. "What's cruel is ruining a man's dream! This isn't what I signed up for! Realism is fine but this isn't what I wanted!"

Her mouth hung open. "I… I ruined your dream? How?"

"By being you!"

She stood there gaping like a fish.

Staring at her, a wicked smile began to spread across his lips. If this succubus wasn't going to play the flustered innocent, then he would just have to treat her like the masochist Darkness was in real life. That could be a lot of fun too. This was all just a dream after all. This would be his chance to **finally **get a little payback for all the times he'd been publicly embarrassed. That could _definitely_ be fun. As he thought about what he was going to do Darkness gulped and took a step back from him.

"K… K… Kazuma w… why are you looking at me like that? W… What s… sort of p… p… perverted thoughts are running through your mind?"

He took the sword he was still holding and brought the point down, so it cut into his floor. "You want this sword, Darkness?"

"Y… Yes, but ah, perhaps I should just go. W… We could talk about this again in the morning." She skittered a little further away from him.

"Okay, well I'm not going to just give it to you, and I won't sell it to you either. But maybe there's a way you can earn it."

She gulped and he could see her start to tremble. "W… What would I have to do?"

XXX

"The good kitty wipes her face with her paws."

Kazuma was sitting in a chair. Darkness was on the floor in front of him, down on all fours. She had stripped off her armor and was wearing a black body suit. On top of her head were a pair of fuzzy cat ears and strapped to her butt was a fake tail. Her face was as red as a tomato and her whole body was shaking.

"K… K… Kazuma… w… why do you have these things?" She pointed at the ears and tail.

"Don't worry about it."

"B… B… But w… why are you making me-"

"Kitties don't talk," he shook a finger at her. "They go 'meow' 'meow' while they wipe their faces."

She gulped, then made her hands into fists and rubbed them against her cheeks. "Meow. Meow."

He nodded, then took a small bottle of milk and poured it into a bowl which he placed in front of his chair. "That's a good kitty. Now come over and have some milk.

She gawked at him but lowered her head and crawled over to the bowl. "Meow?"

He smiled at her.

She bent down and began licking up the milk.

"That's a good kitty." Kazuma reached over and ran a hand along her back, 'petting' her.

She gasped and stared up at him in shock.

Kazuma kept right on smiling and running his hand the length of her _entire _back. "Kitties like to be pet, and you're a good kitty, aren't you?"

She gulped. "M… Meow?"

He nodded. "Have some more milk, kitty."

She returned to licking up the milk as he continued to pet her.

XXX

Darkness came out of the kitchen visibly trembling and panting. Her black bodysuit was gone. She was now wearing nothing but a pink, frilly apron that only came down to the top of her thighs. Most of her legs and cleavage was on open display.

"K… K… Kazuma, d… do you really cook with an apron like this?"

"Don't worry about it." He yawned and stretched. "I've just come home from a long day at the office."

She swallowed and clasped her hands together. "W… Welcome home, d… d… darling! Would you like to have dinner? Or a nice bath? Or m… m… me?"

He smiled and it made her quiver. "I think I'll have a bath."

"Huh? But there is no bath here!" His 'bathroom' only contained a privy and a sink. His home had no running water, he had to get it from the local well.

"Don't worry about it. Now why don't you give me a nice back rub?"

She stared at him.

"But don't use your hands."

She hugged herself and let out an erotic cry.

XXX

"H… How did it come to this?!" Darkness cried out.

She was completely naked and lying face down on top of his bed. Both her hands were tied to the bed posts. Kazuma was sitting on the edge of the bed looking her over. He leaned in and whispered in her ear. "What would your family say if they could see you right now, La-la-ti-na?"

She arched her back and cried out.

Seeing the reaction Kazuma couldn't keep from laughing.

Darkness turned her face to him. "I always knew you were a beast! But to think you would go this far! To do something so p… perverted to your own comrade in arms! You really are a fiend!"

Kazuma laughed some more and shrugged. "Well, I guess you may have a point, but since all this is a dream it doesn't really matter does it?"

"So, this is your dream?" Darkness gasped. "Y… You've been wanting to do this to me since we met?! I can't believe it. K… Kazuma I am deeply disappointed!"

He leaned in close and whispered. "Oh? And what part of that disappoints you? That I like humiliating you, or that I waited so long?" He caressed the side of her neck with a single finger.

She shut her eyes and let out an adorable whimper. "I… I… I don't know what you mean. I hate this."

"Oh yeah?" He continued to slide his finger from her neck down along her back. "Then why'd you do every single asked? Why would you get naked? Act like a cat? Give me a full body message? Let me tie you up? If it was so awful why were you so obedient?"

"B… Because you said it was the only way I could earn the broadsword. For the sake of improving my status as a crusader I will endure any humiliation, no matter how deeply it may horrify me."

"Yeah, I can tell you're hating every second of this."

"I am! I h… hate what you are doing, K… K…. Kazuma! I beg you to stop!"

"Oh, okay then." Kazuma stood and grabbed the ropes on one of her wrists. "If that's how you honestly feel I'll let you go."

She blinked. "R… Really? You're going to just untie me? Now?"

"You sound disappointed."

"I am just surprised you would go this far and not…"

Kazuma smiled down at her. "Not what?"

She turned her head to avoid looking at him. "Y… You know."

"No, I've got no clue. What exactly were you expecting to happen?"

"W… Well, you're an absolute f… fiend c… consumed by lust. With me helpless, of course you would… I mean… I… I wouldn't be able to resist if you…. if you were to…"

"What?" He asked sounding confused.

"Have your way with me!" She half shouted.

Kazuma's grin was from ear to ear. He'd honestly never imagined torturing Darkness could be this much fun. Knowing her tastes made her such an easy target!

"Is that a request?"

"W… What?"

"Is that what you're asking me for?" Kazuma said as calm as could be. "For me to have my way with you?"

He watched her mouth open and shut as she struggled to answer.

As she did so he put his lips right beside her ear and spike just barely loud enough for her to hear. "I'll do it if you want, but you'll have to beg me."

"B… B… Beg? W… Why would I beg you to… to… VIOLATE ME!" She gasped and shuddered. Her whole body was shaking, and he could see her squeezing her thighs together.

"Oh? So, you want me to let you go instead? I'm going to do one or the other. I'll let you decide. Do I untie you and let you go, or do I spend the rest of the night violating you and making you scream out my name?" He licked the side of her neck making her whimper. "Which is it going to be?"

She stared at him wide eyed and struggled to breathe. "K… K… Kazuma, I w… want you t… to… to…"

"Yessssss?" He ran his fingers along her back. "Which is it? I need you to be nice clear."

She swallowed. "I… I want you to…"

There was a sudden knock on his front door.

Both he and Darkness were startled.

"K… Kazuma! Did you invite someone to join in?! You animal! You beast! I won't submit no matter what you do to me!"

Kazuma's first thought was to ignore it and continue. But then he reminded himself that this was a dream. If there was a knock at the door it had to mean there was a surprise waiting there for him. _Hey! Maybe it's Chris with a huge rack and she just happens to be looking for Darkness! _The possibilities made him rub his hands together as he headed to the bedroom door.

"I'll be right back with some company." He shut the bedroom door before she could reply.

Kazuma hurried to the front door and threw it open to find a loli succubus in a garter belt and black top. He was kind of surprised. He didn't mind having a sexy succubus join in, the blonde one he'd met before was much more to his liking than this little girl.

The succubus loli immediately bowed. "Please forgive this intrusion master, we usually prefer to remain hidden from sight while we work. Unfortunately, I've been waiting for over an hour now and you still haven't fallen asleep. So, I had no choice but to intervene directly. Is there a reason why you are still not asleep?"

"Huh?" He stood there confused.

She rubbed at her chin and looked equally confused. "You are aware that you have to fall asleep before I can perform the service? Are you suffering from insomnia?"

"What are you talking about? I'm already in the middle of my sex dream."

The succubus blinked at him. "No, master, you are most definitely wide awake."

Kazuma started to get a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He pinched his arm and felt it. "Oh. Fuck. Me."

"I'm happy to master, but you have to fall asleep first."

XXX

A very confused and now fully dressed Darkness was standing in the middle of Kazuma's living room holding her brand new magical broadsword. In front of her Kazuma was on his knees, head touching the floor.

"Again, I sincerely apologize! I never meant to take things as far as I did!"

"So… it was all a test to see if I sincerely wanted this sword?"

Kazuma remained on his knees as he looked up at her and violently nodded. "That's right! I thought you just wanted it for show and so there'd be no point in you having it! It's not like you can actually use it or anything. If you could I'd have given it to you right away. But if it was just going to be a decoration then I figured it was better to sell it so that someone who really needs it could eventually get their hands on it."

"I see," she replied in a solemn tone. "I suppose that does make sense."

"Right. So, when you knocked on my door and woke me up, I thought I would just embarrass you a little and make you admit you didn't need a magical sword. I kept expecting you to refuse and walk away. So, when you didn't, I decided to keep escalating things. They got totally out of control and for that I deeply apologize!"

She nodded. "I understand."

"I realize that if you were willing to go that far to get the sword that it really mattered to you, so it's yours!"

She blushed and he saw her knees knock together. "So, it really was all just a test?"

"Yes! Absolutely!"

"And you never intended to…"

"No! No! No! I would never do that to you, I swear!"

"You don't have to be so happy about it," she muttered.

"Sorry," Kazuma said nervously. Since kicking out the succubus he'd been imaging her strangling him to death or literally beating him to a bloody pulp. "What was that?"

"Nothing," she said.

"So, ah, we good?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Why wouldn't we be?"

Kazuma breathed a sigh of relief.

She rubbed at her arm and avoided looking at him. "As usual, you have a very effective way of making a point. You truly are savage, but I suppose it was the only way to get through to me."

"Huh?"

"I… If you should ever require to teach me another lesson, p… please do not hesitate to use any methods you feel are necessary. I p… promise to endure them without complaint! Good night!"

Without another word Darkness bolted out the door. Kazuma felt all the strength drain from his body and stretched out on the living room floor, grateful to be alive.

XXX

The following morning Kazuma headed into the guild. He just wanted all the craziness from last night to be forgotten. He was surprised to see a small crow had gathered just outside entrance. As he approached, he was stunned to see everyone had gathered to watch Darkness training. She was wielding her new magical broadsword and using it to slice apart straw training dummies. She was actually hitting things with a sword!

When the other adventurers saw him, they all turned in his direction and applauded. Kazuma had no idea what was going on until Darkness ran up to him, sword in hand and looking pleased with herself.

"Kazuma! Kazuma!"

"Uh, yes? I'm Kazuma."

"I finally understood what you were trying to tell me last night. That if I want to carry a sword like this, I need to treat it seriously! That I have an obligation to put it to proper use rather than simply carry it on my hip. That's why I deleted Advanced Parry and have used the skill points to acquire Swordsmanship and One-Handed Fighting Style! Thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson!"

He stared at her a moment. "Uh, your welcome?"

As Darkness went back to training Luna approached him. "Kazuma, how did you convince Darkness to learn offensive skills? First Megumin now this! Everyone is saying you must be the greatest party leader in the history of the guild! What's your secret?"

"Apparently that dumb luck can solve anything." He headed inside determined to get drunk.


	22. The three things we believe in

It had been a couple of months and it was now early summer.

Kazuma was up in a tree branch, bow in hand. Megumin was sitting in a lower branch on the same tree. Down on the ground Darkness was already fidgeting. They were located on a hilltop with a clear view of the surrounding lands.

"Can I?" Darkness called up.

"Yeah, go ahead." Kazuma replied.

With an eager grin she unscrewed a clay jar and poured out enough liquid to fill the cap before splashing it on herself. Kazuma had been _very _explicit about what he would do to her if he used more than a capful. A few minutes passed without event. Then from over a mile away they heard a lone howl. Other quickly joined in until there was a chorus of monstrous howls.

"That got their attention," Kazuma said. "There are around forty of them." From the tree top he could see a dust cloud being kicked up heading their way. Even without his Detect Enemy skill he would have known they were coming and from what direction.

"What a nice big target," Megumin said, trying hard to hide her excitement. "You know, I could-"

"Don't even think about it," Kazuma nocked an arrow and got ready.

Megumin 'hmmphed' and frowned but didn't argue.

"Get ready!" Kazuma called down.

"Ready!" Darkness called back, sword in hand and almost jumping in place. "Please take your time! I promise to endure no matter how much they may bite and tear into me! Please show no concern for my safety!"

Kazuma sighed and shifted focus back to what was coming. At this point he was used to darkness and there was no point telling her to be careful. He saw the pack burst out of the forest and begin charging up the hill. They looked like ordinary grey wolves except for being six to eight feet at the shoulder. As he watched, one tripped a wire he'd set up earlier that morning. A branch that had been tied down swung out, three wooden spikes had been tied to it. The direwolf that had tripped the wire was impaled through the side of its chest, it gave out a mournful wail before it died. None of the other direwolves slowed down or even took notice.

Kazuma saw another wolf fall into a pit filled with spikes. Another charged through an ordinary looking bush, only to impale itself on a row of stakes. Three monsters killed before they'd even gotten a quarter of the way up the hill. _Not a bad start_, he thought and let go of the arrow.

"Snipe! Snipe! Snipe!" He shot his arrows as fast as he could draw them and pull back his bow string. The wolves were swift, they could run down horses, and the hill was wooded, giving them cover. But they were big targets and with his Detect Enemy skill he knew exactly where they were. Every shot hit and the arrows buried themselves into the thick hides. The problem was none of them were kill shots. The direwolves had thick hides, at this distance the only place he could be lethal was the eye. His luck stat meant he always hit, but as fast as they were going, he couldn't hit a wolf's eye.

Sitting on her branch Megumin lifted her staff over her head. "Lightning Bolt!" Electricity shot from the end of her staff and forked out, the bolt struck three monsters, making them glow and twitch for an instant. Three smoking corpses crumpled to the ground as the remainder of the pack kept charging towards Darkness.

Kazuma kept sniping while Megumin cast another lightning bolt killing two more of the creatures. That was all they could do before they charged straight into Darkness. The very first one to reach her, the pack leader, had its jaws wide open and was leaping towards her head. Darkness stood her ground, with one clean, swift swing of her she sliced clean though its neck. The head fell away as blood gushed out and coated the crusader. The remaining direwolves let loose a howl and came at her fangs bared. She split another one's head in two and chopped a couple more in twain. The thick hides that could blunt his arrows might as well have been paper when it came to her magical blade.

"Kazuma! Do you see this?! Do you? I'm a true crusader!"

"Yeah! I can see! Don't get cocky!" Even after a couple months she was still not used to being competent with a sword. "Snipe! Snipe! Snipe!"

Now that they were no longer running at full speed Kazuma could hit them like a marksman. Three of the beasts were killed with arrows straight through their eyes.

"Blast!" An explosion not five feet from Darkness sent half a dozen monster into the air.

Despite the arrows, magic, and her best efforts several direwolves were able to sink their teeth into her.

"They're biting me!" Darkness cried out. "They're trying to tear me apart!" Her shouts didn't sound the least bit frightened. They were quite joyous. And even with direwolves chomping down on her and refusing to let go, the crusader had no issue continuing to swing her sword about.

After just a few minutes it was all over. Kazuma and Megumin climbed down onto a pile of corpses. Darkness was coated in blood from head to toe. Her armor was damaged and there were bite size gouges in her clothing, but Darkness had come through without a scratch.

"You all right?" Kazuma asked.

Though drenched in red Darkness nodded. "I am fine, though it was terrifying. Those beasts were trying to devour me." She let loose an exultant sigh.

"You're very brave," Kazuma did his best not to sound too snarky. "Anyway, lets get to work." He handed one of his throwing knives to Darkness who accepted it without comment. He handed another one to Megumin who did not look pleased. Kazuma then took 'Sting' his ten-inch-long magical dagger.

"Why so I have to do something so icky?" Megumin complained. "I'm am archwizard and a young woman."

"As equal members of this party we should share the labors equally," Darkness said.

"If you don't want to help you don't have to," Kazuma told her. "But then you don't get a share of the pelts."

The reward was 250,000 eris per direwolf killed. There was also a high demand for direwolf pelts. Before setting out Kazuma had gotten a deal from a tailor to pay 100,000 for every intact pelt and 40,000 for any that were no longer whole but still usable. Megumin grumbled a bit but eventually got to work. Along with skinning the direwolves Kazuma also had to go around the base of the hill taking apart the traps that hadn't been sprung. All that took much longer than the actual battle had.

As they were leaving Megumin pulled out her adventurer's card. As soon as she checked there was a smug grin on her face.

"Ha! I'm level thirty-five now and I got a new skill point."

"Are you going to-" Before Kazuma could complete the sentence he saw her swipe her finger across her card.

"One more into Elite Explosion."

Kazuma didn't look happy. "That's a waste. You've already maxed out Greater, Supreme, and Elite. You're just throwing away your skill points now!"

"They're my skill points and I can do what I want with them," she stuck her tongue out at him. "I've got Fireball, Blast, Greater Freeze, and Teleportation. I learned all of those because _you _wanted me to. Isn't that enough?"

"I asked you to get those spells, so you'd be more useful for the party. You've already maxed out Explosion as much as you can. Isn't it a waste to keep dumping skill points into it?"

"Even if I'm not learning any more new spells the more skill points I have the more powerful the result will be. So, it's not a waste!"

"Because being a nuke isn't enough," he muttered. "It needs to be an even bigger nuke."

"Huh?" Megumin looked uncertain.

"Don't worry about it," Kazuma sighed.

"I still think it's unfair I can't use Explosion whenever I want."

"If I could trust you not to use it on the first squirrel you spot it'd be fine."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm not that bad! I can stop any time I want!"

"Oh? So, I don't have to take you out of town every day just to blow up an empty field? Great!"

"Wait! I never said I wanted to stop! Just that I could!"

He gave her a flat stare. "Uh huh."

She began to fidget and press her index fingers together. "Uhm, speaking of which, the mission is over, and you don't need any more magic from me. Soooo…"

He sighed. "Go ahead."

With a triumphant smile she lifted her staff. "Split open the sky and shake the earth! Let the sound of destruction echo and fill every ear! Explooooooooosion!"

The hilltop where they'd fought was suddenly a mass of flame and ruin. Trees and earth were blasted into pieces. Megumin toppled over with a content smile. Without comment Kazuma lifted her onto his back. Darkness had all the wolf pelts tied up into a single huge bale. Together they headed back.

"So, did you check your level yet?" Megumin asked as she limply rode on Kazuma's back.

He pulled out his card. "Yeah, I went up, I'm twenty-eight now. Darkness?"

She checked her own card. "No, I am still at level twenty-three."

"Any chance when you do go up you pick an offensive skill this time?" After getting One Handed Fighting Style and Swordsmanship she gone right back to hoarding defensive skills again. With her insane strength, just being competent with a sword had made her one of the top fighters in the entire country. Kazuma would have liked to have seen what she would be like if she became an actual expert with her sword though.

Her face blushed and she took a sudden interested in the plants growing by the roadside. "I'll think about it," she promised.

"Which means you won't do it. Don't you think you'd get more out of Greater Swordsmanship than Supreme Physical Resistance?"

"I… I'll think about it."

"Hey," Megumin complained. "They're her skill points. She should use them however she wants. You don't hear us complain when you waste yours on something useless like, 'Negotiation.'"

"You think that's useless?! None of the tailors offered more that 20,000 eris for a direwolf skin when I went in to talk to them. It's a luck-based skill, so for me having it is the same as a license to print money."

"Yeah, well everyone should get to choose their own skills without you trying to bully them."

"I'm not a bully, I'm just the only one with any common sense."

"Whatever," Megumin muttered.

XXX

They collected payment at the tailor before returning to the guild. All together the party earned more than thirteen million eris for a single day's work. They were about to settle down for a celebratory meal when Luna approached them. Walking just behind her was an attractive blonde woman with a bronze complexion and a flower in her hair.

"Ah, Kazuma?" Luna asked sounding a bit nervous.

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"We've just received a special request for an escort mission," Luna's hands kept opening and closing as she spoke. "The customer is specifically asking for you. She wants you to accompany her on a six-hour carriage ride to the nearby town Lancaster. She is offering a payment of one hundred thousand eris, as well as pay both for a night's stay at an inn and the carriage ride back in the morning."

"Lancaster?" Kazuma said in surprise. "That's a really safe location isn't it? Why would anyone need a bodyguard?"

The girl stepped forward, clasping her hands together. "I know it's foolish, but I would just feel so much safer traveling if I had THE Satou Kazuma there to protect me. Everyone says you're so amazing! It would be such a thrill to have you sharing a carriage with me!"

Kazuma grinned and puffed out his chest. Meanwhile Darkness was frowning.

"Kazuma, isn't this a bit suspicious?"

"What do you mean? It sounds perfectly reasonable to me."

"But-"

Without waiting to hear Darkness out Kazuma stepped up to the young woman and spoke in a deeper voice. "I'd be honored to escort you and make sure you get here safe and sound."

"Wonderful!" The girl eagerly took hold of his arm.

Luna stood there watching with a cheerless smile.

XXX

Shortly after Kazuma and the girl departed Luna approached Darkness and Megumin.

"I'm very sorry about this," Luna bowed to them.

"What are you apologizing for?" Darkness asked.

Luna paused and considered her words. "That escort mission just now? Well, it sort of has an ulterior motive."

"What do you mean?" She demanded. "Is Kazuma in some kind of danger?"

"No, no, no!" Luna waved her hands in front of her. "It nothing like that! The escort mission is just as safe and easy as you think. It's just that the reason behind it is a bit, well deceptive."

Darkness frowned. "I don't care for deception, what exactly is this about?"

Luna sighed. "Recruitment. In general, the guild frowns on trying to recruit members of established parties, but there's no formal rule against it. And, well, the guild received a special request from the royal court. So, we sort of have to cooperate."

"What?! Someone's trying to recruit Kazuma?!"

Luna shook her head. "No, not Kazuma."

There was a stir in the guild. Darkness looked to the door and saw a Blue haired archpriestess, a sword master in plate armor, and a small crowd entering. They spotted where Darkness and Megumin were and headed straight for them.

XXX

Kazuma and the young woman were in the carriage and rolling out of town.

"So, I guess we've got the next six hours to talk and get to know each other," Kazuma said in his manliest voice. "Would you like to hear about some of my amazing adventures?"

"Actually," as if by magic the girl suddenly produced half a dozen colorful brochures. "I'd like to talk to you about the Axis Church and why you should devote yourself to serving the goddess Aqua."

Kazuma stared at her wide eyed before letting out a one-word shriek. "WHAT?!"

"The goddess Aqua stands for love, happiness, and not padding your chest. We believe…"

It was going to be a very, very, very long trip.


	23. Everything you could ask for and more

Of course, both Darkness and Megumin recognized Mitsurugi and Aqua. Trailing a couple steps behind were five women who were probably adventurers. They were all very attractive and none of them were wearing an abundance of clothing. One was a gorgeous blonde elf with a longbow and quiver on her back dressed in a green halter top and short shorts. One was a big boobed brunette with long curly black hair with a great sword and chainmail bikini. Another was apparently a mage. She had a wand, a pointy hat, a blue and silver cape, and not much else. Her hips, belly, and shoulders were all on open display.

Besides the adventurers were five others, three men and two women, dressed in more typical clothing. They were spreading out through the guild hall, each carrying a stack of brightly colored brochures and talking to people at the bar or sitting down to a meal. Darkness overheard one of the men greeting a table.

"Hello! I wonder if you have a moment to talk about the wonders and joy the goddess Aqua could bring to your life!"

As the party was approaching them Megumin came to stand right beside her. The girl had an eager expression.

"We're getting recruited? And by _Mitsurugi_?! The guy who killed one of the Devil King's generals? This is awesome!"

Darkness turned and frowned at her. "Are you really going to be disloyal to Kazuma and our party?"

"Of course not. It's just, you know, nice to be wanted. I had to beg in the streets for a while because no one would have me. It's nice having someone recognize my genius for a change."

Darkness wanted to reply to that but Mitsurugi and Aqua had come up to them by that point. The other girls who seemed to make up the party were hanging a few steps further back. Mitsurugi opened his mouth to address them. Before he could get a word out the blue haired archpriestess spoke.

"Hello. I am the goddess, Aqua. I've decided to rescue the both of you from your horrible situations and give you the chance to be part of a real party and help me save this world. I'm sure you're both incredibly grateful. If you want to show me your gratitude an expensive bottle of wine will be a good start."

Both Darkness and Megumin stood there and stared at the girl for a moment.

"Goddess?" Darkness asked.

"Grateful?" Megumin questioned.

Mitsurugi stepped up and placed a gentle hand on Aqua's shoulder. "Aqua-sama, we've talked about this."

She gave him a put-upon look. "Hmmph, just kidding about being a goddess. I'm only an archpriestess and saint of the Axis Church."

"Church?" Darkness asked. "I've always heard them referred to as a cult."

"What?!" Aqua barked. "We are absolutely a church! Why would you call us a cult?!"

"Because everyone else does?"

"That's just jealously," Aqua said shaking a fist. "I'm obviously the best goddess and so my followers are a church! All the other religions attack us because they know we're awesome and everyone would join if they could!"

Darkness glanced to where adventurers were trying desperately to ignore the various sales pitches being given to them. One of the Axis followers was in a headlock.

"You just called yourself a goddess again," Megumin pointed out. "Have you been drinking?"

"What?!"

Mitsurugi stepped forward. "Please forgive Aqua-sama. She is very passionate in her beliefs and gets carried away sometimes. Still, it is a little insulting to call the Axis Church a cult. We are all devoted followers and do everything we can to spread the word."

The guy in the headlock was now being punched in the face. The other followers were still talking to different tables as though this were the norm. Darkness noted the women standing behind Mitsurugi nodded at his statement but didn't look especially enthusiastic.

"Well, as I am a devoted follower of Eris, I respect other faiths but have no wish to join them."

"Why would you want to worship that loser?" Aqua demanded. "You know she pads her chest, right?"

Darkness and Megumin both stared at her. Mitsurugi leaned over and whispered something in her ear.

"Oh, yeah, I bet everyone would be amazed if I showed them my party tricks!" Aqua produced a couple fans from thin air and wandered off.

"Aqua-sama is very, very passionate about her faith," Mitsurugi had an apologetic grin. "I know she sometimes makes a bad first impression, but she is a wondrous person filled with devotion and the greatest of wisdom."

She had jumped up on a table and was making water stream out of her fans.

"Is she really a saint?" Darkness asked with doubt. "Don't people normally only get sainthood after they die?"

"Well that's true," Mitsurugi admitted. "But I made a substantial donation to the church on her behalf."

"Really? How much does sainthood cost?"

Mitsurugi looked uncomfortable. "That doesn't matter does it?"

"It was five hundred million eris," a scantily clad red head said. "He handed over half a billion eris just because Aqua asked him to."

Mitsurugi turned back to the girl. "Anna, we've talked about this, I was happy to do it."

"But she just uses you! You give her everything she wants and all she does is go shopping and drinking!" The other girls all silently nodded.

"We'll talk about this later," he turned back to Darkness and Megumin. "Listen, my goal is to defeat the Devil King and I am trying to put together the strongest party possible to do just that. People have been talking about the two of you. I want to recruit you both to join my team."

"I refuse," Darkness replied instantly. When Megumin remained silent Darkness looked at her.

"Shouldn't we at least here him out? He did come all this way, right?"

"If you're rejecting my offer because of what happened before I want you to know I've forgiven you."

Darkness raised an eyebrow. "Why would I need forgiveness for defending my friend and party member?"

He sighed. "Listen, the two of you don't realize it, but Kazuma is using you. You don't understand what that guy really is."

"I think I should warn you that if you continue to speak ill of Kazuma I may feel the need to punch you again."

Mitsurugi grimaced. "Your loyalty is wasted on that guy; he doesn't deserve it."

Darkness cracked her knuckles.

"I don't think Kazuma is nearly as bad as you're making him out to be," Megumin said. "Sure, he's a perv and a bully and can be a real jerk face sometimes, but he's also brave, a good leader, and knows how to get things done."

"That's right!" Darkness nodded vehemently. "There's no way either of us would be as strong as we are now if not for him."

Mitsurugi crossed his arms and shook his head. "You're giving him credit he doesn't deserve. You," he pointed to Darkness. "Are the daughter of a great family and have been blessed with amazing defensive abilities. You," he pointed to Megumin. "Are a member of the Crimson Demon Clan. That you're an archwizard at such a young age is a testament to your unlimited potential. I'm sure both of you would have become powerful without any help from that guy."

Darkness looked embarrassed when he brought up her background and glanced about to see if anyone had overheard. Megumin puffed out her chest and planted a foot on a nearby table while giving her cape a dramatic flair.

"Heh, heh, heh, it pleases me to have my greatness acknowledged! It's true! I am the greatest of the Crimson Demon Clan. I am not surprised you would want the immense power that I wield."

Darkness sent him a stony glare. "I would never be so disloyal to Kazuma. He stood by me when no one else would and I will stand by him too, to the end."

"Then will you join me?" He held a hand out to the preening arch wizard. "Megumin, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will help continue your training. With our combined might we can end this destructive conflict and bring peace and order to this world!"

Megumin paused and licked her lips. "_If _I joined you would you agree to let me only cast explosion magic? Let me cast it whenever I please? And agree to carry me on your back after each time I use it?"

Mitsurugi blinked. "Carry you on my back?"

The girl's cheeks blushed, and she looked embarrassed. "Ah, well, when I cast Explosion it drains me of all my mana, and I can't move for a while."

"In that case shouldn't it be a spell of last resort? Can't you just use other-"

"I refuse!" Megumin shouted and jumped completely atop the table and began waving her staff about violently. "I love explosion magic more than anything! If I join you have to let me cast it without restriction! If you have a problem with that then I'd rather stay right where I am! No matter how much of a perv and bully Kazuma is he's a good leader and I can count on him!"

"Megumin!" Darkness barked. "How can you turn your back on Kazuma and me?"

She looked at the other girl with genuine regret. "I don't want to. I think you're both great. Kazuma saved my life and he's the one who convinced me to learn other spells. I owe him a lot."

"Then how can you even consider leaving our party?"

"Because I love Explosion more than anything! I want to be able to follow that love without restrictions and without limits! If I can find that how can I say no?" It sounded as if it hurt Megumin to say those words, but she still said them.

"I'll agree to your terms," Mitsurugi said.

"Really?" Megumin cried out. "You'll let me use Explosion as I please and carry me around afterwards?"

He nodded. "I already have Rachel who is a skilled wizard," he nodded to the girl behind him dressed as a spell caster. "So, I can afford to have a specialist. Even if it's only once per day, I'm sure your Explosion magic will be incredibly powerful. Besides, I know just how difficult it is to recruit a Crimson Demon Clan member."

Megumin puffed out her chest again. "Yeah, we are legendary."

Mitsurugi nodded. "I've been to your home village and seen some of your clan's magics. I tried to recruit someone to join my party, but no one was willing. Ah, also there was a slight incident with Aqua-sama freeing a paralyzed griffin which didn't help. Very few of your clan seem willing to leave their home, in fact I only know of one other. A girl named Yun Yun. I was also planning to find her and-"

"You don't need her!" Megumin said quickly. "She's a total idiot who would only cause you problems! Since you have me on the team now there's no reason to go look for her."

Mitsurugi smiled. "Does this mean you'll join the party?"

Megumin sent a glance to Darkness who looked heart broken. "I'm sorry but-"

At this moment Aqua wandered back over and made her fans disappear. "So, have you two decided to join the party already? You should both be on your knees thanking me for saving you from that useless NEET."

Darkness frowned at the other woman. "I don't know what a NEET is, but the way you use that word it's obviously meant as an insult. I know you were former partners and that you abandoned him. Even so you should be more respectful of Kazuma."

"Hey! I didn't abandon anyone! It's that NEET's fault I'm stuck here in the first place! Honestly, I'm amazed he's still alive. He couldn't do anything without me there to hold his hand. When I decided to join Mitsurugi he cried and cried and begged me not to go. He was clinging to my foot as I left. I never met anyone so useless."

"Didn't you get yourself swallowed by a giant toad twice within five minutes and need Kazuma to rescue you both times?"

"Gak!" She looked momentarily traumatized but shook it off. "That… that happened a long time ago. Anyway, are you joining me or not? Most people would kill to be in my party!"

"Well die certainly," the red headed Anna muttered.

"What?" A suddenly alarmed Megumin asked.

"Well, somehow we keep running into ambushes and other bad situations. No one is really sure why." Anna and the other girls all glared at Aqua as this was said. Aqua did not appear to notice. "Everyone in the party except for Aqua and Mitsurugi has been killed at least twice. For instance, I got eaten by a pack of lions."

"I was crushed in a landslide and thrown off a cliff," the mage Rachel announced.

"Eaten by goblins," another girl said.

"Fell into a volcano."

"Eaten by a dragon."

Hearing all this Darkness's cheeks blushed and her breathing got a bit heavier. It didn't make her want to change her mind, but she couldn't help but feel a bit envious. The color was draining from Megumin's face.

"What's the problem?" Aqua asked. "I can resurrect you as many times as you need."

"What? You think it's _fun _getting ripped to pieces by a pack of lions?!" Anna demanded.

"It sounds it," Darkness muttered beneath her breath. She forced the jealousy down.

"Plus, we don't really make that much," Anna said.

"You don't?" Megumin said in surprise. "But aren't you always going on important, high paying quests?"

"Yeah, but half the reward money gets donated to the church. And all party expenses like food, lodging, and drink have to be paid out before we collect our share." Anna and the other girls once again glared at an oblivious Aqua.

Mitsurugi stepped forward to try and calm the waters. "Hey, we're all members of the Axis Church. We need to make sacrifices to support our beliefs."

Megumin held up her hand. "Okay, I'm not a member. Why should I have to donate half of my share?"

Aqua gave her a wide smile. "You can't join the party unless you worship me." Mitsurugi coughed into his hand. "I mean the goddess Aqua. When we beat the Devil King and save this world everyone will know it was the Axis Church that did it! Everyone will be fighting each other to join! After I go back to heaven you can be a bishop if you want! Isn't that worth half your money? It's a bargain!"

Megumin stared at her with her jaw open, then turned to Mitsurugi. "Hey, you're not going to force me to join a religion if I don't want to, are you?"

"It's fine," he assured her. "Once you learn about how wonderful the goddess Aqua is you'll love being one of the faithful."

Megumin looked about the room. The five girls standing behind Mitsurugi were frowning and the one named Anna was rolling her eyes. Throughout the hall the adventurers were all doing their best to ignore the cultists trying to recruit them. The guy who'd been in a headlock was currently lying unconscious on the floor.

"So, are you leaving that stupid NEET and joining my happy little flock or what?" Aqua asked.

"Hell no!" Megumin jumped down from the table top to stand next to Darkness. "I would never ever abandon my beloved teammates! How could you even think that of me?"

Darkness gave her an annoyed look but didn't say anything.

XXX

An exhausted Kazuma hauled himself into the guild hall late the following afternoon.

"You guys would not believe what a horrible day I had. I was trapped in a carriage for six whole hours with this crazy girl who… what are you guys doing?"

Luna and Megumin were both bowing to him. They explained what had happened and why. Darkness stood a short distance away and confirmed everything that was said.

"Wow," he finally said. "You both really tried to screw me, huh?"

Luna bowed even more deeply. "We're very, very sorry. It was a request from his majesty, we really couldn't refuse."

Kazuma sighed. "Give me and Darkness free food and drinks for the next six months and I'll forgive you."

Luna grimaced, but agreed. If their party were to abandon Axel that would cost the guild far more.

Kazuma then looked at Megumin. "No explosions for two weeks."

"What?! That's totally not fair!"

"Three weeks."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"

In the end they agreed on fifteen days. And Kazuma stole (and kept) her panties.


	24. A kids game

Kazuma knew this world had printing presses. He'd realized that the first time he'd seen paper money. He had also spotted a few books and occasionally there would be wanted posters not only in the guild hall but plastered on every shop window and guard post. The posters would have an image of the person and a list of their crimes along with the offered reward all in block letters. This world, or at least this kingdom, used words made up of letters from an alphabet as opposed to kanji like in Japan. There were no newspapers though and no libraries or bookstores. Books were mostly for scholars and researchers and were expensive. People in this world didn't really have the concept of reading as a leisure activity. What people in this world mostly did for fun was sing or go to plays or drink or play games. Games were _very _popular in this world. Kazuma couldn't remember one time walking into the guild and not spotting at least one card game going on. This was morning, noon, or night.

Yes, games in this world were quite popular, and card games were common.

He was sitting in the guild hall one day idly watching the members of another party playing this world's version of poker. They were using copper and silver coins as chips. Kazuma had learned the rules and really liked the game. Unfortunately, no one in the guild hall would play him anymore. And the handful of gambling dens in Axel had threatened to break his arms if he ever visited them. He couldn't really blame them as his luck made any game of chance he participated in completely unfair. Well… he didn't blame them too much.

Even before coming to this world he'd always kicked ass in games. He'd never once lost at rock, paper, scissors. He'd been a total bad ass in all the different RPG and online quest games he'd played. Even as a little kid he'd always ruled at the games played in the cafeteria between classes. It was remembering some of those sessions that gave him a thought.

"Hey, Darkness, what kinds of games do kids in this world play?"

"Games?" She sounded startled. "Well, girls play mostly with dolls. Boys play with balls or with toy swords." Darkness smiled fondly. "I was an exception. I never played with dolls, I pretended to be a knight and made the boys 'duel' me with wooden swords."

Kazuma raised an eyebrow. "By duel I'm guessing you stood there and let all of them beat on you as much as they liked."

Her cheeks reddened. "W… Wh…. What?! I would n… never do any such thing!"

Kazuma rolled his eyes. "Sure. Anyway, do boys ever play card games?"

"Cards?" Darkness looked and sounded confused. "Card games are for adults; children usually don't start to play them until they are at least in their teens."

"That so?" Kazuma began rubbing his hands together.

"Hey, you're not thinking of getting little kids to gamble with you, are you?" Megumin accused. "Even for a panty thief like you that would be pretty low."

"Kazuma," Darkness said frowning. "You're not are you? Children shouldn't gamble."

"No! Geez, what kind of guy do you think I am?"

"The kind who steals a girl's panties and keeps them," Megumin said.

"You deserved it." Kazuma finished off his ale and stood. "Darkness, do you know where I can find a print shop?"

"Print shop?" She sounded more confused than ever.

XXX

It turned out that except for the banks there was only one printing press in Axel. Not surprisingly the banks only used theirs to print currency and didn't allow outside orders. The one printing press that was available belonged to a blacksmith names Samuel and was located in a small side room attached to his smithy. Working as a smith was his main occupation and source of income. He kept the printing press as a minor side business. He would occasionally get orders for wanted posters, invitations, and a handful of texts. When Samuel showed the press to him there was a light layer of dust on it.

"I don't get more than five or six orders a year," the muscular blacksmith told him. "It doesn't bring in much, but then I do all the work myself and the customers have to pay for the paper and ink, so at least it doesn't cost me anything."

Kazuma stared at the machine. It was hand operated of course and didn't look very impressive. But it was functional, and the owner knew how to operate it.

"Could you make cards with this?"

"Cards? As in playing cards?"

"That's right."

Samuel rubbed at his chin. "Don't see why not, so long as you provide the paper and ink. Would you need me to cut them too?"

Kazuma nodded. "How much would it cost me?"

"I charge 5,000 eris for each 100 sheets I print, and 5,000 is the minimum no matter how small the job is. It's not worth the trouble of setting up the blocks otherwise. There's no extra charge for cutting the sheets down though, and like I said before you have to pay for all the materials."

Kazuma grinned and held his hand out. "Sounds reasonable, I should have some work for you within the next few days."

Samuel shook his hand. "That's fine, just come by any time."

Kazuma could have used his Negotiation skill to get a lower price, but deliberately decided not to. The price being charged was already pretty reasonable, and if things worked out the way he hoped he'd have a lot more work for this guy. It was a good idea to keep things on friendly terms and not try to squeeze every eris out of him that he could.

Darkness waited until they left the shop to speak up. "Kazuma, are you planning to go into business making playing cards?"

"Something like that."

She frowned. "I don't know much about business, but there are already a bunch of businesses that make them. And playing cards are common. I don't really see how you are going to make much of a profit from this."

"Oh, theses cards won't be for the regular games everyone here plays. They'll be for a kid's game they play where I'm from."

Darkness clasped her hands together. "You mean from Japan?! That savage and barbaric place where restaurants have young girls dress up as maids and serve men while they demean themselves and call everyone 'master?'"

On the long walks going to and from adventures he'd shared a few more stories about home with Darkness to help pass the time.

"That's right. It was very popular with the boys there and I think the ones here might like it too."

Her cheeks blushed. "K… Kazuma, you said these games are for _children_. They wouldn't have c… certain _adult _ themes to them, would they? While I am sure in your country that is normal, here parents would be very offended with that sort of thing."

He sent her an annoyed look. "Geez! Seriously! What kind of guy do you think I am?"

She looked away as her cheeks got even more red. "The s… sort who w… would t… tie a woman to a bed and… and…"

"You deserved it," he grumbled and picked up his pace. "By the way, do you know any artists?"

"Artists?" She said in confusion.

"Yeah, I suck at drawing."

She looked more confused than ever.

XXX

Darkness didn't know anyone like that. Kazuma had to ask around but eventually found someone who drew some and was pretty good at it. Much as with Samuel, Hapsburg didn't make a living as an artist. Apparently only a handful of people could do that and all of them had royal patronage that allowed them to focus on just art. Hapsburg was a full-time carpenter who just drew because he liked it. He occasionally did requests for friends but didn't make any money from it. When Kazuma approached him about doing a whole series of drawings and inscriptions in exchange for payment he was very eager to accept. Kazuma agreed to pay him 1,000 eris for each card design, and he wanted a hundred of them. Hapsburg was thrilled with the chance to earn 100,000 eris just from drawing.

This actually took over a week because Kazuma needed to oversee the drawings to make sure they were what he wanted. In the meantime, he also found suppliers for the paper and ink he needed.

Throughout this entire process Darkness accompanied him. She was still confused about what he was up to but was getting more and more fascinated by this strange process.

"You want me to use six different colored inks?" Samuel asked when the drawings for the cards were finally complete.

"That's right. Is that a problem?"

"All the prints I've ever done were all just black ink. Why would anyone need more than that?"

Now that Kazuma thought about it, the playing cards and wanted posters he'd seen were all made with just black ink. The only printing he'd ever seen with color used was for money. The paper currency came in green, blue, or gold depending on which bank it was from. But then all the currency also had a magical seal on it too. So Kazuma supposed it was an exception and that color printing was rare in this world.

Kazuma shrugged. "Colors are beautiful and eye catching. You've got to make them something worth looking at."

Samuel frowned and nodded to his press. "It would be a lot more work for me."

"I'll pay an extra 1,000 eris per hundred sheets. I want you to run 1,000 sheets, so that'll come to 60,000 eris total. That sound fair?" He was using his Negotiation skill.

Samuel thought about it for a moment and soon nodded his head and got busy readying the press. You could get 200 cards from a single sheet. So, when he was done there would be a total of 200,000 playing cards, with 2,000 of each individual type. When all of them were done and cut down to size he and Darkness brought them to his home.

XXX

"HeroMon," Darkness read the word printed on the back of the card she was holding. She flipped it over. There was the image of a busty, blonde haired woman in plate armor holding a broadsword. She read the lettering beneath the image. "Crusader. Attack 5. Defense 95. Hit Points 80. Special Ability: 50% resistance to all magical and special attacks." She smirked at Kazuma. "You turned me into a playing card in a children's game. I am not sure if I should be flattered or insulted."

"Be flattered, I could have made your special ability 100% vulnerable to bondage based attacks."

"So cruel!" She gasped and hugged herself.

Kazuma took out a different card. This one had the image of a loli in a red and brown outfit, staff, and pointy hat. The hem of her robe was lifted up as if caught in a breeze and you could very clearly see black panties. The description beneath read: Crimson Demon Archmage. Magical Attack 100. Defense 0. Hit Points 5. Special Ability: Can only attack once. After attack becomes immobile and cannot be removed from the field.

"So, what happens next?" Darkness asked.

"Well, I'll separate the cards into decks of fifty each. That'll give me 4,000 starter decks."

"Do you really expect to be able to sell so many? I mean, I'll admit they're quite lovely. Much prettier than regular playing cards. But do you really think young boys will want to play with them?"

"Well, I admit marketing is going to be a little harder without an anime or commercials."

"What are anime and commercials?"

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, the next step is to find a place where I can sell them."

XXX

The next day when they visited Wiz's magic shop Kazuma was not surprised to see they were the only customers. Wiz was very happy to see them. She immediately began telling them both about the newest item she had just added to her inventory.

"It's a portable toilet!" Wiz said proudly waving at a ceramic bowl about ½ size of what you would find in a privy. "Now no matter where your travels take you, you can relieve yourself comfortably and with privacy!"

Kazuma stared at her. "And how exactly would this be any different than just going in some bushes or behind a tree?"

"You can sit down normally!"

"Wouldn't that just make it easier for people to see what you're doing?"

"Oh. Well, I suppose…"

"So, what happens to the waste? Is there a magical spell to make it vanish or disintegrate or something?"

Wiz blinked and had a blank expression on her face. "What?"

Kazuma looked disgusted. "Don't tell me it's just going to sit there at the bottom of the bowl. And your supposed to carry this along with you on an adventure? How much does it weigh?"

"About forty pounds."

Kazuma stared at her. "You seriously think people are going to lug forty-pound toilets on their backs instead of just squatting down in some bushes when they need to go?"

"…"

"You haven't sold any, have you?"

"…"

"Please tell me you can at least return these things."

"Return?" Wiz sounded mystified.

"Never mind."

"If you're not interested in a portable toilet can I show you something else? I really need to make a sale; my shop is struggling."

"Can't imagine why," Kazuma sighed. "Well, Wiz you're in luck. Because I've got a great business deal for you!" Kazuma produced a deck of his HeroMon cards. "How would you like to be a retailer for the very first product from Satou Industries LLC?"

Wiz's mouth slipped open. "What?"

Darkness was the one to explain. "Kazuma registered with the merchant's guild of Axel. He's allowed to conduct business and make binding contracts as the sole owner of the business. He insisted on giving it a weird name for some reason."

Darkness had a point. This world believed in capitalism and the free market and encouraged business. But there was no real concept of companies, legal liability, stock shares, or anything like that. Businesses could have partners and have a lot of wealth and fame, but there was always an owner or owners. The concept of a company as its own entity didn't exist in this world along with a lot of other practices that had been common back in Japan.

"You've become a merchant?" Wiz asked in surprise.

"No, I'm the CEO and owner of Satou Industries LLC. I am not a merchant, I'm a businessman."

To prove the point, he pulled out the merchant card he'd received from the merchants guild. It had his face along with basic information including the name of his business and address. It was sort of an equivalent to the adventurer's card he carried. It could not be falsified and was proof that he was a member in good standing who could conduct business within the city limits of Axel.

Wiz took the card and looked it over before handing it back. "I see, does this mean you've retired as an adventurer?"

Darkness let out a gasp and brought both hands to her mouth. "Kazuma! It doesn't does it?!"

Kazuma sighed and shook his head. "Relax. I like being an adventurer. You don't need to worry. At least not until I'm making more money through business than I can adventuring."

Darkness looked only somewhat relieved.

"Kazuma, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I can afford to buy your cards. I already have too many things I can't sell, and I have a lot of merchants and craftsmen trying to convince me to buy their goods all the time! They always make them sound like wonderful products but then after I buy them, they just sit on the shelves for some reason."

Kazuma glanced at the portable commode. "You don't say."

Wiz nodded. "So, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help you. I just can't afford to buy any more stock for my store."

Kazuma smiled at her and activated Negotiation. "What if I told you, you don't have to pay me a single eris. There's no cost and no risk to you. In fact, I will guarantee you a profit." He pointed to a shelf right in front of the register. "Let me rent this space in your store and let me put up some posters on your store front for advertising. I'll pay you 10,000 eris per month _plus _I'll let you earn a 5% commission on every pack you sell. The more HeroMon cards you sell the more you'll make, but even if you don't sell a single one, you're guaranteed 10,000 eris income."

Wiz's jaw slipped open. "Wait, you'll pay me to sell your cards in my shop?"

He nodded. "That's right."

"But that's not how shops work. The merchants or craftsmen sell their goods to the shop owner and it's on the shop owner to sell them to the regular customers."

"And how has that business model been working for you?"

Wiz hung her head.

"Wiz, you literally have nothing to lose. Here," he reached into his purse and took out a silver coin. "You can have the first month's payment right now. All you have to do is say yes and clear out a shelf for me. What do you say?"

"Well, I don't see how this is a good deal for you, but if you're sure, all right."

He put the silver coin in her palm and then emptied out a shelf before stocking it with HeroMon starter decks.

XXX

Leaving Wiz's magic shop Darkness turned to Kazuma.

"You're only charging 500 eris per pack? Isn't that rather low?"

"Parents will only spend so much for games for their kids. The starter decks need to be cheap so as many kids as possible get them. Besides, I can always charge more for the booster packs later on."

"What are booster packs?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Well Kazuma, you have your cards for sale in a shop now, but what will do if no one buys them? You've spent quite a bit of eris and haven't gotten anything back for it."

He shrugged. "You have to spend money to make money. And none of the costs have been that big. Even if I end up selling nothing it won't be a huge loss. But I'm not really worried about it. I think the game will be as popular here as in Japan."

"But no one knows anything about it. Why would parents buy these cards for their children?"

"Because their kids will want them and beg for them. An annoying ten year old is the greatest salesman in the world!"

Darkness lifted an eyebrow. "And why would ten year olds want them?"

Kazuma smiled at her.

"K… Ka… Kazuma why are you looking at me that way?"

XXX

Kazuma slapped a card down. "My blue eyes white dragon breathes lightning for seventy-five points of damage!"

"You've slain my Aqua Cult Archpriestess." Darkness turned a card with the image of a blue haired girl passed out clutching a bottle of wine face down.

A small crowd of boys let out a chorus of 'Ooohs.' The two of them were playing a game in a park. A group of nearby boys tossing a ball around had been curious and come over to watch. They were fascinated by the beautiful cards that were like nothing they'd ever seen before. The idea of fighting imaginary battles with different heroes and monsters piqued their interest even more. As they had played Kazuma and Darkness had explained the rules and how the game worked.

When Darkness lost her archpriestess that was the last card out and she lost the game. Kazuma turned to the boys who were watching. "So, any of you want to try and play?"

More than a few stepped up shouting they did.

"Well, tell you what. Why don't you try playing each other? That would be a lot fairer than playing someone like me who is so much older. And here, I'll give each of you a free deck of cards. They're yours to keep."

The boys were in disbelief. A handful of mothers who were there tried to argue that it was much too generous, but Kazuma assured them it was fine. All he cared about was helping these boys play a really fun game. Oh, and if any of their friends wanted to get decks of their own, they could be found at Wiz's Magic Shop. Together Kazuma and Darkness oversaw the matches and explained the rules to any newcomers. It wasn't long before all the boys were locked into imaginary combat with one another.

XXX

**Six Weeks Later**

Kazuma, Darkness, and Megumin were sitting at a table in the guild hall as an argument broke out a nearby table.

"Hey! You can't use Megumin more than once!"

"Who says?!"

"The card says!"

"Well house rules say explosion lolis are wild!"

"Screw you!"

A fight began. Except for Luna and the staff no one even seemed to notice. HeroMon had gotten even more popular than Kazuma had expected. Not only did kids love the game but adults were quick to pick it up too. Samuel had already gone through six print runs and Wiz was constantly telling him she needed more decks because she'd run out. The first booster pack featuring golems was sold out. A few people complained about paying 1,000 for just five cards, but they bought them anyway. Kazuma was thinking of setting up a tournament with prize money and seeing about opening shops in other cities.

He was also talking with Samuel about closing down his smithy and focusing on his printing business. Kazuma had some ideas about inventing manga and light novels.


	25. Omake

**Author's Note: **Just a little something I whipped up for the holiday! Wishing all of you a Merry Christmas!

XXX

Megumin and Darkness were both in Kazuma's home. There was a five-foot-tall pine tree with string and little glass balls hung on it. At the very top the tree was crowned with a star. Kazuma had provided drinks and lots of delicious food, and beneath the tree were two large boxes in bright wrapping paper with bows on them. The red one had a tag with Megumin written on it. While the gold one had Darkness. Both girls were enjoying the free food and chatting with Kazuma. For some odd reason he was dressed up in a red coat and trousers trimmed in white. On his head he wore a red and white cap.

"Thank you for throwing this little celebration for us, Kazuma!" Darkness said with a wide smile. "Usually the Winter Solstice celebration can be kind of dull. We mostly make small offerings to the earth and speak prayers for the land to be reborn."

"Well, in Japan we do things a little differently. I thought it would be nice if you could help me keep the traditions of where I come from. Want any more fried chicken?"

"No, thank you. I'm full, it was very delicious."

"Why are you being so nice?" Megumin said sounding suspicious. She was drinking something called egg nog that she found quite tasty. She'd have preferred ale but Kazuma had shot that down.

"What do you mean?" Kazuma looked at her sounding hurt. "You and Darkness are my teammates and my friends, right? You are the ones I am closest to in this world. Is it really so strange that I'd want to celebrate with the two of you?"

Megumin narrowed her eyes. "You've never been _this _nice before. You are definitely up to something."

Kazuma looked like a wounded puppy and put both hands to his heart. "Megumin, you wound me! Haven't I always looked out for you two?"

"You mean like that time you left me lying in the middle of a field or stole my panties?"

"I think we both know you deserved it."

"Megumin," Darkness chided. "You're being rude. We're guests in Kazuma's home and he's providing us free food and drink, the least we can do is respect his traditions and appreciate his thoughtfulness."

"That's just it," Megumin complained. "Kazuma is never this nice. He has got to be up to something."

"If you're so suspicious of me why did you even come?" Kazuma asked.

She shrugged. "Eh, I never turn down free food and drink. And you mentioned presents." She looked at the brightly wrapped gift with her name on it.

"Geez, now who's acting selfish? Listen, I'm a very long way from home with no family or old friends. Is it really so strange I'd just want to spend this day with the two people I'm closest to doing the same things I did growing up?" He wiped a tear from his eye.

"Megumin! Stop being so selfish and cruel!" Darkness said. "Kazuma has done a lot to help us over the past year! The least we can do is help him celebrate tonight by honoring his traditions!"

Megumin sighed and looked defeated. "Okay, okay, I get it already. I'll admit, Kazuma has helped me out a lot. And even if he's a massive perv he has his good points."

"Gee, thanks."

"I promise to stop complaining. I'll respect your traditions and try to make this a good night for you."

"Thanks, Megumin. I appreciate it. That said, I think it's time for presents!"

Kazuma grabbed the gifts from beneath his tree and handed each to the appropriate girl.

"Is it really all right to accept these?" Darkness asked. "I feel bad that we did not get you anything."

"It's fine. Your gift to me is just being here and sharing this night with me."

"Whatever! I love presents!" Megumin eagerly tore open the wrapping.

Darkness was a bit more restrained but she too looked excited as she opened her gift. Both girls soon found they had matching presents. These being a black one-piece swimsuit with a cotton ball glued to it, black stockings, black high heels, and a pair of bunny ears.

"What the hell kind of gift is this?!" Megumin demanded.

"It's the traditional bunny girl outfit that all young women in my country receive from their male friends. Now go put them on so we can have the traditional wrestling match. I'll referee of course."

Megumin's jaw dropped. "You don't seriously think I'll-"

Darkness grabbed her by the wrist and started dragging her towards the bedroom where they could change. Her face was beet red and she was shivering. "W… We… d… do… don't h… have a choice! N… No matter how humiliating it is we p… promised to respect his traditions."

Despite Megumin's protests Darkness dragged her into the other room and Kazuma could hear them changing. He stood there smiling ear to ear. His one and only regret was that he didn't have a camera phone.

"Best. Christmas. Ever."


	26. It has to be true

A couple more months had passed and HeroMon was becoming popular all over the kingdom. He was already getting requests from other nations. Samuel had actually closed down his smithy and become a full-time printer. He'd bought two additional printing presses and hired two assistants to help him produce cards. Incredibly, Wiz's shop was now PROFITABLE! Her shop was the exclusive retail location for HeroMon cards in Axel and about 70% of her shelf space was taken up with starter decks, booster packs, and related merchandise. Including shirts, hats, backpacks, and little models in the image of some of the cards. Merchandising was also a new concept to this world, and he was making almost as much from it as he was from the cards themselves. Wiz still sold other goods, but that part of her business was now a minor concern.

Kazuma now had a **lot **of money coming in, and demand for HeroMon was only growing. He was effectively rich and was even thinking about buying himself a mansion. He'd seriously considered retiring, running Satou Industries LLC only took a few hours out of his week. He could literally just lie around and do nothing the rest of his time. He'd gone ahead and given that a try and decided to return to his NEET nature.

But he soon discovered there was a problem with that, it was too damn boring! This world was amazing in a whole lot of ways. It had magic, monsters, adventure guilds, bunny girls, succubi, goddesses who listened to requests, good ale, and bunny girls. The problem was what a pre-industrial and pre-technological world lacked. There was no TV, internet, RPG games, on-line porn, hentai, or even manga! Just being a NEET alone in his room was too boring to stand. He LITERALLY had nothing to do. That had been relaxing for a few days… but pretty soon he was bored out of his mind. There was also the fact he was lonely. Even as a shut in who almost never went outside, he'd still at least been part of the online community. It might have been through a keyboard and screen, but he'd interacted with people and had friends.

The only people who came knocking on his door were Samuel and Wiz when they needed to talk to him about business, and Megumin and Darkness who were pleading with him to go adventuring. Eventually he 'gave in' to their pleas and agreed to go back to his work as an Adventurer. He reminded them both that they owed him, and he was only doing it because they were so damn annoying. They were of course, especially the explosion loli, but they were also his friends. Plus, despite all the aggravations, adventuring was fun! It was more exciting than any online game he'd ever tried, even YGGDRASIL. And he liked belonging to his party. Not that he would **ever** admit to that. So, despite having plenty of money Kazuma decided to continue adventuring.

That was how he found himself in front of the job board trying to decide what they should do next. Ever since taking out the Sand Wyrm he and his teammates had focused on tasks that were challenging, but not insanely dangerous. Jobs that included fighting a dragon or attacking one of the lairs of the Devil King or one of his generals was a big no go (much to Darkness' disappointment.) The easier tasks involving giant toads and goblins were left for weaker parties to deal with. Unfortunately, they'd cleared most of the jobs that fell into that sweet spot. So Kazuma was stuck trying to find something that would give him a decent reward without being a suicide mission.

He noticed a posting that had been on the board for a while. It had a drawing that looked kind of like a spider mecha. The heading on it was, 'Mobile Fortress Destroyer.' He'd glanced at it a few times before, it looked to be some kind of scouting mission. As soon as he'd seen what a low reward it paid, he'd moved on. Now there didn't seem to be anything better and was looking more closely at the job. It might be-

"Kazuma! Kazuma!"

He looked back over his shoulder to see an excited Darkness hurrying up to him, a grinning Megumin at her heel.

"Yes, I'm Kazuma. What's up?"

"We've just found out about a wonderful opportunity that would be perfect for us!" Darkness told him immediately.

"If it involves a dragon, I'm slapping you again."

She gasped and her face immediately reddened. "S… So cruel."

"It doesn't involve a dragon," Megumin said excitedly. "But it's a chance to make a huge score in gold and in xp!"

"I'm listening."

She had a broad smile and was bouncing on her toes. "Someone's discovered a brand-new dungeon and we can have first crack at it!"

The second he heard the word 'dungeon' his heart thudded, and he felt a chill slither down his chest.

"No," he answered immediately.

Both girls looked surprised. Then started to argue with him.

XXX

The three of them sat down at a table to talk. Kazuma and Darkness were drinking ale while Megumin was stuck with some freshly squeezed avocado juice.

"Are you an idiot?" Megumin demanded.

Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "I don't want to hear _you _calling me an idiot."

"This is an amazing chance for us! This is a brand-new dungeon that's just been discovered! And they're just handing us the chance to be the first ones to explore it! How can you say no to that?"

"It's easy. No. See? I'll even do it again for you. No. No. No. Not hard at all."

Megumin crossed her arms and began to simmer like a tea pot. "Do you realize how rare it is to get to explore a brand-new dungeon?"

"It's not as rare as you might think," Kazuma said in a low voice.

Megumin pressed on. "Hey, I know you had a bad experience, but that was months ago. Get over it! Don't be such a pu-" She suddenly cut off when Kazuma glared at her.

"I **dare** you to finish that sentence."

Megumin gulped and pursed her lips tight.

Darkness coughed into her hand and drew the attention of her two teammates. "Megumin, you need to be more considerate of Kazuma's feelings. He suffered something truly horrible, please don't make light of it."

Megumin turned the other way and gave an uncomfortable nod. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Sorry, Kazuma."

Kazuma sighed and softened his expression. "It's okay."

"Kazuma," Darkness continued. "I know what happened to you the last time you were in a dungeon. If you refuse to accept this mission Megumin and I will respect your decision." Megumin did not look happy but nodded. "However, please at least consider it, it really is an incredible opportunity for us as a party."

_Damn it_, he thought. _Why does she have to sound so reasonable when she forgets to act like a raging masochist? _Ever since his experience Kazuma hadn't visited a dungeon again. He'd never even visited Keele's Dungeon, which had long since been emptied out and was seen as safe even for newbies. It wasn't because he felt trauma or was scared! No way! It was just… dungeons were dangerous, and very bad things could happen in them. So, it only made sense to be cautious.

The problem was that he could see that Megumin and Darkness had a point. He'd just been looking at the board thinking how there weren't any good missions for them. Everything right now looked to either be too dangerous or too easy with too little reward. They both looked excited, so didn't he owe them at least listening to what they had to say?

"Fine, so what's so great about this dungeon?"

Megumin jumped in before Darkness could get a word out. "It's a brand-new discovery! It hasn't been touched yet! So that means it's going to be chock full of treasure!"

"That also means it's chock full of monsters and traps too."

She tossed her head back and laughed. "So? Why would that scare us?" She made a dramatic pose, planting her staff and making her cape swirl. "We're the strongest party in this city! There's no enemy we can't defeat! And if worse comes to worse I'll save us with the greatest power of all! Explosion!"

"Which will collapse the dungeon and kill us all."

"…" Megumin remained locked in her dramatic pose as her mouth opened and closed silently.

Darkness rode to the rescue. "I'm sure Megumin won't need to use explosion, her other spells will be plenty."

"He, he, yeah I was just joking."

"Sure, you were," Kazuma said in a flat voice.

"Kazuma," Darkness continued. "We are the strongest party still based in Axel. Our levels are all in the 40's. All the higher ranked parties operate out of other cities. It only makes sense for us to be the first ones to explore this new dungeon. Plus, you are the only one who is qualified to act as a scout."

"That's not true, what about Pip the halfling? He's a pretty good thief who's in the mid 20's."

"He and his party are in Wallachia right now. They won't be back for weeks at least."

"Well about Garret nine fingers?"

Darkness grimaced. "He made a mistake with an exploding chest. People are calling him Garret one hand now. He's probably going to have to retire from being a thief."

"Oh. Right. I forgot about that. What about Lupin? He's really good at stealing."

"He's gone into hiding. Some inspector is after him."

Kazuma frowned, those were all the experienced thieves who operated out of Axel. He didn't bother to ask about Chris as he knew for a fact she hadn't been in town for awhile now. All the other rogues were too low level to handle an assignment like this.

"It's because you're the only one qualified to lead a mission like this that Luna came to us," Darkness said. "Depending on what we find the guild will decide what rating to give the dungeon."

Technically, guilds couldn't prevent anyone from going into a dungeon once it was discovered. It wasn't like accepting a quest, if you knew where a dungeon's entrance was you could visit it any time you liked, technically. In practice, the guild would give a dungeon a rating from E to S and a recommendation for the minimum levels a party should have before encountering it. For example, Keele's dungeon was rated E-4. It was considered appropriate for a party with a total of just 4 levels. Kasmir's Sorrow got a rating of A-90. Some parties would ignore the ratings, especially if the dungeon was a rich one. But most parties paid attention to them and at least tried to stick to places that seemed appropriate to their strength. The reports from the first few parties to explore were always the basis of the original rating. It might go up or down over time, but that first rating would set the baseline. That meant if he and his party went not only could they potentially make out like bandits, they could safeguard other future parties who would be too weak to face its dangers.

Seeing Kazuma pause Darkness continued. "Who knows what sort of wicked and cruel monsters we might find? It's our duty as an adventuring party to face these foul beasts and endure whatever cruel and terrible tortures they may want to inflict on us! No matter how degrading or painful or humiliating it may be we will endure it!" As she spoke her face got redder and breathing noticeably heavier.

"Okay, you know that argument for _not _going, right?"

"Oh, come on!" Megumin pleaded. "Think about the treasure and xp! There's a whole fortune just waiting there for us! And the best part? If we can clear the whole dungeon, we'll get the ULTIMATE TREASURE!"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Well, the word is this dungeon holds an amazing and unbelievable treasure in its final floor! A treasure so amazing that only the best of the nest could possibly acquire it!"

"Well that lets us out," Kazuma said

Megumin didn't appear to hear him and continued. "The dungeon is even called the Ultimate Treasure Dungeon!"

"Wait a second," Kazuma held a hand up. "I thought this dungeon was just recently discovered."

"That's right."

"Then how would anyone know what kind of treasure it has?"

Megumin opened her mouth to answer, then closed it. She looked over at Darkness.

"Apparently the person who discovered it reported it."

"And how would he know?"

Darkness shrugged.

"The important thing," Megumin said. "Is that whoever it is said there was an amazing one of a kind treasure and so he named the dungeon The Ultimate Treasure Dungeon! So, it has to be true!"

Kazuma blinked. "This dungeon has to have an amazing treasure because then guy who reported it said so?"

"Exactly!"

Kazuma could feel a headache coming on.

XXX

In the end, despite some serious doubts, he agreed to explore this new dungeon with his teammates.


	27. Always welcome back

The dungeon was located three days from Axel. Luna had provided them a map to show them where to find it. Kazuma had asked her about it and about this new dungeon. Apparently, an ordinary looking man had just shown up the previous day with the news. Luna hadn't recognized him, and he hadn't been dressed like an adventurer. He'd simply shown up, given out the information, and then left.

Kazuma found all this a bit suspicious. I mean it was very possible for a random farmer or shepherd to stumble across the entrance of a new dungeon. But wouldn't the person at least make some kind of effort to claim it? At the very least wouldn't they want to tell people about discovering it? Just showing up at an adventurer's guild and then quietly leaving seemed awfully unnatural. He'd pointed this out to his party members and was promptly assured it was no big deal. Megumin was focused on getting lots of gold and xp. Darkness was imagining all the strong and terrifying monsters that were waiting for them. Despite a tone of misgivings Kazuma set out with his party.

The trip out was uneventful and downright pleasant. There were no random encounters with monsters. On both evenings Megumin blew up and empty field right after dinner. They used monster repeller to make sure they could sleep peacefully. The sun was out, and the weather was beautiful. It was actually nice to be out of Axel for awhile and to be walking with friends in the summer sunshine.

They arrived early in the afternoon of the third day. The dungeon entrance was a simple cave in the side of a small, nondescript hillside. Everything up to that point had gone about as well as could be hoped for. The problems started as soon as they entered the dungeon entrance…

"We should leave," Kazuma said.

Both Darkness and Megumin looked shocked. "Are you kidding me?" Megumin demanded. "We just got here, and you want us to turn around and go home?!"

"Yep."

"Kazuma," Darkness said sounding confused. "Why would you want to do that?"

"You need to ask?" He stared at the two of them as a vein began to throb in his forehead.

"That's right," Megumin challenged. "Why would we just turn around and go after we just got here?"

"Oh, I don't know, because of _that_ maybe?" Kazuma pointed to the top of an archway that had been carved into the cave entrance. The word 'WELCOME' had been neatly chiseled.

The two girls looked at each other in confusion.

"I don't see the issue Kazuma," Darkness said. "Obviously, the builders of this dungeon were courteous. Why would you want to leave because of that?"

Megumin nodded vigorously. "Yeah! It's a good omen. I don't see the problem."

Kazuma slapped a hand to his face and let out a muffled scream. With the exception of Chris, common sense was obviously a rare and treasured commodity in this world.

"Who in their right mind would actually write 'welcome' at the start of a dungeon? Seriously, they might as well write, 'please come and rob this place of all my treasure.' And if that weren't enough of a red flag…"

Kazuma stared down the corridor. The floor was perfectly flat and tiled. It looked clean enough to eat off. The walls and ceiling were also straight and in perfect condition. Using Farsight he could see clearly down the corridor for about 200 yards before a juncture. There was no damage or debris, no bones or remains, and not even any dust or puddles of water. This corridor could easily pass as part of a castle or palace.

"This place looks like it was just recently constructed. That is way, way too suspicious."

"Dummy!" Megumin chided. "This is a brand-new dungeon, of course it's going to be in great condition! It would be weird if it wasn't."

Kazuma sent her a harsh glare that quieted her down and made her hide behind Darkness.

"It's only 'new' in the sense its just been discovered. But it should have been built and sealed away hundreds or even thousands of years ago. Why are there no cracks in the floor or walls? Why is there no water leaking anywhere? Why is there no dirt? No moss or bits of grass? Why are there no bones or pieces from dead monsters or animals? Why does this place look like it was just finished yesterday?"

Megumin looked confused. "I don't know, good maintenance?"

Kazuma slapped a palm to his face again.

"Kazuma," Darkness said. "Shouldn't we be glad the dungeon looks so well preserved? Doesn't that just mean all the treasures are still waiting here for us?" Her cheeks darkened and her lips twitched. "A… Along with all the te… terrifying monsters."

"That's right!" Megumin joined in. "Afterall, this is the Ultimate Treasure Dungeon! Why should it be rundown like any old regular dungeon?"

Darkness nodded.

"Why do I even bother?" he muttered.

"Come on!" Megumin pleaded. "We're here. Are we really just going to leave after walking all this way? Do you really want to go back to the guild and tell them we chickened out because the dungeon was too nice?"

While he didn't want to admit it, she did have a point. If there was one thing all adventurers admired it was courage. Failing a quest was okay, it happened sometimes. But just wimping out without even trying? That would make him a laughingstock.

"Kazuma," Darkness said. "Let's at least explore the first level. If it's too dangerous we'll leave, but as an adventuring party shouldn't we do at least that much? That way we can still give a report back to the guild and a recommendation for a rating."

Kazuma sighed. "Fine, I guess we can do that. But both of you be seriously careful, okay? And when I say we're done, we are done, got it?"

Both girls nodded enthusiastically.

"Right!"

"Understood."

"I already know I'm going to regret this," Kazuma muttered beneath his breath.

As the scout he would take the lead, followed by Darkness and with Megumin bringing up the rear. Before entering he activated his Detect Traps skill. What he saw made him grimace and do a quick count.

"Okay, there are fifteen traps between here and where the corridor ends. I can't tell what they do, but we don't want to find out. They're all on the floor, so both of you watch where I step and don't walk on any other tiles, okay?"

"Yes."

"Got it!"

Kazuma began to slowly go down the corridor, pointing out each trap as they passed it. He wasn't sensing anything from his Detect Enemy ability. Yet. He was still on edge though; this was his first time in a dungeon since that day. Despite no immediate threat he was still nervous. His hands had a slight shake to them, and his mouth was dry. He was already regretting agreeing to this. If it weren't for his-

Click.

When he heard that his head whipped around. He could see Megumin's foot pressing down on a tile that was sinking into the floor. Darkness was also staring back at her, while the idiot had a look of embarrassment on her face.

"Oops."

Kazuma opened his mouth to scream at her, but before he could the entire floor opened up and he and his party were falling.

XXX

"Uggh," Kazuma came to and rubbed the back of his head as he got to his feet. "I swear I'm going to strip that crazy loli in front of the entire guild hall."

When he looked about, he saw he was alone. He was in a large room that was about twenty feet square. Above him was the opening of a drop chute. There was a single wooden door that was shut, the room was otherwise empty.

"What a great way to start a dungeon crawl." Using Detect Traps he confirmed the room he was in was safe. It also looked like there were no hidden doors or secret passages. When he then tried Detect Enemy he drew in a sharp breath. There were six enemies within fifty yards! This was bad, he had no idea where Darkness and Megumin were and if he couldn't see the enemy directly, he couldn't use Identify to know what they were and how string. Six goblins or skeletons wouldn't be a problem. If he were facing six trolls that would be a whole different matter.

_I need to relax_, Kazuma thought. _I'm a bad ass level forty-five Adventurer. I can totally handle this! I just need to deal with these monsters and find my friends. No problem._

The first step was getting out of the room. He went over to the door and confirmed it was locked. He also noted it was solid oak and looked suspiciously new for a lost dungeon. It wasn't a problem; he took out some of his lock picks and set to work. He was about to unlock the door when he sensed one of the enemies approaching the room.

"Figures," he muttered. "Vanish."

He disappeared from sight and took out Excalibur. He went into one of the corners of the room and waited as the enemy approached. The door opened with a bang. Into the room strode an eight-foot-tall minotaur with a double-bladed battle axe. Kazuma knew it was impossible, but it looked _exactly _like the one he'd run into before.

The second he laid eyes on it he felt his heart stop. He had to cover his mouth to keep from crying. All the horrible memories of that day came rushing back. He remembered with sickening detail what it was like to stand there invisible as just a few feet away a monster ripped apart the bodies of his friends and ate them. His knees nocked together, and his entire body began to tremble. Around his crotch and down the side of both legs he felt something warm and wet.

The minotaur looked about the room in confusion. Then it began to sniff the air. It took a couple steps into the room and turned in his direction.

_Don't move! Don't move! Don't move! _Was all he could think. He was praying to Eris that the minotaur wouldn't spot him and go away. He wanted to run as fast and as quietly as he could. If he just stayed where he was, he could get out of this.

And then he thought about Darkness and Megumin. If there were six minotaurs here what would happen to them?

Kazuma shut his eyes and gripped his sword with both hands. He whispered another prayer to Eris.

"YYAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Kazuma rushed at the monster and drove the swords into its chest with all the strength he had. It had been creeping closer to him but was still taken by surprise. Excalibur's point caught the beast right above the heart and sank in with ease. Having witnessed just how tough a minotaur's hide was Kazuma was astonished, but very pleased. He slammed his sword in so hard it tore out the back. Kazuma wrenched it out and got ready to attack again.

But to his amazement, he didn't need to. The minotaur dropped his axe and collapsed in a heap at Kazuma's feet. If that weren't enough of a surprise the minotaur's form began to shrink and twist. The horns melted away along with much of the bulk. The giant battle axe became a plain iron short sword. After a moment the dead monster no longer looked anything like a minotaur. It instead had pasty white skin and long gangly arms and legs.

Kazuma had no idea what it was. It actually took a minute for him to remember he had Identify as a skill. Using it he learned:

Race - Doppelganger (Minor Demon)

LVL – 5

HP – 47

STR – 18

CON – 11

DEX – 22

INT – 35

WIS – 14

CHM – 7

LCK – 17

EXP – 312 / 410

"What the hell?" Now that the danger was over his heart was slowing down and he stopped shaking. He'd never even heard of a doppelganger before. He supposed it was just a minor monster that existed in this dungeon. Luckily, it was pretty weak.

Standing there he suddenly heard a very faint laughter. He jumped about scanning the room, but there was no one there. The laughter faded away, but he was sure he'd heard it.

"Okay, I don't have time to freak out. I need to find those two." The other five enemies were nearby. The door to the corridor was now wide open. He recast Vanish and was about to get going when he suddenly heard a woman's voice crying out.

"No! Stop it!"

"Darkness!" He ran into the corridor determined to save her.

XXX

A pair of strong hands grabbed her by the wrists and hauled her up.

"Wha… What?" She was a bit dazed. As she came to, she saw she was in the grasp of a fearsome ogre.

"A… An o… o…. ogre?"

To her surprise she felt another pair of hands beginning to pull off her armor. She turned her head to see a second ogre!

"Y… You fiends! W… What do you intend to do t… to me? I… I am helpless and at y… your mercy!"

Neither ogre spoke as one held her wrists tight while the second stripped her of her armor and then tore off the black body suit and other clothing underneath.

Darkness made no real effort to resist.

As soon as she was completely naked, she was hauled off to a pair of iron manacles that were attached to the wall by a chain. The ogre chained her up naked. Looking over her surroundings Darkness saw he was in a large room with a single door leading out of it and a square opening in the ceiling. Thoughts of escape were not what she was focused on.

"I see! You foul creatures are going to torture me, aren't you?! You should know I am a cr… crusader! It is my duty to resist no matter how brutal you may be! D… Do your wo… worst! No matter how sa… savage and cr… cruel you are I'll endure it!"

Her heart was beating a mile a minute and she had a huge grin on her face.

The two ogres looked at each other. Then without a sound they turned and left, leaving the door to the room open.

"I see! You're going to get some t… tools to use on me, aren't you? W… What will you choose? "Nails? Hot irons? A vice? A w… w… whip? It's a whip isn't it? If you used a whip on me I would h… hate that. Es… Especially if you to… took turns!" The thought caused her to squeeze her thighs tight and let out a moan. "N… No, two ogres wh… whipping me, I… I… w… will endure it. No matter how long you keep at it! I de… definitely w… won't break!"

She soon heard footsteps approaching the door.

"W… Whatever y… you intend to do to me I will b… bear it! No… Nothing you do will break my spirit!"

As she said that her father walked in.

"Lalatina! What are you doing?!"

Darkness' eyes bulged and her jaw fell open. "Father?! No! Don't look at me!" She desperately tried to cover up, but her arms were still chained. "What are you doing here?!"

"What do you mean? This is where we're holding the family reunion! The entire Dustiness clan has gathered here!"

"What?!" Darkness had no idea what he was talking about. It made no sense! "Why would you have a family reunion in a dungeon?"

"What do you mean? It's a spacious facility that just opened. All the noble families are using it, they have a dining hall, a gymnasium, and even a hot springs. It's lovely! Didn't you get the invitation? I sent it to you just last week."

She stared at him in complete confusion.

"Uncle? Are you here? Mother is starting a game of charades." Her cousin Cassandra strolled in with fan in hand. When she spotted her cousin, she let out a laugh. "Oh! Lalatina! I guess those rumors are all true."

"Rumors?!" Darkness asked in a panic. "What rumors? And father get me free!"

Cassandra giggled and flapped her fan. "Oh Lalatina, **everyone **knows you're a sexual deviant. I mean not just the family but the servants the clergy even random travelers know you are a massive pervert. The only reason we bothered to pretend we didn't all know was because of uncle. But now even he has to admit to what you are."

"It's true," her father hung his head in shame. "My little girl is a freak."

"No! Father! I'm a good girl, I swear it!"

"Weren't you begging to be whipped just a little while ago?"

"…"

"Uncle, why don't we have the charades here. There is plenty of room. And afterwards we can all make fun of Lalatina and her deviant behavior."

"Why not? It's not as if there is any point in hiding the truth now."

Darkness put her head back and wailed. "No! Stop it!"

"Why?" Cassandra asked as he flapped her fan in front of her face. "Isn't it easier to just-"

Without warning her head went flying. Kazuma suddenly appeared standing behind her with a bloody sword in hand. With no hesitation he cut her father down.

"NO! FATHER!" Darkness ran to her father's side, ripping the chins clean out of the wall. "Kazuma! How could you kill my father?!"

"Relax, Darkness. Just look."

Before her eyes both her father and her cousin's bodies began to change.

"W… What?"

"They're doppelgangers. Apparently, they're monsters who can shapeshift."

"Oh, thank Eris, then my secret is still safe," Darkness let out a relieved sigh.

Kazuma meanwhile was just standing there staring at her. It took her a moment to remember she was naked. She covered up and shouted. "Kazuma!"

"What? This isn't the first time, and believe me, you've got nothing to be ashamed of."

"G… Get out and let me get dressed!"

"Fine but hurry up we still need to save Megumin."

As Darkness pushed him out the door and slammed it shut Kazuma once again heard laughter. He looked up and down the hall but saw nothing as the laughter faded away.

XXX

When Darkness came out her face was red, but she was otherwise fine. She rubbed at her nose and gawked. "Kazuma, did you urinate in your pants?"

He gave her a dangerous look. "If you tell anyone about this, I'll tell them about your mole."

"Understood!"

"Now come on, we need to find Megumin!"

While he didn't know where exactly Megumin was. Kazuma could track down the three other monsters in the area. He led Darkness to a locked door a little ways down the corridor. He motioned for her to be quiet and he got out his lock picks and soon had the door unlocked. Instead of rushing in, he pushed it open a few inches to peer inside. There were three other girls dressed similarly to Megumin, with capes and pointy hats. All of them had red eyes and one had some really great boobs.

He noticed Megumin was on the verge of tears. "That's not true, no way is that true!"

"It is true," the big boobed girl said. "Everyone in the village is using explosion, it's a mandatory course in the Red Prison now."

"And YunYun's the best at it," a different girl spoke up. "Her explosions are five times as big as yours."

"More like ten times," the third girl said.

"Explosion is so easy anyone can do it," big boobed girl said. "Yours is nothing special."

"Oh yeah?!" Megumin shouted and raised her staff. "How about I prove how amazing my explosions magic really is?"

"Sure thing, I could use a good laugh."

"Oh, hell no!" Kazuma threw the door open and rushed in with Darkness right on his heel. The three imposters were quickly dealt with and Megumin was prevented from killing them all. When all the fighting was done Kazuma once more heard laughter. He asked Darkness and Megumin if they heard it too, but they both denied it. The sound was soon gone but Megumin noticed something else.

"Did you piss your pants?" Megumin pointed at his wet trousers and was bent over laughing. "That's so sad!"

He sent her a death glare and his lips curled up. "You've got a point; I should dry them off." He held his hand out. "Steal!"

His hand glowed and he made a fist. When he opened it, he was holding a pair of black silk panties. "This should do."

"NO!" Megumin cried. "They'll be ruined forever!"

"Heh, heh, heh."

"S… So, c… cruel."

XXX

Despite not acquiring any treasure and complaints from the two girls, Kazuma had decided the dungeon crawl was over. They found the way back to the entrance and departed. As they left Kazuma heard more laughter and hurried their pace.

From out of the shadows a figure in a suit with a black and white mask twirled about joyously. "Superb! What delicious emotions! This dungeon was truly a brilliant idea! I hope to see you again Satou Kazuma! You are always welcome back!"

XXX

Three days later they were almost back to Axel. Whenever the wind blew, even if it was a light breeze, Megumin would slap both hands down on the hem of her skirt. She would also glare at Kazuma, who had no problem ignoring it.

"So just remember, when we get back to the guild we're rating it as S – 200 and telling them that we ran into minotaurs, trolls, and ogres."

Darkness did not look pleased. "Is it really all right to pass along false information to the guild?"

Kazuma grinned at her. "You want me to tell the truth about what happened? The _entire _truth?"

Her face reddened and she looked away. "Ah, never mind."

"That's what I thought." As he walked, he stretched his arms out and relaxed. "Man, it'll be good to be home again. I just want to relax and do nothing for a while."

That was when they heard an explosion in the distance and felt the ground shake. Somewhere over Axel smoke was rising into the air.


End file.
